A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender looks at him and says "gee, that looks uncomfortable"
The man replies "bloody oath, its driving me nuts".
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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender looks at him and says "gee, that looks uncomfortable"
The man replies "bloody oath, its driving me nuts".
There's this little lad called James. As a kid he was obsessed with tractors, had his room decorated with posters, wallpaper, bedspread, toys, the lot. His love never really went away so when he was older, his parents thought it'd be a good idea to take him to a farm to actually drive one for his birthday. Obviously he was stupidly excited weeks beforehand, and when the day finally came, he took to it like a natural, biggest grin on his face ever. Until he turned to wave to his parents and veered into a ditch. The weight of the tractor badly broke his legs and James spent an age recovering, slowly losing his love for tractors until he was completely rid of all traces. Cut to a few years later, he's in his late teens out at a bar getting on really well with this girl. Only problem is, she couldn't stand the smoke in the bar. Not wanting to lose his chance, James stood up, took a deep breath, inhaled all the smoke in the room, walked to the door, and blew it outside.
'How the hell did you do that?' asked his prospective lass.
'I'm an ex-tractor fan' he replied.
A large plane crashed on a property north of Geraldton. The local police constable mobilised a team and they eventually arrived at the farm. By that time, the aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned out fuselage left smouldering in a tree line bordering the farm.
The constable and his men entered the crash site, but could find no remains of anyone. Then they spotted the farmer ploughing a field not far away, as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"John" the constable yelled, out of breath. "Did you see this terrible plane crash happen?" "Yep, sure did" the farmer mumbled as he cut the tractor's engine. "Do you realise THAT was the Prime Minister's 737?" "Yep".
"Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They all got killed straight out". The farmer answered. "Buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning".
"The Prime Minister is DEAD?" The constable asked.
"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor "he kept saying he wasn't. But you know what a lying bastard he is!"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex". After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Two cowboys are out in the woods rounding up cattle. They stop to cook some lunch when Tex decides he needs to pee. He ambles off a short distance and starts to do his business, peeing over a fallen log. On the log, a rattlesnake had been sunning himself and, of course, didn't take kindly to the bath he got. So the snake up and bit the cowboy on his 'Johnson'. Now Tex didn't like being bit there very well and started to scream bloody murder. His friend Rex came running to see what the commotion was all about.
Rex asked Tex what happened and was quickly told the details "What kind of medical treatment is used?" asked Tex. "I don't know, but I do remember hearing that you should stay still and be clam. I'll ride to town and get the Doc or find out what to do".
So Rex rode to town, not sparing the horse, pulling up to the Doctor's office in a cloud of dust, ran in and told the Doc a rattler had bit Tex, but not any of the details.
"What needs to be done Doc, can you come out and take care of Tex?" "Mrs Ryan is about to have her baby so I can't come. But here's what needs to be done. You make a cut with this scalpel in the shape of an X by the fang mark, then you have to suck all the poison out". "Say, Doc, what happens if this ain't done?" asked Rex. "It's very likely that Rex could die" said the Doc.
Rex rode back to Tex in not as fast a trip and found him lying in the shade not feeling too well.
"WHAT DID THE DOC SAY? Tex hollered seeing Rex looking rather distraught. "Well... he said you gonna die, ol' boy!"
A Russian guy is entering Canada. He's at the customs counter. Customs agent looks at his passport and asks "Nationality?" "Russian" "Occupation?" ""No, just visiting".
--
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied "Of course they were cleaned Father". "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells "Here Soap! Here Water!"
--
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's got a nice pair of tits too!"
--
Little Thomas comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks "Well, what did you learn today?" Thomas replies "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow".
hahaha keep it coming
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick". Five minutes later he said "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late". A moment later "Err... sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected". One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night?"
--
"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. "Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in laundry detergent..." "Fred" said the teacher. "You must have known that detergent is bad for parrots...?" "Oh it wasn't the detergent that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier".
--
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh..." the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me"
A robot walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sorry, we don't serve robots here," the bartender says. The robot looks at him a long moment and says, "Oh, but soon you will."
- catt
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class brat, gets up and says "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious!"
--
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". To which the gentleman said "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A guy walks into a bar and notices a framed picture of a cat hanging behind the bar. "What happened to the picture of Buddha you used to have hanging back there?" he asks the bartender. The bartender replies, "That was Zen, this is Meow."
