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An elderly couple go to the doctors office. While they are waiting for the doctor a nurse tells the husband that she will need a urine sample, stool sample, and semen sample. The husband says, "WHAAT?" The wife replies, "Dear, they need your underwear."
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YAY other people posting jokes for ME to read :)
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner". She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says "A hundred dollars". He says "All I got is thirty". She says "Hold on" and runs back to Harry and asks "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job" Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops a huge dick... like HUGE. She stares at it for a minute, and then says "I'll be right back". She runs back to Harry, and asks "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
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One day a blonde walks into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what happened. She says "Well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other". "The bastard called again!"
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There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
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I went to the supermarket today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 12 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
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At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is" the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed". "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here".
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"
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This is hands down one of the best threads I've ever encountered on any forum...
A few years ago I accidentally swallowed my watch..... I had to wait to pass the time.
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One afternoon while at his weekly doctor visit a man tells his doctor "Doc, my wife has been complaining about my bad breath alot and I don't know what to do. I brush my teeth, floss and use mouth wash and I cannot seem to make it go away according to her. So the mans doctor say "Okay lets take some blood and urine samples and check so other signs that may indicate to me what is going on and when you return next week I will let you know"... So after many test the man returns the following week and bust into his doctors office "Doc what did you find he shouts!". The doctor says "well I figured it out and we can fix it all you have to do is quit scratching your ass or quit biting your finger nails!"
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
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It was 1940 in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you put your ear to it, you will know what I mean. All it does is Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic all of the time Tic-Tic-Tic. It doesn't Toc".
"Okay, leave it viz me, I'll sort it out. Come back on Thursday when it will be ready for you".
The customer returned to the clock repair shop on the Thursday; went inside where he saw the SS Officer, and the mantel clock on the counter which had been repaired and was awaiting collection.
The customer said to the SS Officer "Oh, so you got it working then, how much do I owe you?" "Ten Deutsche Marks" said the SS Officer. The customer paid him, picked up the clock and started to walk out when he stopped and turned to the SS Officer and said "Out of curiosity, just how did you manage to get it going properly again?" To which the SS Officer replied "Vee had ways of making it TOC!"
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An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand" she started off with one of the first applicants "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question". She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case". "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted "He sued me for the money".
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A guy gets pulled over by police "Step out of the car" says the cop "I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test". "I can't" the guy says "I have very bad asthma - that could set off an attack". "Alright" says the cop "then you're going to have to take a blood test". "Can't do that either" Jim replies "I am a haemophiliac - if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death". "Okay" the cop answers "then I will need a urine sample". "Sorry" says Jim "I also have diabetes - that could push my sugar count really low". "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me". "Can't do that either" responds Jim. "Why not?" asked the cop. "Well, because I'm drunk you dick - I could go to jail!"
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Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy".
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Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking". The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight". "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics" says the drunk. "We're on the patch".
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I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her. She replied "Mummy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".
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Recently, the Townsville Police Department ran an email forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"
Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: "First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people.
Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty, or what you might refer to as "patrol" where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.
At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.
So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.
What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a cat on the scent of a mouse. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the laws, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Townsville citizens who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the good citizens of Townsville".
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded 'yes'.
"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?"
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or ****head" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
"GOOD" said the coach... "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"
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Prostitution is the only job where you get paid more if you have no prior experience
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A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. "That's the way to do it" he says. "Big deal" replies the blonde. "You'd never have got it unless I'd tired it out first".
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Three chums, who had been friends since high school, were drinking heavily at their reunion. They started telling exciting job related war stories. As the drinks flowed the embellishment became vast.
George, who had graduated from the police academy, told of the gang holdup of the First City National Bank. He, alone, cornered and held the gang in their hideaway until reinforcements arrived and the entire gang was arrested without injury. For his service he was awarded the Meritorious City Citation.
Fred, who had trained as a fireman, became the City Fire Marshall. In one major blaze, when a 30 unit apartment was subject of a 5 alarm fire call, Fred single-handedly raced into the burning structure and rescued a woman and her three small children, carrying the baby to safety within his fire coat.
Elmerot, after high school graduation, became a mortician. He enjoyed working with people, the pay was good, and the job was quiet. Elmerot had only one event that he thought worthy of discussion. He was working the evening shift when the First City Hotel phoned and said that a patron had died and that the mortuary should recover the body. Elmerot took the panel body recovery truck and drove to the hotel. There was no parking space available and the only loading zone was occupied. Elmerod double parked the truck and took a collapsible gurney into the hotel where he was directed to the third floor and was instructed to recover the body without disturbing the hotel guests.
Elmerot said "When I entered the room I saw this huge man, lying in bed, on his back with an enormous erection. The sheet was tented like a pale pyramid. I didn't know what to do. In that condition he wouldn't fit into a body bag and I couldn't just put him on the gurney and wheel him into the elevator and out through the lobby".
"So" Elmerot continued. "I broke a leg off of a straight back chair and thrashed, smashed and beat the day lights out of that erection. It immediately became flaccid"
George interrupted "That's interesting, but not exciting". "Oh yes it was". Continued Elmerot "I was in the wrong room".
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Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit". So the three guys scampered into the woods.
Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten". The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and eaten.
Dick came back with 10 berries and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began...
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples and that was that".
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So my shrink asked me to talk to my exes to get a better idea of who I was.
Three months later I tracked them all down: Three of them had changed their identities, four had committed suicide, one had disappeared into the jungle of Borneo, two retired to a convent and the last one now goes by the name of George.
I guess I have a thing for unstable women
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new f*cking boat" I thought to myself.
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Why does Oedipus refuse to swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
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Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"
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Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I finally went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge, I asked?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?," he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
FORGET THE SHRINKS - HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!!
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
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Haha, love that bartender one :D
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Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.
The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.
The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.
The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.
The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"
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The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".