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Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"
Q: How do you know if you're being followed by the NSA in World of Warcraft?
A: click here
Q: Why is it a bad idea for Le Drian to mock his German colleague Von Der Leyen, because's she a woman?
A: Because when she chases him with a rolling pin, Le Drian will only end up saying "Je me rends".
Why are cats all lesbians?
Because they're pussies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (it sort of makes sense)
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. But the man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” Just as he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, So he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Pittsburgh ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players up there.”
“Really,” said the manager. “My wife is from Pittsburgh .”
“No ****,” replied the boy. “What position did she play?”
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said "Let's hope it's not the 13th then".
--
This year, I hosted Christmas Dinner for family, far and wide, and everyone was encouraged to bring all the children and grandchildren as well. During dinner, my four-year-old granddaughter stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little granddaughter said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".
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Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.
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A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?" "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "No... Barbie cums with GI Joe! She only fakes it with Ken..."
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The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus; 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus; 3) You are Santa Claus; 4) You look like Santa Claus.
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The kids today don't know they're born. Not like us when we were young. We were so poor in our house that on Christmas morning, if you didn't wake up with an erection, you had bugger all to play with!
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa ****head, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were
packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney
.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman??
A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!
On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?”
Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!
What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
“Holly” wood!
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year
10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus
There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
No one would ask to see your job description.
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old woman who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandma will settle the bill.'
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.
Q - What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A - Black mail!
Q - Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
A - Santa Paws!
Q - Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
A - Because it soots him!
A good article on Santa here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/ch...-presents.html
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh
and call him names"
If Santa was a serial killer, what would you find in your stocking?
Your foot.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Barbie's Letter to Santa
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
KEN'S Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES
NOT deserve preferential treatment - the ***** has everything. I, along
with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hairstyle.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was
my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a
change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty
Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several
other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green
Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more
accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the ***** to the curb. Bendable knees
would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about
this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having GI Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night!
Sincerely,
Ken
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an
inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before
allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good,
he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it
is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride
and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as
he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector
has a pump shotgun on his lap.
"Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell
you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa
Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, it reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household that's 91.8 million homes, presuming there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say for each Christian household with good children Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.Assuming each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner (Not the monarch).
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Moon
My joke is the best.
DIARY OF AN AUSSIE RECENTLY MOVED TO THE US
DECEMBER 8
It's started to snow. The first of the season, and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was BEAUTIFUL!
DECEMBER 9
We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk, and the neighbour's walk. Later the snowplough came along and covered up our walks with compacted snow from the street so I shovelled them again.
DECEMBER 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is through.
DECEMBER 14
It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 degrees below zero. Shovelled the driveway and the sidewalk again and the snowplough came by and did its trick again.
DECEMBER 15
Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought snow tires for wife's car.
DECEMBER 16
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.
DECEMBER 17
Still cold (below zero in the a.m.) and icy roads make for very tough driving.
DECEMBER 20
Had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shovelling in store for me today. The goddam snowplough came by twice.
DECEMBER 22
We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 inches of the white **** fell today, and with this freezing weather it won't melt till August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to pee.
DECEMBER 23
I was going to go ice fishing today but my worms froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my bait.
DECEMBER 24
If I ever catch the son of a ***** that drives that snowplough I'll drag him through the snow by the balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over what used to be my lawn.
DECEMBER 25
Merry Christmas. They predict 20 more inches of the white stuff tonight. Do they know how many shovels full of snow 20 inches is? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white ****. The snowplough driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with the snow shovel.
DECEMBER 26
We got 28 inches and then some. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of cabin fever because the wife is starting to look good to me.
DECEMBER 27
The toilet froze. If you go outside don't eat the brown snow.
DECEMBER 28
I set fire to the house. Now that white **** won't cling to the roof!
oh well cant get into game...might as well post a joke...
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Michael and Gary got married in California. They couldn't afford a real honeymoon so they drive back to Michael's mum and dad's house in Portland, Oregon for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Michael and Gary are up yet. She replies "No".
Johnny asks "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Michael and Gary up yet?" She replies "No".
Johnny says "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Michael and Gary up yet?" His mum says "No". He asks "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Okay tell me what you think".
He says "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my model airplane glue by mistake.
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram home!
Ok here is something different - but i think regular readers of this thread will enjoy it...
These are current War Terms and Conditions I have posted in the War Forums thread.....
Hi All
Thought it best to set out a few rules so we can all have fun....
1 - No Player Killing (PK) - never fun to kill off some one - and never nice to see someone die - if I see a prov with under 500 peasants if I am on I will post in these forums - if the province then doesnt do anything about it and dies anyway at least they had been warned...
2 - After 48 hours regardless of the actual state of the war you will surrender.