- catt
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's that crap all over your arm?" the bartender asks. "I went to a temporary tattoo parlor and got a tattoo yesterday," the guy says. "This morning it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor was gone."
- another great one from catt on le facebook. Easily the greatest bar joke writer of our generation
lol is there a source for this?Quote:
Originally Posted by Landro
http://imgur.com/gallery/ZdRjryxQuote:
Originally Posted by goodz
err i meant any kind of context to where it is coming from or if it was staged or actually happened :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Landro
A guy walks into a bar carrying a girl on his back on Halloween and orders a beer. "Sorry guy, this is a costume-only night, I can't serve you," the bartender says. "But I'm wearing a costume. I'm going as a snail," the guy says. "What's up with the girl on your back?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "That's Michelle."
probably staged according to one of the commentsQuote:
Originally Posted by goodz
http://31.media.tumblr.com/a4c37f0e5...v4lo1_1280.jpgQuote:
A guy walks into a bar carrying a girl on his back on Halloween and orders a beer. "Sorry guy, this is a costume-only night, I can't serve you," the bartender says. "But I'm wearing a costume. I'm going as a snail," the guy says. "What's up with the girl on your back?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "That's Michelle."
your pictures are ruining the joke thread.
So that means its time to post more jokes...
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "Fill it up, please". The attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey buddy" says the attendant to the driver "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something". The motorist agrees to do so. The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?" The driver says "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach".
--
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch". "But I'm not pregnant" she says. "Well you're not out of the ditch yet" he says.
--
A man in a restaurant orders the house special. The waitress brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waitress has her thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the waitress, he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When she brings the main course her thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waitress why she has her thumb in all his hot food. The waitress says "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm". The customer says "why don't you stick it up your arse!" And the waitress says "I do that in the kitchen!
--
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled by. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome. How you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Err... just a woman I met professionally" replied the doctor. "Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How are you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Well my kleptomania keeps flaring up, but it's okay," the guy replies. "When it starts getting too bad I just take something for it."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I walked into a video store today and said I wanted to rent 'Batman Forever,' " he tells the bartender. "But the clerk said, no I had to bring it back in 2 days." "What's a video store?" the bartender asks.
-catt
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand". "So" says the second drunk "What's your point?" "Well" says the first "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Ok.... and this is one of my all time favourite jokes of all time......
This is a bricklayer's report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information.
In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
yet another gem written by the great catt
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That's an unusual belt you have on," the bartender remarks. "Thanks, I made it myself completely out of cardboard," the guy replies. "Looks like a waist of paper to me," the bartender says.
An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".
Sure enough, two marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"
So the Army guy responds, "thats the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read."
The other Marine growles, "What did you say!?!"
The Army guy responds, "Thats the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear."
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender askes what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, "Thats the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."
Game Review of Chess
The latest offering in the rapidly overflowing strategy genre is hard evidence that strategy games need a real overhaul, and fast. Chess, a small-scale tactical turn-based strategy game, attempts to adopt the age-old "easy to learn, difficult to master" parameter made popular by Tetris. But the game's cumbersome play mechanics and superficial depth and detail all add up to a game that won't keep you busy for long.
Chess casts you as king of a small country at war with a rival country of equivalent military power. There is little background story to speak of, and by and large the units in the game are utterly lacking any character whatsoever. The faceless, nondescript units are dubbed arbitrarily such labels as "Knight" and "Bishop" while their appearance reveals nothing to suggest these roles. To make matters worse, the units on both playable sides are entirely identical aside from a simple color palette swap.
The setting of the conflict is equally uninspiring and consists merely of a two-color grid so as to represent the two warring factions. Adding insult to injury, there is only one available map - and it's pathetically small, an 8x8 matrix (Red Alert maps are up to 128x128 in size). The lack of more expansive battlefields makes Chess feel like little more than an over-glorified Minesweeper.
In a definite nod to Tetris, Chess eschews any kind of personality and styling in order to emphasize its supposedly addictive gameplay. Unfortunately, that gameplay is severely lacking. For one thing, there are only six units in the game. Of those six, two are practically worthless while one is an overpowered "god" unit, the Queen. She's your typical Lara Croft-esque 1990s "me, too" attempt to attract the fabled gaming girl audience from out of the woodwork to help solidify a customer base for a game that simply cannot sell itself on its own merits. The Queen can attack in any direction and she is balanced solely by the fact that both sides are equally equipped with only one. Otherwise, the functions of the six Chess units feel entirely arbitrary. For instance, Rooks can only move in horizontal lines, unable to attack enemies at diagonal angles; yet Bishops can move diagonally, but not horizontally.
