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An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote "No". The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught".
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AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS
The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.
A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
How else do you get a stain on your shirt?
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick.
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".
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A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came".
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A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it" she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation". "Calm down, honey" the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again". What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night".
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Well done Krozair, Hope you are doing well!
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Some Xmas one liners :) Merry Christmas all
How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!
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Husband calls his wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Susan brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot". Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Susan?" And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning and will fly to a secluded bay down south where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we'll do some island hopping before flying back home. Promises to be an amazing experience. If interested please let me know. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster" he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house. He managed to escape by hopping over the fence. I'm proud of the wife though - she must have put up some fight cos she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk!
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The missus said "Looking at the state of that garden is hurting my eyes. Will you do something about it?" "As you wish, babe" I replied, then got up, closed the curtains and sat back down again.
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Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him. The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of ****** or something?" Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window, part of my body start turning to stone, so I ran away!"
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A bloke from the bush walked into an antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied "It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story".
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said" I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the river and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions! And they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"**** no!" said the bloke "I came back to see if you've got a bronze politician!?"
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A man phones home from the office and tells his wife "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great!
But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas".
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.
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There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and swerves into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting, leave without me. Dave". At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street you idiot, you drove!"
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A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know" replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is". "OK" the guy said "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry" said the guy "I didn't realise you made a living out of it".
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A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes. The desk clerk says "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?" With this the man replies "I'll take the teacher". When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?" The man replies "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right".
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A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter". The doctor looks at him and says "Sorry, I don't follow you".
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My girlfriend just text me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegiveme analternative". Anybody know what "ternative" means?
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WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."
MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum".
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Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing on the bay. While one of them got the boat ready, the other went to his friend's house to pick up the bait that had been left on the veranda. While he was there, he saw a man in bed with his friend's wife. Back at the boat he announced that he had some bad news, and said what he had seen. His friend took it calmly "Gee you had me worried then. I was afraid you were going to say you'd lost the bait"
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I tried to make a corona virus joke a while back. Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.
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A young girl went with her dad to 'bring your kids to work day'. After excitedly walking around meeting her dad's colleagues, she suddenly burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked her dad. "Where's all the clowns you told me you worked with?" she cried.
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at gun point told the man to hand over the jewellery and money now! The man started sobbing and said "Brother, you can take anything you want, but please untie the rope and free her". The thief says "You must really love your wife!" The man replied "No, she is my neighbour's wife, mine will be home any second!"
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A woman walks into a bar, and guy asks "Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure" said the woman. After a few moments of conversing, she finally asked "So what's your occupation?" He says "I'm a carpenter". "To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with wood". "First, I get you hammered. Next, I nail you. Then, I screw all your friends".
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I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity
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An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a politician in the family before!"
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IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS
Q: MY HUSBAND IS UNINTERESTED IN FOREPLAY
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND CONTINUALLY ASKS ME TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON HIM
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHERE MY CLITORIS IS
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND HAS TOO MANY NIGHTS OUT WITH THE BOYS
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND WANTS A THREESOME WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND ME
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: MY HUSBAND ALWAYS HAS AN ORGASM THEN ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP WITHOUT GIVING ME ONE
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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At the local Mental Hospital :
Doctor: - "What is this?"
Mad Man: - "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages."
Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages?!... woooooow, What did you write?"
Mad man: "On the first page i wrote One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
And on the last page i wrote The King reached the Jungle."
Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Mad Man:- "I wrote;
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Doctor :- (stunned) "AND what's that????!!!!!"
Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?"
Mad Man: "I will put it on a facebook site, my mad friend's there will definitely read it... One of them is reading it as we speak!"
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An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".
No one moved.
The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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I walked into the pub last night and noticed what seemed to be a party in the corner so I asked the blonde barmaid what was going on. She said "It's Tuyu's birthday". "Oh right... which one's Tuyu?" I replied. She said "Oh, I've no idea, I just heard them singing 'Happy Birthday, Tuyu'!"
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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"
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An emergency call was made to the local police station. "Come quickly" gasped the voice "a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster". "We'll be right there" said the desk sergeant. "May I ask who's talking?" "It's me, the burglar, come quick!"
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So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.
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A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.