Krozair's Krackup's

Let's have some Irish jokes for our devs

How does every Irish joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

1 less drunk at the party

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

A. He couldn't afford plane fare.
B. Because it was too far for them to crawl.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

What does Ireland have more of than any other country?

Irishmen!

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover??

A rash of good luck!

Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?

Because you don?t want to press your luck.

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?

To keep from falling in the stew!

Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?

Cause the grass tickles their balls

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

IF you find gold in a gold mine and copper in a copper mine, where do you find silver?

Under the lone rangers arse.

How do you make a hankie dance?


Put a little boogie in it

Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula "I think I'm going to see a dietician". Paula asked "Why?" Rosey answered "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Paula said "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose!?"

The doctor finally relented saying "All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked "Good god! What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up"...

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ******". "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a ****** and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn!"

The second English-man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite ******!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you".

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right... that bastard is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".

The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your mates were trying to tell me!" says the Irishman.

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Krozair

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

---

lmao

What is the hardest part about learning how to roller skate?






Telling your father you've come out of the closet.

My elderly grandfather recently had to attend an Emergency Evacuation training course in his retirement home.

Unfortunately he failed the course - when asked "what steps would you take in the event of a fire ?"




apparently, "****ing big ones" was not the answer they wanted.

Mrs Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her 'private parts'. After a couple of minutes he asked "How does that feel?" "Wonderful" she replied "but the discharge is from my ear".

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again".

The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurised?" The blonde said "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes".

Ty krozair. This is one of the things I check while at work to help speed the day along. Moar plz!!

There's a car crash. Both drivers are unhurt but pretty shaken up. One of them walks to to his car trunk an pulls out a bottle of beer and hands it to the other driver. "Here, have a beer to calm your nerves." The other driver drains the bottle in one go. "Thanks, aren't you going to have one too?". "No," says the other "I think I'll wait until after the cops give me the breath analyzer test."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".

THE BEST AND WORST SPEEDING EXCUSES

-I told a State Trooper I was speeding because I had to use the bathroom. He told me where the closet restroom was located, followed me and wrote my ticket in the parking lot as I ran inside to use the bathroom".

-"I am on my way to give someone their last rites". Later the driver complained that I made him late and the guy died without them, however after the ticket he went directly into the nearby McDonalds.

-A cop caught a woman speeding who pulled into a convenience store and bought drinks. When she returned out to her car, the cop saw she was pregnant. "I'm in labour and on my way to the hospital" the woman told him. He offered to escort her to the hospital but the woman admitted she just used her pregnancy as an excuse.

-Stopped a guy doing 30 over. He asked to get out of the car to speak with me. After patting him down he walked to the rear of my car. He then asked if I would hurry up and write his ticket, he really needed to get home. After this request I asked him the emergency. He said I might not understand. I said just tell me what's the problem. He point toward his car and the young woman in it. He said they had been dating several months and she was finally "giving it up" and he wanted to get home before she changed her mind.

-In another hospital excuse, an officer said the driver he stopped for speeding said he was taking his wife to the hospital. "She's bad sick" the driver told Thomas. Thomas glanced in at the wife who wore a smirk on her face. Thomas offered to escort the couple to the hospital. While en route, he watched the couple arguing. He followed them into the emergency room where they continued arguing. Just as she acted like she was going to check in, the wife stopped and said "I'm not doing this anymore. You need to take what's coming to you".

-The best was when I stopped a guy going 88mph in a 60. Asked him why he was going so fast. He replied "I was trying to go back in time" as he looked at me and grinned.

-My dad used to say he got held up and was very late picking up his daughter and he was worried about her waiting all alone. Worked about 90% of the time.

-A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.

-My wife didn't care for long drives on the interstate when she travelled on business alone. So she would put a box of tampons (visible) in the backseat. Whenever she was stopped for speeding, she would act jumpy, exasperated and irate. When questioned as to why she was driving so fast she would point to the box of tampons in the backseat. No male officer ever ticketed her!

