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My gorgeous next-door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?" I said "Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red". After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" She said "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous".
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"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year. "He's a magician" said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?" "Sawing people in half". "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters"
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A little boy runs home from school crying.
His mum asked "What's wrong my boy?" Sobbing he told his mother that the kids in his class were making fun of him because he didn't know what a penis was. His mum said "Son, wait for your dad to get out of the shower and he will explain it all to you".
Having finished with the shower and been told by the boy's mother he drops his robe in front of the boy as he entered the room.
"Son, mum told me about your day. This is a penis; in fact this is a PERFECT penis".
The boy understood.
The next day at school the children again taunted him for not knowing what a penis was. This made him smile as he said he knew what a penis was and could prove it. With that he pulled out his penis from his trousers and said "This is a penis, in fact if it was three inches shorter it would be a PERFECT penis".
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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you". Friend: "Okay shoot".
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno". Me: "A bat.
Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?" Friend: "I dunno". *CLICK
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NINE IMPORTANT FACTS TO REMEMBER AS WE GROW OLDER
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow...
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A kung fu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated". And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have". "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it". "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon". "That is the problem. You keep watching all this crap instead of training".
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A businesswoman was taking a trip to Italy. While she was packing to go, her husband says "Gonna be in Italy for a week huh? You gonna bring one of those sexy Italian girls back for me" and kind of giggles. His wife doesn't say anything. When he took her to the airport, again he says, kind of jokingly "man those Italian girls are gorgeous, your bringing one home for me right?" Then he kind of laughs it off again. The wife goes to Italy for a week. She gets home before her husband. When he comes home says hello, gives her a kiss. Jokingly he asks "Did you bring back that Italian girl I asked for??" His wife says "I don't know. We'll have to wait nine months and see".
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I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion. They told me steps had been put in place.
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It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor" testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her".
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Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".
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I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends. She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it. She smiled and winked. Two minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs.
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People have always named their children after expensive things - Mercedes, Dior, Chardonny etc. Next year watch out for Electricity, Food and Petrol
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Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week" one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well, it's not a law really" the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate".
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Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying “Tree fellers” wanted. Murphy said to Pat, said, ‘If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.’
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Putting the washing into the machine this morning I cut my hand on the wire from the wife's bra.
Figured it is some sort of booby trap.
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Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
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I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice"
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Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead". His workmates said "Holy hell, Paddy, what happened?" Paddy said "His parachute didn't open!"
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My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now and she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early the other day to found her dressed in her assistant magician's little sexy outfit. She said "Abracadabra" and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave must have wondered what was going on!
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A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". The husband replies "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
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wo IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate" says the first IT guy "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special". "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop? What is it?" "It's a Razer Blade 17, i9, with 32Gb of RAM, GeForce video card and..."
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Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming. My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls' toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No" he said "I would rather have him teaching year 5 Geography that he is employed to do..."
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Man walks into a bookstore and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with a really small penis?" Girl says "I don't think it's in yet". He replies "Yes, that's the one!"
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I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it. Then I got her a Bush Chook, she didn't like it... so I had it. It was the same with the Asahi and Peroni. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.
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A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish" said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat". "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does". "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it". "Well, okay". After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked "By the way, how many have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth" he said.
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I was in the pub a few months ago when these four huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the crap out of us!
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At the golf club at the weekend there was an unfortunate accident. Two ladies were enjoying a quiet game and had just teed off when one of the ladies was hit in the head with a wayward golf ball, somewhere between the first and second tee. An ambulance was called and, when the paramedic eventually arrived, he asked what had happened. The story was related to him and he asked "Where was she hit?" "Between the first and second hole" came the answer. The paramedic replied "Well, it's not going to leave much room for a bandage!"
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Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie... Hans down.
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We've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and here's the absolute best we can do:
-free room and board,
- 1/3 ownership in the store,
-a company pickup car,
-a king size bed and,
-$6,000 a month in living expenses".
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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle" said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said "Mister, you've got yourself a deal".
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said "I can't get this mower to start". The little boy said "That's because you have to swear at it to get it started".
The preacher said "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to swear". The little boy looked at him happily and said "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
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My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer". I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face
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My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just wait!”
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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
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After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
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After spending 3.5 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash" she snapped. Then apologising for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!"
"Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back there?"
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I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately.
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"