Krozair's Krackup's

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".

Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".

"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..."

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At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple was celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling a story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
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A policeman arrived at the scene of an accident in which a luxury car smashed into a Coca-Cola truck. The officer rushed over to the vehicle and asked the driver "Are you seriously injured?" "I won't know until my lawyer gets here!" the driver responded.
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A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says "How should I know? I'm only 6".
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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

A little boy hears the word 'whorehouse' in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time". The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time" not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last".

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".

ambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.

She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen... the works.

Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman - literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new 'body work'. When the exam was finished, he called her in.

"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis". Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo-what?"

"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s". Bambi giggled, blushed and said "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones all the time!"

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I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told her to sit down and I put a classic porn film on for inspiration. My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway. "That looks good". She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that". "Really?" I asked, excitedly. "Oh yes". She said. "With extra mushrooms though!!"
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".
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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied. The manager scowled "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed "Darling. My name is John Darling". "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is"...

A recent article in the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that a woman, Maynard, has sued a Philadelphia Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".

The little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas" and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says "No, I have enough toys".
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter "C-A-N-D-Y". Again the little boy thinks a second and says "No, I have all kinds of candy".
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO KNOW...

-Each year there are approximately 20,000 "rent-a-Santa's" across the United States. These Santa's usually undergo seasonal training on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public. They also receive practical advice, such as not accepting money from parents while children are looking and avoiding garlic, onions, or beans for lunch.
-Norwegian scientists have hypothesized that Rudolph's red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.
-Silent Night was first sung as part of a church service in Austria. A guitar was used because the church organ was so badly rusted it couldn't be played.
-Before Christians decided on December 25 to celebrate the birth of Jesus, several dates were proposed: January 2, March 21, March 25, April 18, April 19, May 20, May 28, and November 20.
-Japanese people traditionally eat at KFC for Christmas dinner, thanks to a successful marketing campaign 40 years ago. KFC is so popular that customers must place their Christmas orders 2 months in advance.
-The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
-In Germany and some other western European countries, St. Nicholas, or Nikolaus comes on the night from the 5th to the 6th of December, where children have their boots all shined and clean in front of a door or window. He will leave toys, nuts oranges, apples and chocolate for the good children. The bad child gets a branch to be used by the parents to beat the offending child.
-Santa Claus has different names in different countries: Sheng Dan Lao Ren in China, Father Christmas in England, Papa Noel in Brazil and Peru and Pere Noel in France.
-An artificial Christmas tree would have to be reused for more than 20 years to be "greener" than buying a fresh-cut tree annually.
-Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone.
-The "true love" mentioned in the song "Twelve Days of Christmas" does not refer to a romantic couple, but the Catholic Church's code for God. The person who receives the gifts represents someone who has accepted that code. For example, the "partridge in a pear tree" represents Christ. The "two turtledoves" represent the Old and New Testaments.
-Guatemalan adults do not exchange Christmas gifts until New Year's Day. Children get theirs on Christmas morning.
-The two biggest selling Christmas songs are "White Christmas" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
-The Nazi party tried to turn Christmas into a nonreligious holiday celebrating the coming of Hitler, with Saint Nicholas replaced by Odin the "Solstice Man" and swastikas on top of Christmas trees.
-The US playing card company 'Bicycle' had manufactured a playing card in WW2. That, when the card was soaked, it would reveal an escape route for POWs. These cards were Christmas presents for all POWs in Germany. The Nazis were none the wiser!
-Most of Santa's reindeer have male-sounding names, such as Blitzen, Comet, and Cupid. However, male reindeers shed their antlers around Christmas, so the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh are likely not male, but female or castrati.
-In North America, children put stockings out at Christmas time. Their Dutch counterparts use shoes.
-The smallest Christmas card was made by scientists at the University of Glasgow in the United Kingdom in 2010. At only 200 x 290 micrometres in size, 8,276 of these cards would fit in one postage stamp.
-The people of Oslo, Norway donate the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree every year in gratitude to the people of London for their assistance during WWII.
-According to the Guinness world records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir that was displayed in 1950 at the Northgate Shopping Center in Seattle.
-The traditional three colours of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth; red symbolises the blood of Christ, and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty.
-When visiting Finland, Santa leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko. Finnish folklore has it that Ukko is made of straw, but is strong enough to carry Santa Claus anyway.
-The most expensively dressed Christmas tree was valued at $11,026,900 and was displayed by the Emirates Palace in the UAE.
-During the Christmas of 2010, the Colombian government covered jungle trees with lights. When FARC guerrillas (terrorists) walked by, the trees lit up and banners asking them to lay down their arms became visible. 331 guerrillas re-entered society and the campaign won an award for strategic marketing excellence.
-According to data analysed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. Christmas Day is the least favourite day for breakups.
-When distributing gifts in Holland, St. Nicholas is accompanied his servant, Black, who is responsible for actually dropping the presents down their recipients' chimneys. He also punishes bad children by putting them in a bag and carrying them away to Spain.