-I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said "I'm a Wicka". I said "A what?" She goes "You know, a witch". I said "Oh yeah". Then she asks "Are you giving me a ticket?" I said "Yes, I am". She said "I'll put a spell on you. I told her "Too late. My ex-wife beat you to it".

-As I was speeding, a state trooper pulled me over. When he told me how fast I was going I told him I had been talking to myself. He looked puzzled. I said I was mad at my husband and was practicing what I was going to say to him. I guess the madder I got the faster I got. He closed his ticket book and said "I'll let you finish your conversation, just keep it under the speed limit". Works every time.

-DRIVER: My buddy, who is police officer, is gonna kill me! OFFICER: Who is your buddy? DRIVER: David Pollino! OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him! DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks. DRIVER: I don't understand! OFFICER: Can you read, ma'am? Can you read my name tag out loud? DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino! OFFICER: Ma'am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks.

-An officer asked my grandma why she was in a hurry and she said she had ice cream in the back and didn't want it to melt. He let her go.

-"Oh I thought the sign I-95 meant the speed limit... glad you didn't catch me over on SR-210 earlier".

-"I wasn't speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast".

-One driver blamed bigger tires for his increased speed. The judge understood because he knew changing out the size of a tire can throw off the speedometer.

-It snowed 6 inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter of fact told me "Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I'm going!!"

-I was working the highway on a Sunday afternoon and I pulled over a van with two occupants that was speeding. I asked what the emergency was and the driver responds that he was trying to get a fly out of the van and he figured that if he opened the windows and sped that it would work.

-I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 at 101mph. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85mph. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was "My speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor".

-I was trying to catch up to the guy in front of me so that I could read his license plate because he threw a beer bottle at my car".

-One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to make sure everything went alright. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didn't write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough.

-"My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I'm on my way to get it fixed!"

-A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".

-A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says "An 8-iron, father. How about you? "The priest says "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray". The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down".

-Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did". The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know - five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five".

-A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked "Are you a good golfer? The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".




--I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2".


--
The biggest difference between men and women, is what comes to mind when they hear the word "facial".


--
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.



--
I was in the gym changing room when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum. I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about. He said that maybe it was probably innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers.
--



A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a Priest come in. "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The Priest replies "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered "God made me a long time ago". "Oh" she paused "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey" he said "God made you just a little while ago". Feeling their respective faces again, she observed "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
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A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".

Do you have a vagina? Not to xxx I believe....

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a innocent man standing there

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina? She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina? She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

Do you have a vagina?

Yes, actually I have, she says...

The man replies.. Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

Thread continues to deliver. Krozair ftw.

What do you call a bear that's been caught in the rain?









-A drizzly bear

gg Krozair :p

Last post just fizzled the thread.

Q: What's a synonym for a Wii User?

A: A wizzkid

Oh my god - bad puns have been posted.....


Oh well I hope people like this...


One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is". "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts".

The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"Okay" the husband said gruffly "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits". At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse. The twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't" replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars".

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Chiropractor: "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

Lawyer: "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me.



What did Zero say to number Eight?

sigh "Nice belt."



What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.



Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Bar...

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights
would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers ...

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please
use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in
there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun ... So the bartender showed the nun to the back of
the restaurant.

After a few minutes, the nun came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just
because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ... ‘No thank you, but,

I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out ...


Now, how about that drink?’

Great round of jokes - well posted!



UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want". The first engineer nodded approvingly and said "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway".
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him".
He said "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime".
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them". The ophthalmologist added "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them".
They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #5
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

This is a scam against older men at places Wal-mart, Home Depot, etc

Please be careful fellas.



Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.






I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Wal Mart and Home Depot.


So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

needs more jokes! (this is not a request for kuhan to grace us with his presence in the thread)

@ Goodz - feel free to post some :)


Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing" says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him to the zoo and the same thing happens. "What's that, daddy?" he asks. "That, son, is an elephant's penis" his father replies. "Mummy said it was nothing" the lad says. "Your mother's spoilt, son" said his dad.
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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny. "Look" says Bob "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you". Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob gives it to him as a male. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go. "**** off" Bob replies "I've got a headache".
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?" The other replies "Oh sure I do". The first old lady asks "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies "I suck a lifesaver". After a few moments, the first old lady asks "Who drives you to the beach?"
--
This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1...? So I did. I don't remember much after the punch hit me.