No no, its alright you dont have too thank us (too much) for allowing you to do so... after all its only fair - after seeing the snatch news of your kingdom your Monarch and Chamberlain would have shouted YES and punched the air in delight - a war AND against a smaller opponent! All their Christmas's had come at once.
So the advantages for your surrendering.... they are simple, You seem like nice people and I like to win wars - so letting us win is a "nice" thing to do.
Also, and an added bonus, by losing a war you suddenly find LOTS of other kingdoms will want to war you, serious, it is true... when we had the one war win it took FOREVER to find someone else to war - the one loss and let me tell you they were lined up at the gate to get a piece of the action - we've had hostiles coming out of our wazoo ever since. And the REAL beauty of this is that they will wade in thinking they are going to have a push over and you and me both know that you will knock the living crap out of them... so happy days for you and we all win :)
Terms and Conditions:
1 - By reading the above you and your province and your kingdom and your spare province that you think no one really knows about, but everyone secretly does but don't want to let you know they know, are bound by the above in full agreement.
2 - By logging into this forum you agree to the above
3 - By logging into your province - even if you haven't logged into this forum you agree to the above
4 - By having some one you know log into the game you are bound to agree to the above
5 - By being born / hatched / arriving by divine intervention you agree to the above
Failure to abide by the above terms and conditions can or may result in the following curses:
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
May ketchup always find your shirt
May all the windows you jump through be closed
May all your friends eat beans constantly.
May all the water you dive into be a mirage
May all your sandwiches have mold on them.
May you have a close encounter with an insane dentist
May a rabbit mistake your nose for a carrot
May you be the recipient of the south end of a north-facing camel.
May all your teeth fall out except for the one with the toothache!
May your daughter's hair grow thick and abundant, all over her face!
May onions grow in your navel!
May the IRS disallow all your deductions!
May the Easter Bunny leave you rotten eggs and jellied green beans!
May you be given a lump of coal for Christmas!
May all of Santa's reindeer get the ****s on your roof!
May you be stricken with epilepsy while having open heart surgery!
May you be ticketed for driving 56 on the Interstate highway!
May you swallow a fishbone whilst eating sushi!
May all the BBSs deny you access forevermore!
May you try your luck at roller skating, while descending the stairs!
May a mean surgeon sew up your asshole!
May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your errogenous zones.
May you turn into a chandelier, and hang all day and burn all night!
May the desert winds blow a pissed off scorpion up your undershorts.
May you live in interesting times.
Happy gaming peoples and enjoy the war...
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 66 year old retired Australian named Reg walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick" he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.
The Receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".
The man replied "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it!" he replied.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Johnny. He began stomping on them in his anger.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny wandered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said "That's it! No butter for you for one month!"
Early that same evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
About a month later, the tired and frustrated father, upon coming home from work, kicks the cat... And then little Johnny immediately offers "Are you going to tell him, mummy, or shall I?"
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term
Ghandi's epiphany?
Wisdom:
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize
there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
A woman visited a plastic surgeon that told her about a new procedure called, ?The Knob,? where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted, ?The Knob.?
Over the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ?All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.?
The doctor looked at her closely and said, ?Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.?
She said, ?Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
The Priest and the Rabbi
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
bump
I phoned the radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"
"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied.
Replace beiber with tay swift and this is great!Quote:
Originally Posted by aggro
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me".
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
War is when the government tells you who the enemy is.
Revolution is when you figure it out on your own.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago".
--
MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not".
MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'!"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says "I was in bed". "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back "Any time you're ready, Father of Four".
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper 'Please wake me at 5am'. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said 'It is 5:00am. Wake up'.
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common". The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick..."
MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening".
MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband... "I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect - I definitely don't want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up... I definitely want to have sex".
MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says... "Okay but I have my rules about sex also... every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer - I don't give a **** about your hair!
MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
MARRIAGE (PART XII)
"Well" Ole replied to the assembled husbands "I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary". Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her!"
MARRIAGE (PART XIII)
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?""Oh yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
MARRIAGE (PART XIV)
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow!! What a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and f*ck off in the morning!"
A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor".
--
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
--
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "Sex".
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
A man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute. He shouted to his missus "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends" she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back "Manchester United".
--
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..?
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Sam remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth three times, flossed twice times and on top of that, gargled Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Sam opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Sam, did you have 69 before you came here...?" "Errr... why?" asked Sam "Does my breath smell like pussy?" "No" The dentist replied "Your forehead smells like ****!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?
-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-The farm was used to produce produce.
-The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
-We must polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
-Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
-A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
-When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-The buck does funny things when the does are present.
-A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
...
My wife texts me: "I think we need a holiday. I just want to chill out and catch some rays with you. XXX". I can't wait to tell her that I've just booked us an epic three week fishing tour around the coast of Iceland.