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FUNNY AND CLEVER CLASSIFIED ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER - 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES - 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog
FREE PUPPIES - Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED - Also 1 gay bull for sale
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! - Must sell washer and dryer £100
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE - Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie
FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer
CLOTHES WASHER $100 - Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE - Only used on snowy days
FREE PUPPIES - Part German shepherd - part dog
TWO WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES - 1 x 5-finger, 1 x 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX - Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
GERMAN SHEPHERD - Female. 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell
FREE CAN OF PORK & BEANS - With purchase of 3 br 2 bath home
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used. Call Chubbie
FREE: FARM KITTENS - Ready to eat
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - Pole included $100
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE - Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT - Queen size mattress & box springs -$175
3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL - Experience preferred.
FOR SALE - Three canaries of undermined sex.
GREAT DAMES FOR SALE - Free to good home.
WANTED: HAIR CUTTER - Excellent growth potential.
LOST: SMALL APRICOT POODLE - Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
FOUR-POSTER BED - 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
DOG FOR SALE - Eats anything and is fond of children.
WANTED - Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
WANTED - Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
FOR SALE - Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
PS - thx 4 the war 2:3
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I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Thx for the war 3:3
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Laxettes and instructed him to take the entire box all at once.
The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Laxettes and told him to take it all at once".
"Laxettes won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough".
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A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a **** plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a **** sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".
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A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"
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Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here". Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great" his friend responded. "There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free". "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know" the dim fellow replied "but my wife goes there all the time".
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A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
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A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned". "What is your sin my child?" The priest asked kindly.
"I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week". "You are forgiven" The priest told the man. "Go out and say three Hail Marys".
The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week". This time the priest had to ask. "Who is this Fanny Green person?" "She's new to the parish" was the reply.
The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: "Is that Fanny Green?" "No sir" the altar-boy replied. "I think it's the reflection from her shoes!"
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".
Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
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I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".
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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!"
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mum' and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry" she said "I'll take care of it". A few minutes later, the cell phone beeped. It was a text message from 'Mum'. "Martin" it read "you left your cell phone at the convenience store".
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks "Is that you, little Franky Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is". "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation".
"Well, Franky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say". "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell". "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her". "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed". "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you".
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped and I admire that". "But you've sinned and have to atone". "You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months". "Now you go and behave yourself".
Franky walks back to his pew, and his friend Joey slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "Four months' vacation and five good leads!"
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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HAIR: THE FEMALE VERSION
WOMAN #1: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!
WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
HAIR: THE MALE VERSION
MAN #1: Haircut?
MAN #2: Yeah.
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I phoned my workplace in Scotland this morning and said "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough". He said "You have a wee cough?" I said "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"
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THIS is one of my all time favourites...enjoy...
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
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A man was dating three women and wanted to decide who to marry. He decided to give them a test. He gave each woman $10,000 and observed what each did with the money.
The first one went for a total make-over which included a fancy hair style, make up and several new outfits. She then dressed up for the man and said "I have done this to make myself more attractive to you because I love you so much". The man was impressed.
The second woman went gift shopping for the man. She bought him a new smartphone, a Rolex and some very flashy clothes. As she presented these gifts to him she said "I've spent all the money on you because I love you so much". The man was again impressed.
The third one invested the money in the stock market. She earned $40,000 and gave him back his $10k. She then deposited the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to secure their future because she loved him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a very long time about how each woman had used the money. He weighed the pros and cons and considered his future with each of them. Finally, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
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This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."
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Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Susie called after him "So, what was wrong?" And he replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error". A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied "No". "Write it down" he said "and I think you'll figure it out"... I D 1 0 T.
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I asked the Missus "Why do you bother wearing a bra? You've got nothing really to put in it!" She gave me a cool look and said "You wear underpants, don't you?"
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The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the arsehole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied "And you must be what's passing through".
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mum" he exclaimed "for me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
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A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
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A MAN'S AGE AS DETERMINED BY A TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realise you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following...
IN YOUR 20'S
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
IN YOUR 30'S
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
IN YOUR 40'S
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the ha5rdware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleav [although it doesn't stop you].
IN YOUR 50'S
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms".
IN YOUR 60'S
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
IN YOUR 70'S
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
IN YOUR 80'S
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
IN YOUR 90'S & BEYOND
What's a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
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Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
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There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
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Day 19 of the quarantine. My wife called out from the living room and said "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?" I said "no". She replied "How about now?"
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While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
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A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
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I was offered sex from a beautiful 21-year-old chick today. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook wall. Of course, I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is just as strong as AJAX. The super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon scent and vanilla.
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A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered". When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed "Not this time".