Krozair's Krackup's

Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the f*cking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
--

--
I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. ****... I really need to get off this f*cking boat before it sinks.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
--

Little Mary was not the best student in the Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
"Very good" said the Nun said and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt with the pencil.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "'Very good!" Mary fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny was about to come to her rescue.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted "If you stick that f*cking thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.

While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self-Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.

A FEW FACTS ABOUT MEN
-Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.
-Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
-If a woman buys her husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, she needs to lock the door when she goes to the bathroom.
-Women need to be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
-Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
-Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.
-If its attention a girl wants, she doesn't need to get involved with a man during playoff season.
-Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.
-Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
-All men look nerdy in ANY socks and sandals.
-The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
-Women should not try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
-Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
-A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
-Men love watches with multiple functions.
-All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship". These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.
-Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
-Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
-All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names.
-Men don't get cellulite.
-Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
-Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
-Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say "Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed... get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"
-Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
-If you're dating a man who you think is Mr Right and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
-The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on caterpillars and butterflies.
-Men own basketball teams. Every cheerleader's outfits get tighter and player's shorts get baggier and longer.
-No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
-When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
-When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
-Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
-Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
-Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outstropective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
-If a man says "I'll call you" and doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die, he just didn't want to call you.
-Men hate to lose. If a woman beats he husband at tennis, she might ask him "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He might say "Yes, but not with each other".
-Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you really want to get rid of a man say "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children". Sometimes they leave skid marks.
-Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch you look great". Mitch: "Thanks". On the other side: "Ruth, you look great". Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting"
-Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
-Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
-Only men who have worn a ski suit understands how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
-Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and intimately, but they also need men to help them get dressed.
-Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
-When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
-Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
-Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
-Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
-All men would still really like to own a train set.

A couple were watching a program on psychology one night when the topic of conflicting feelings came up. The husband told the wife there was no such thing as feeling good about something and at the same time feel bad about it. The wife thought about it for a minute and strongly disagreed. He called her bluff and said "prove it". She said "You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends".

One day a blonde guy went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot he said to the Auctioneer "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry" said the auctioneer "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way".
The doc said "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week".
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together - an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts".
He whips down his pants and says "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked "What's that for?" "To be honest sir" the navigator replied "I'll know we're lost before you will".

Its 1972. The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son" said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her".
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess" said the priest.
"It's worse than that, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours" continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly" said the priest.
"Thanks, Father" said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind".
"Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son" said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week".
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week". The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week". The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, ladies and gentlemen, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the smartass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own". The waitress replied "In that case sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu"...

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered "Yes". Then he thought a moment and said "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree".

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".
Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day. Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita".
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thankyou, Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

A Kungfu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated".
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have".
"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it".
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon".
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this **** instead of training".

White Wolf - Yes it is me :)



Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone".
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the guy and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist interjected "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket".
"Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook".
He continued "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honestly mate, all I did was tell her!"

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that: North American, Australian, New Zealander and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil. Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes".
The Frenchman said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight!"
The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours".
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked "Two full hours? ... wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding it over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I then stopped abruptly, went "Aaaaaaah!" and rolled over to my side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping?" she whispered. "Found the remote" I said.

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room". "Thanks Grandad!" "Why did you call me Grandad?" "Because I couldn't find them before I went out last night".

A taxpayer received a strongly worded 'second notice' that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh" confided the collector with a smile "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective".

Three couples, an old couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newly married couple coincidentally moved to a rural Bible belt town, and on Sunday went to the church.
The pastor seeing the strangers went up to them and asked them about themselves to which the couples gave polite answers.
The pastor then explained that it was a close-knit God-fearing community and before the strangers can join the church, they will have to prove themselves worthy. They need to resist the devil's temptations.
"Go forth an abstain from sex for a week and come back next Sunday".
The following Sunday all 3 couples turned up at church and were greeted by the pastor.
"How did you go?" he asked the old couple. "The thought of sex never entered our heads". "Welcome to the flock!"
And the middle-aged couple replied "Well, by Thursday the thought was in our minds, but we managed to resist temptation and here we are". "Welcome to this House of God".
Then the young man spoke up "Well, Sunday night I had pretty strong urges but I resisted them. Monday the urges were stronger, but I knew it was just the Devil trying to tempt me. Tuesday the urges were so strong, but I held my ground".
"Then on Wednesday morning, my wife was bending over getting a chicken out of the freezer for our dinner, and I could not resist, so I lifted her skirt and gave it to her from behind".
"You wicked sinner! Get out of here and don't come back!"
"Wow, that's exactly what they told us at the supermarket, too".