The result is a frustratingly unrealistic effort at creating balance and strategy where there is, in fact, very little of either element to be found. Inexplicable pathing problems also plague Chess - the irritating Pawns can only move straight ahead, but for some reason or other they attack diagonally. Worst of all, your units are always deployed in exactly the same fashion. While there might have been some strategic element involved in cleverly deploying one's troops around the undeniably constricted map, the designers saw fit to enforce a "rule" about how the game should be set up. In the end, Chess matches may often go on for a great length of time because your Pawns always begin in front of your more useful forces, thereby blocking them off.
Only two players can compete simultaneously, thus severely limiting any play life to be found. There is only one gameplay mode - no capture the flag or team play - and that involves the two players taking turns moving their units one by one. The moment a player's King is threatened, that player is placed in a state of "check." At this point, the player must defend his King with whatever means are available. If he cannot defend his King, he is defeated. Yawn. All units are killed by a single hit, so even a lowly Pawn can be instrumental in defeating an opponent if you plan accordingly. While the artificial balance of forcing equivalent deployment for both sides turns Chess into something of a battle of wits, the turn-based play is poorly paced and never really picks up speed until halfway through a game, if then. And half the time, because of the limited troops available (and no resources with which to purchase more), matches end in disappointing stalemates.
This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical play mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp and exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings. In fact, should you actually memorize all the infuriating little rules governing how the game is played, you'll find yourself growing weary of it all in short order. There's just no payoff to a properly executed game, because the restrictions on the units mean there's a "right" way to play. Thus no real variety can exist between competent players. The sluggish turn-based nature of Chess bogs the package still further and renders this strategy game an irreverent exercise in wasted time for all but the most die-hard turn-based strategy enthusiasts. It's more than likely that Chess, due to its self-conscious though not entirely elegant simplicity, will garner a small handful of fans. But in light of this game's boundless oversights and limitations, there is no chance it could ever enjoy the sort of success that makes games like Westwood's C&C: Red Alert and Blizzard's Warcraft II the classics they are to this day.
A couple was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said "Whadaya say we try that African string-and-weight procedure?" Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our tribal experiment coming?" "Well, it looks like we're half-way there" he replied. "You've grown to 12 inches??" she said, astonished. "No. It's turned black" he answered.
A farmer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Thought I had 196 cows out in the pasture," he tells the bartender. "But when I rounded them up, I had 200."
ala catt
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature".
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you have seen a lot of action". "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action".
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself". The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am".
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955". The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch "I hope not; it's only 2130 now".
STUPID QUESTIONS ONLY ANNOYING PEOPLE WOULD ASK
-Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
-Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
-Why are there dents in a golf ball?
-How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
-How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
-If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
-When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence?
-If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
-What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?
-If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
-Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
-If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
-If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?
-If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to 'member' somebody in order to remember them?
-How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
-In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
-Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
-Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
-If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
-Is there another word for a synonym?
-If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
-Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
-Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
-Where do swear words come from?
-If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
-Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
-If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
-Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
-If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
-Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
-What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
-Why do people use the word 'irregardless'?
-What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
-Why do some people type 'cool' as 'kewl?'
-Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
-When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
-Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
-What do mermaids eat?
-Why does 'cleave' mean both split apart and stick together?
-If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
-Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
-If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
-Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
-If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
-Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolise two women living under one roof?
-Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
-Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
-If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
-Why doesn't 'onomatopoeia' sound like what it is?
-If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right of way?
-Why don't we say 'why' instead of 'how come'?
-Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
-Why is 'crazy man' an insult, while to insert a comma and say 'Crazy, man!' is a compliment?
-Are there female leprechauns?
-Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
-Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
-Why is abbreviation such a long word?
-Do fish sleep?
-Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
-Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster than the speed of light?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
-Isn't it scary that the word 'therapist' is the same as the words 'the' and 'rapist' put together?
-Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
-Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
-Why is it that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?
-On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
-Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
-Do pigs pull ham strings?
-Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
-Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-Why do radio operators say 'niner' instead of just "nine"?
-Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
-Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
-Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
-Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
-Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a 'time' clock? Aren't all clocks 'time' clocks?
-Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
-Can dogs have dog days?
-When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
-If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
-Do birds pee?
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
-Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
-What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
-If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
-Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
-If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counter clockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere... which way does it spin at the equator?
