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A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"
"Cash or card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No" she replied "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny" she said "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it" he responded proudly. "Well, that doesn't matter" explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means". "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start".
Enjoy some of the weirdness of Buni (www.bunicomic.com)
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http://www.bunicomic.com/wp-content/...10-22-Buni.jpg
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http://www.bunicomic.com/wp-content/...04-19-Buni.jpg
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http://www.bunicomic.com/wp-content/...08-16-Buni.jpg
Sorry its been a while people - been on holidays
Here are a few to make up
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
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BOY: [calls 911] "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "All right, what is it?" BOY: "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911: "So what's your emergency?" BOY: "The ugly one is winning".
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that".
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The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity. "Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!" "Play your cards right, dear, and you will" she murmured.
A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".
The captain says "You're new here, aren't you?
This is Air Force One".
-A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
A man accidentally finds the Utopia forum & decides to have a look, when he gets to the sign in page he is presented with the dumbest and most ridiculous secret question in the history of secret questions. Luckily, this man (having no idea that the question was game related) is smarter than the average forum Moderator, so, he simply guessed that it was avian and proceeded to sign up just so he could tell the site owner/ mod or whoever that he is the king of all stooges for using such a lame dumb-ass secret question.
This man then proceeded to leave the Utopia forum never to return.
A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir". Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes sir?" Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...
My girlfriend is a real screamer, if you know what I mean. You should hear her... especially when she walks in on me and the woman from next door.
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" his mother replied. "The rest are for your father".
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday. The priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
The priest said: "Well, murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. what changed ya mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard ya sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all!"
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.
Lol krozair you don't change bro
Thx ThePuncher - glad you are enjoying them....
Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.
The first woman says "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice!"
The second woman says "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"
The third woman says "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us".
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie". She says "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too".
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognise him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing".
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him...?"
God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered. The chicken.
Censorship
Tea is more dangerous than beer.
Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night. I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when i got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...
Censorship
Krozairrrrr
Censorship
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee". Wife replies "No, you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".
@ Juicey
Mate - I hope you are well - drop me a FB message!!!!
Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.
They had been out only a short time then Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them".
"We don't have to go back" George replied.
"Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he'll go fetch them for you".
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit... and the superintendent's balls in his mouth!"
Censorship
Censorship.
If you're sure a joke was removed, posting it again is probably not the best idea
Censorship
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colours; Fill your plate with bright colours; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
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At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer. Little Boy "But I don't know how to pray".
Dad says "Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc".
Little Boy says "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's iPhone, and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mum's room when daddy is at work.
Amen".
To the person that stole my anti-depressants... I hope your happy now!
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly".
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge".
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon".
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari".
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique". replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly". "This is certainly most helpful" said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it". "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry".
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen. "But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money. We will replace the car with another". The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother".
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A Dwarf Province is readying for an attack, as the troops are preparing - two of them are in a conversation...
Warrior. "Are you coming on the attack?"
Axemen. "No, i cant ..."
The Warrior frowns at his comrade and asks. "Why is that?"
Axeman. "Im too def."