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went into the kitchen, where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" I asked her. She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk". Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock".

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so I couldn't play golf, go drinking or fish, so I talked to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.



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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint...


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A blind rabbit, and a blind snake meet in the woods. They start talking, and eventually become friends, and they agree to meet on a regular basis. On one of these meetings, the snake says "You know, we have talked a lot, but I am blind, and I don't know what you look like, do you mind if I feel you?" The rabbit agrees, and the snake feels him"... You are soft and cuddly, with a little cotton tail. Are you a rabbit?" "Why yes I am... may I check you out?" "Certainly" The bunny says "Hmmm, you seem to be cold and slimy, and you are choking the life out of me... are you by chance a lawyer?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I knew you'd ask about this one day.

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: You've Got Male!

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

BEER FACTS EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW

-A pint of Guinness has fewer calories than Coors and Budweiser and has more flavor than them. Guinness draft has fewer calories than a serving of skim milk, which has 135 calories. It also has fewer calories than a serving of orange juice, which contains 183 calories. Twelve ounces of Guinness contains only 125 calories.
-The global beer industry is forecast to have a value of $496.6 billion in 2014 compared to the global wine industry which is expected to reach $327.8 billion in 2016.
-It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
-Back in 2009 a small Michigan microbrewery called Dark Horse turned down a potentially huge endorsement deal with Nickelback. The spot would have involved a delivery truck pulling up to a frat party with crowd shots of kids holding the beers. Dark Horse ultimately declined because they hated like Nickelback.
-Snow Beer in China is the most popular beer, with 74.8 million barrels sold in 2012.
-Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Sadly its alcoholic content is less than that found in a standard beer.
-In the Czech Republic, the average person drinks 346 12-ounce bottles of beer per year - the most of any other country.
-Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
-The moon has a crater named Beer.
-Pale lagers and pilsners account for the top 10 most popular beer brands in the world.
-In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminium cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.
-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
-At 65 percent alcohol by volume, Armageddon from Brewmaster in Scotland is the world's strongest beer.
-A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile. Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
-Beer helped Joseph Priestly discover oxygen. He noticed gases rising from the big vats of beer at a brewery and asked to do some experiments.
-Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.
-At spas in Europe, you can literally bathe in beer as a physical and mental therapeutic treatment.
-Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hassled ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
-Beer contains high levels of silicon, which have been found to increase mineral density in bones, according to researchers. In other words - drink more!
-Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle".
-Oktoberfest originally started as a festival celebrating the 1810 marriage of Crown Prince Ludwig.
-At the start of Bavarian Beer Week in Germany, an open-air beer fountain dispenses free beer to the public.
-After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armour or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
-Beer is easiest on the kidneys among alcoholic beverages because it has the highest water content. In other words - drink more!
-Germany is home to a beer pipeline. Taps in Veltsin-Arena are connected by a 5km tube of beer.
-During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavoured with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.
-Nobel Prize winner Niels Bohr was given a perpetual supply of beer piped into his house.
-In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
-The Code of Hammurabi decreed that bartenders who watered down beer would be executed.
-President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari.
-At the Wife Carrying World Championships, first prize is the wife's weight in beer.
-In the middle ages "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
-A cloud near the constellation Aquila contains enough ethyl alcohol to fill 400 trillion, trillion pints of beer.
-Fried beer won Most Creative Fried Food at the 2010 Texas State Fair.
-By the 1900s most saloons were owned by breweries. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.
-Coined in the early 1900s, the word "alcoholiday" means leisure time spent drinking.
-Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-The builders of the Great Pyramid of Giza were paid with a daily ration of beer.
-In the 1980s, a beer-drinking goat was elected mayor of Lajitas, TX.
-There is an Egyptian beer, called 'Bousa' that is brewed from millet and has been a favourite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze". Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza.