-
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself". "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?" "Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
-
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini" he replied. "You'd never get it all in one". He's still in intensive care.
-
-
Just wanna say: Keep up the good work Krozair. I don't read this every day, but try to pop in every now and then :)
-
Remember when Robocop shot a rapist in the dick? Well they made a parody remake of that scene
It's hilarious but also NSFW so click at your own risk
-
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
-
I looked between the attendant and the approaching man, and slowly asked "So...are you..just going to let him drive like that?"
-
-
At an auction, a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a voice shouted "I'll give $150!"
-
Q: Why is he juggling chain saws?
A: because he doesn't have any balls
Genders are like the Twin Towers; there used to be 2 of them but now it's a very sensitive subject and some people just won't shut up about it.
-
Guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender tells him he can either make him the drink or he can give him an apple that tastes just like that. Curious, the guy asks for the apple and to his amazement when he takes a bite, it takes like Coke.
The bartender says, "Now turn it around" and sure enough the other side tasted like rum. Needless to say the customer was floored and as he was enjoying his apple another customer walks up and orders a gin and tonic. The first customer tells him he can give him an apple that tastes just like that and he holds up his apple as proof that he's not just messing with him. So the 2nd customer says he'd like a gin and tonic apple. The bartender reaches behind the counter and gives the 2nd customer his apple. He takes a bite and sure enough the apple tasted like gin.
"Now turn it around" the first customer says, so the 2nd customer turns it around and the other side tastes like tonic. Both customers sit there marvelled by these apples and talking about them when a third customer comes up to the bar.
"Hey man, this guy has an apple that tastes like anything you can think of! It's amazing! You gotta try it." The two customers tell him. To which the third customer, with a devious smirk replies
"Anything? You got an apple that tastes like p*ssy?" And before he can feel too proud of himself for outwitting the bartender, the bartender reaches under the bar and hands him an apple. The 3rd customer hesitates at first, but bites into the apple. He immediately spits it out and yells "Wtf! This tastes like sh*t!" To which the bartender says
"You gotta turn it around"
-
An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American. "You know, boy" said the American "in the 'States we have that kind of building, too, but they are four times higher". "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital".
--
-
On the first day at the new senior's complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time". He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired...
"How much for a season pass?"
-
Peace Officer: Sorry to bother you miss, but it look's like your boyfriend got run over by a truck.
Girl: I know, but he has a great personality lol.
Peace Officer: What?
Girl: What?
-DM<3
-
-
A man is sitting in a bar looking really upset. The barman realises that this depressed looking man is bad for business so goes to cheer him up. "What's the matter?" asks the barman. "I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend" "That's awful!" shouts the barman. "What a *****! What did you do?" "Well" said the man "I grabbed my girlfriend by the hair, threw her out of the house, grabbed all her clothes, threw them out of the window after her and told her never to come back". "Good for you" says the barman. "What did you do to your best friend?" "Well" says the man. "I shook my finger at him and said "BAD DOG!" "
-
-
A rather frustrated woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.
As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.
As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight t-shirt and trousers.
She could hardly control herself.
After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.
As they walked through the carpark, the lady finally lost control.
She placed her hand on the young man's bum and said "I have an itchy pussy". To which the young man replied "You'll have to show me where it is ma'am, 'cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me".
-
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says "Use the FORKS, Luke".
-
-
-
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did".
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did".
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
-
Inside every fat person is a thin person screaming for chocolate
-
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely". On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "
He said you're going to die" she replied.
-
-
Management Suit #1: We need to stop doing animal tests
Management Suit #2: Why? Cosmetics companies do it all the time
Management Suit #1: Because we make steamrollers
-
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
-
"The thrill is gone from my marriage" Alan told his friend Don. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, it's 2018, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it". So Alan went home and said "Dear, our marriage seems to be stale. Do you think an affair will bring us closer together?" "Forget it!" said his wife. "I've tried that ten or twelve times already - it never works
-
My neighbour. She's single. She's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied "Nope, I'm free!" "Great" she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
-
-
@Rattlehead Nope.... it doesnt
But THIS does
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".
His buddy said "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
-
I said to my neighbour "Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?" With a disbelieving look he said "Are you sure?" "Yes" I said "and I've got loads of pictures to prove it".
-
Did you know I was once a karate instructor?
Well, at least I was, until the parents found out I didn't have any qualifications and just enjoyed kicking kids all day
-
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said "No. You'll have to do that yourself".
-
-
A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful" he said. The blonde puts her driver away and says "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little".
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly". The blonde frowns and says "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt".
After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive".
Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night".
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup".
The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup".
The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
-
Teacher asks her class if any of them can give her a sentence using the word 'contagious'. Up goes Susie's hand....Daddy had the flu and Mummy said to keep away from him cause it is contagious. Teacher says very good Susie. Little Johnny's hand goes up. Teacher dreads this but no one else raises a hand. OK Johnny....I asked Mummy how long Daddy would be out fishing and she said it would take the contagious.
-
-
An older, white haired, Crocodile hunter from Northern Australia, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said "No, I'd like to see something a little more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated "By cheque. Now I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon".
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account!"
"I know" said the old man
"But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
-
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range" he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman" the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says "I'm a lollipop salesman".
