Krozair's Krackup's

[Landro]

wait there's more...
http://imgur.com/gallery/moga9

[Krozair]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new f*cking boat" I thought to myself.

[Palem]

Why does Oedipus refuse to swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

[Krozair]

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

[Krozair]

Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

[neanderthal]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I finally went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge, I asked?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?," he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

FORGET THE SHRINKS - HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!!
IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!

[LitheOhm]

Haha, love that bartender one :D

[Landro]

[Krozair]

Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.

As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.

The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"

[Krozair]

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".

[neanderthal]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Landro]

Which murders are hardest to solve?
Rednecks...
There are no dental records and they all have the same DNA.

[Krozair]

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.

[Landro]

[khronosschoty]

yikes! lol