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman. "The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".

A man was interviewing older folk in an old-age home one day, trying to find out what enabled them to live such a long and healthy life, possibly finding the secrets to longevity along the way.
He goes up to the first older gentleman. The old man is standing upright, looks fit and strong, very happy, not wheelchair bound, seems pretty young still, and is surrounded by a group of ladies.
The interviewer asks the old man "Good day sir, you're looking so healthy and fit, may I ask how old you are sir?" "Certainly, young man, my next birthday I'll be 89" "Wow!" exclaimed the young man. "And to what to you attribute this great health sir?" "Well, on a daily basis, I go for a morning jog around the local town here, I keep my brain sound by studying all kinds of intricate topics whenever I can, I play the piano, drink one or two glasses of red wine on a regular basis, oh yes, and every now and then, I have sex, about once a week". "Thank you very much sir!" and the young man departs.


On he goes to his second older gentleman. Just as before the old man looks great, fit, healthy, and seems even younger than the previous guy. Once again, intrigued, he asks the old man "Good day sir, you're looking great, how old are you?" "Thank you young man, next birthday I'll be 92!" "My goodness" exclaims the young man. "How do you do it, sir?" "Well, on a daily basis I play at least one game of tennis, I swim in the local pool whenever I can, I used to be a doctor and I still read medical journals just to keep my brain sharp, I drink a glass of whiskey every night, oh yes, and about twice a week, I have sex". "Thank you so very much sir!" and once again, the young man departs.


As he approaches the third older gentleman, he observes that this old man is totally different from the other two. He is sitting in a wheelchair, he looks tired and worn out, black rings under his eyes, and he keeps asking the nurses stuff over and over, like he is extremely forgetful or has Alzheimer's. The young man thinks, well maybe this man is over 100, and he has to be objective to find the answers to longevity he is looking for.
He asks the old man "Sir, so what do you attribute your long life to?" The old man answers "Son, just sex, sex, and more sex!" "Sex in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, just whenever I can, sex, sex, sex! It's all I think about and it's all I do for exercise". The young man, somewhat perplexed, asks the old man "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" The old man answers "My next birthday I'll be 37!"

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband" she replied. "Damn, I better get going then" the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax" said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you".

"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh*t".

When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth". "It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age" said the bartender, sympathetically. "I only wish it was that" answered Dave "but it's much worse. "He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant". "That's impossible!" gasped the bartender. "No, it's not". Said Dave. "The little **** stuck a pin in all my condoms"

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong, why are you so down today?". The man says "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender says "So, you are sad because you will miss having her to talk to?" The man said "No - I'm sad because the month is up tonight".

One of my favourites - although a little long and I am some words WILL be censored




Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an Xbox One with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
--
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus
--
Mr Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully, Tim Jones
--
Mr Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry-bin most days.
Very Truly Yours, S Claus
--
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
--
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
--
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
--
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little c*nt.
Santa

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. "How are you mate?" "Yeah I'm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing". I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said "Your dads sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond "Get away with ya... Prove it".
I shouted downstairs "Hey, mate! Both of them?"
He shouted back "Of course both of them! What's the point in f*cking one?"
--

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the unsympathetic driver told him to get the f*ck out of his cab.

He had no choice but to walk all the way to the airport.

Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says "Get the f*ck out of my cab".

So, he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the f*ck out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go!"

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier "Why did you join the army?" Second Soldier "I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So, I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?"
First Soldier "I had a wife and I loved peace. So, I joined".

A bloke calls his wife from the emergency department. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works. "Oh my God!" cries the wife "The whole finger?" "No" replies the bloke "The one next to it".

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!

Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years". "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part".