-If you own a piece of land and there is a volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
-If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
-If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
-Why does 'closing up' a shop and 'closing down' a shop mean the same thing?
-Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
-How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?
-Have ex-drycleaners become depressed?
-How do you throw away a garbage can?
-Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the USA & Canada?
-Why do old men have hair in their ears?
-Why are things typed up but written down?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
-If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
-If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
-What does OK actually mean?
-What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
-Why do we feel blue? And what colour does a smurf feel when they are down?
-Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
-If one man says 'it was an uphill battle,' and another says 'it went downhill from there,' how could they both be having troubles?
-Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
-Why do we say 'bye bye' but not 'hi hi'?
-Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-Why do they call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
-Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
-If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
-If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
An Indian and a Chinese entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Chinese stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Chinese said to the Indian "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that!"
The Indian replied "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing".
So they went to the counter and the Indian said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied "Yes". The Indian said "Give me one chocolate bar". The shopkeeper gave him one and he ate it. The Indian asked for a second bar and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The Indian replied "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate".
Courtesy of....
The Riffraff in (XX:XX) - posted in the war forums....
On the fourth leg of an all South America trek, an American, a Norwegian, and a Japanese were captured by a tribe of head hunters. Quickly, their weapons, their clothes, and their other belongings were stripped and the three men were tied hand and foot in front of a boiling pot of water.
"Gentlemen," said the tribes leader, a naked man with a stick in his lips and a full body mud tattoo. "Welcome to your last day on this earth! As you no doubt know, we are headhunters and cannibals- savages as you no doubt call us."
He paced up and down before the three men, pulling at the stick. "But, we are not savages as you suppose. No, we are sophisticates. Your skin we will use for our canoes, your bones for our tools, and your flesh for our meat. We mean no disrespect."
"In fact," he added with a wag of his balls, "we mean to grant you a final wish- you may choose how you die. Name any weapon, any at all and my men will do their best to procure it for you."
The three prisoners conferred, necessarily taking longer than necessary. Their lives they wished to prolong.
"Gentlemen," said the leader again, grandiosely waving his well-muscled arms. As he spoke, the muscles of his arms writhes angrily. The three prisoners could not tell if it was the muscles, or if it was the tattoos. They gulped their last gulps.
With that, the leader stepped lightly up to the American. "The time has come. Make your choice and say goodbye to this world. Remember that we are sophisticates, that we will use your skin for our canoes, your bones for our tools, and your flesh for our meat. We mean no disrespect."
"Give me an M16," said the American.
After a few seconds' deliberation, three small boys wearing crocodile heads marched out with a freshly polished M16. They leaned it up against the American and looped his toe in the trigger guard.
"Any last words," asked the leader with a wag of his balls.
"God bless America!" yelled the American with a click of his toes. Blam! His head went clean off. The camp is showered red and white. The Norwegian and Japanese turn blue.
Similarly, the leader approached the Japanese man. "And what shall it be for you? Remember that we are sophisticates, that we will use your skin for our canoes, your bones for our tools, and your flesh for our meat. We mean no disrespect."
"A samurai sword."
The leader nodded. Out came the three boys again. Carefully, they loosed the Japanese man's ropes just enough and propped him, throat-first, against the sword. Between the thumb and baby finger of his left hand they placed a small fishing knife.
With a tug of the knife, the Japanese yelled: "Banzai!" and slid, throat first, to the hilt. Its many-times folded blade dripped red.
Impressed with their bravery, the tribe leader clapped. Finally, he came to the Norwegian, and bowed. "What shall it be for you dear sir?"
"Give me a fork," said the Norwegian. "And I want to be free to do it myself."
The leader squinted and pulled at his distended lip. "As we are sophisticates, we will honour your request. Your skin we will use for our canoes, your bones for our tools, and your flesh for our meat. We mean no disrespect."
"Yeah," said the Norwegian, "**** you and your canoes!"
With that, he took the fork and plunged it again and again into his body, yelling fainter and fainter all the time, "Screw your canoe!"
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law! One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
lmao this one is brilliant. Keep posting these, I love them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Landro
LOL - great post.....
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems) "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.
She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.
On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying "Read it, read it, read it..."
I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall: "We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want $200,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call". They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.
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Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
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One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops In front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the Rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water".
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Nursery school teacher says to her class "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue". Teacher says "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange..." Second little boy says "Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown". Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!" "Okay then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."