-The largest artificial Christmas tree measures 170.6 feet and can be found in Brazil.
-Nearly all of the most popular Christmas songs including 'Winter Wonderland', 'Chestnuts roasting', and 'I'm Dreaming of a white Christmas' were written by Jews.
-Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low. The highest rates are during spring.
-In Syria, Christmas gifts are distributed by one of the Wise Men's camels. The gift-giving camel is said to have been the smallest one in the Wise Men's caravan.
-The largest Christmas star ornament measures 103 feet and eight inches tall and can be found in India.
-All letters addressed to Santa in the United States go to Santa Claus, Indiana.
-The world's largest Christmas stocking measured 106 feet and 9 inches (32.56 m) long and 49 feet and 1 inch (14.97 m) wide. It weighed as much as five reindeer and held almost 1,000 presents. It was made by the Children's Society in London on December 14, 2007.
-One town in Indiana is called Santa Claus. There is also a Santa, Idaho.
-The most lights lit on simultaneously on a Christmas tree is 194,672 and was achieved in Belgium last year.
-During the Christmas of 1914 (WWI), a truce was held between Germany and the UK. They decorated their shelters, exchanged gifts across no man's land and played a game of football between themselves.
-Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
-The popular Christmas song "Jingle Bells" was actually written for Thanksgiving. The song was composed in 1857 by James Pierpont, and was originally called "One Horse Open Sleigh".
-Although now mostly vegetarian, in Victorian times, mince pies were made with beef and spices.
-In 1867, a Boston industrialist heard Charles Dickens read A Christmas Carol and was so moved he closed his factory on Christmas Day and gave every one of his employees a turkey.
-In Poland, spiders or spider webs are common Christmas trees decorations because according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for Baby Jesus. In fact, Polish people consider spiders to be symbols of goodness and prosperity at Christmas.
-Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. It refers to merely "wise men".
-There are 364 gifts mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
-Ancient peoples, such as the Druids, considered mistletoe sacred because it remains green and bears fruit during the winter when all other plants appear to die. Druids would cut the plant with golden sickles and never let it touch the ground. They thought it had the power to cure infertility and nervous diseases and to ward off evil.
-Carols began as an old English custom called wassailing, toasting neighbours to a long life.
-The Boxing Day holiday was originally celebrated in England for the servants to the rich people. After Christmas the servants "boxed up" all the left-overs from the rich people and took them home.
-The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67.
-According to the UNICEF there are 2,106 million children under age 18 in the world. If there are on average 2.5 children per household, Santa would have to make 842 million stops on Christmas Eve, traveling 221 million miles. To reach all 842 million stops, Santa would need to travel between houses in 2/10,000 second, which means he would need to accelerate 12.19 million miles (20.5 billion meters) per second on each stop. The force of this acceleration would reduce Santa to salsa.
-It is said that candy canes were invented by a candy maker in Indiana. He wanted to use them to spread the name Jesus around the world.-Mistletoe kissing originated with fertility rites. The hanging sprig is a very ancient symbol of virility and therefore anybody standing beneath it is signalling that he or she is sexually available.
-America's official national Christmas tree is located in King's Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the "General Grant Tree" is over 90 meters (300 feet) high, and was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.
-There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
-Some zoos take donated Christmas trees and use them to feed their animals.
-Because they viewed Christmas as a decadent Catholic holiday, the Puritans in America banned all Christmas celebrations from 1659-1681 with a penalty of five shillings for each offense. Some Puritan leaders condemned those who favoured Christmas as enemies of the Christian religion.
-The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25, AD 336 in Rome.
-Nearly 60 million Christmas trees are grown each year in Europe.
-Charles Dickens grew up during a 'Little Ice Age' - it snowed for each of his first 8 Christmases, influencing his writing and hence today's tradition of a 'White Christmas'.
-Early illustrations of St. Nicholas depict him as stern, commanding, and holding a birch rod. He was more a symbol of discipline and punishment than the jolly, overweight elf children know today.
-Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones in the US since 1991.
-Biblical scholars believe Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable.
-Mormon missionaries can only call home twice a year: once on Mother's Day and again on Christmas.
-In Greece, Italy, Spain and Germany, workers get a Christmas bonus of one month's salary by law.
-Christmas stockings allegedly evolved from three sisters who were too poor to afford a marriage dowry and were therefore doomed to a life of prostitution. They were saved however when the wealthy Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna (the precursor to Santa Claus) crept down their chimney and generously filled their stockings with gold coins.
-St. Nicholas was bishop of the Turkish town in the early 4th century. The Dutch first made him into a Christmas gift-giver, and settlers brought him to America where his name eventually became the familiar Santa Claus.
-The chances of a white Christmas is Australia is pretty much 0.
-Telling "scary ghost stories" is an old Christmas Eve tradition that has died out in the past century.
-95% of all Americans celebrate Christmas (only 75% of the U.S. is Christian), and just 51% of the holiday's celebrators consider it a "strongly religious" holiday.
-President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.
-In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce and spinach.
-Many theologians estimate that Jesus wasn't born sometime in September between 6BC and 30AD.
-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen is the only record to get the UK Christmas Singles Chart Number One twice, once in 1975 and again in 1991.
-It is estimated that the single "White Christmas" by Irving Berlin is the bestselling single of all time, with over 100 million sales worldwide.
-Christmas has different meanings around the world; Christmas Eve in Japan is a good day to eat fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.
-In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world's biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.
-Engineers designing the Voyager Space mission planned it to avoid planetary encounters over Thanksgiving and Christmas.
-Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor.
-There are approximately 21,000 Christmas tree farms in the United States. In 2008, nearly 45 million Christmas trees were planted, adding to the existing 400 million trees.
-Alabama was the first US state to recognise Christmas as an official holiday, and the tradition began in 1836. Oklahoma was the last to declare it a legal holiday, in 1907.

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you!"

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs!" "What do you mean mate!?" says the Aussie "Those aren't Australian customs..." "Yes they are!" replied the Chinese man "Travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull ****!"

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a separate box.

A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash.
The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied.
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.