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Krozair's Krackup's
Cause even forums should be fun.....
Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".
The philosopher then stepped up "Okay give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole". And the idiot went to Heaven.
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ok peoples...feel free to add your own as well....
Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a much-needed break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?"she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged ?5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still ?5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer
She asked me to give you your ?15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
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ALCOHOROSCOPES
If you have finished relating your birth signs to ANIMALS, BIRDS, FRUITS, COLOURS, NUMBERS and what not, here is something FAR MORE relevant. Based on your Sunsigns, Alcohoroscopes explains your expected behaviour AFTER YOU GET DRUNK!
ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you - so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaller- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI: Gemini's can drink without changing their behaviour much - they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker - and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists - and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get 'tired and emotional' (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance - they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue - and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure - but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked - but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, 'I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.' A toast to the sub genius IQ!
LIBRA: 'I'm jusht a social drinker,' slurs Libra, 'it's jusht that I'm so damn social?' Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to 'on') or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them
seethe sauce as something to savour in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything - especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas - and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else - like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook-up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative - and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase 'addictive personality' can be read two ways, you know...
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LOL, always the best part about warring you guys Krozair.
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story.
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The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were 'bad' words. Among those initiated to the category was 'suck' (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it". "It's okay to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it". "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it". "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with '****'".
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what no one else have any jokes 2 share.....? Apart from Grunkz that is...
A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin". The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity". Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting".
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@Palem...lol
A contractor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a Truck comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the contractor grabs his cell phone and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the contractor starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the contractor finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody contractors are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the contractor.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The contractor looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex?!"
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I got home from the pub last night completely pissed but horny as a goat. There was a quick lecture from the wife about coming home drunk, but she eventually lay down on the bed and spread her legs. After a few minutes, I could feel it starting to come. "OK babe" I said, pulling out "it's coming. Do you want it on the belly or on the face?" "What? You come home completely pissed up and now you want all this perverted stuff?" "Come on, babe" I said. "Belly or face?" "Face" she said. So that's where I puked.
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MORE THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
-The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
-You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
-If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
-Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
-Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.
-A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
-It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
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First-year students at the vet school were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body".
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold". "I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married".
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good" she replied "Get your own ****ing blanket".
After a moment of silence... he farted.
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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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Pom’s diary of living in Mt Isa!!
*August 31st*
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mt Isa, Queensland, now this is a town that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place!
I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here
September 13th:*
Really heating up.
Got to 35 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
*September 30th:*
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today
Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
*October 10th*
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
*October 15th:*
Fell asleep by the pool.
Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work.
What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
*October 20th:*
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat ****.
I learned my lesson though.
No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:*
The wind sux,
It feels like a giant ****in'blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
*October 30th:*
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?
*November 4th:*
It's 38 degrees.
Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid ****in' place.
*November 8th:*
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?"
I'm going to ****in'throttle him.
****in' heat!
By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in' wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
*November 9th:*
Tried to run some messages after work.
Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ****in' arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****in' arse.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
*November 10th:*
The weather report might as well be a ****in' recording.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny.
Hot and ****in' sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place?
Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the ****in' pool.
Even the palms can't live in this ****in' heat.
*November 14th:*
Welcome to HELL!!!
Temperature got to 41 today.
Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid ****er.
****in'Mt Isa!
What kind of a sick demented ****in' idiot would want to live here?
*December 1st:*
WHAT?????
This is the first day of Summer????
You are ****in' kiddin!!!
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How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
You know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snow blower was coming down the block.
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Nice, getting better! :-)
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What's yellow and screams?
A busload of schoolkids going over a cliff.
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@scorpio....and that is your idea of better....
There are 3 dogs in a veterinarian clinic: a Poodle, a Chihuahua, and a Great Dane.
The poodle asks the Chihuahua," What are you in here for?" The Chihuahua says," Well usually I’m a good dog...but I have a huge problem with my mail man. I don’t know why, I just always have to bite him, and I gave him a serious injury. So... they’re going to put me to sleep today. What are you here for?" he asks the poodle.
The poodle says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but my owners son always sticks his finger in my food while I'm eating. And when he does that...I just got to bite him I don’t know why. And I really hurt him. So there going to put me to sleep today."
The two dogs look at the Great Dane, and the Great Dane is like 20 times bigger than them. And they ask," DAMN MAN!!! What are you in here for? You never see Great Danes in the pound." And the Great Dane says," Awwww, you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you." And they said, "JUST TELL US!"
So the Great Dane says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but you see I have like the hottest owner in the world. She’s a beautiful woman with a HOT RACK and SEXY ASS. One day when she got out of the shower, she bent over to get a towel. When she did, I totally lost all self-control. So I mounted her and started GOING AT IT!!!"
The two dogs say, "DAMN MAN!!! So they’re going to put you to sleep too huh???” And the Great Dane replies, "HELL NO, I'M JUST HERE TO GET MY NAILS TRIMMED!"
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That's one of my best jokes.
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Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Australian wife Cheryl replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my first guess."
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i enjoy these Krozair. never, ever, stop.
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Thx :) Good to know one or two people are reading them.....
THE COSTA CONCORDIA
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
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Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".
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All good stuff like usual Krozair.
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Thx :)
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who did I miss?”
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of20an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"
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I was sitting with my blonde girlfriend on the couch when she said "I think my boobs are too small. I'm going to get a boob job". I replied saying, "I think my hands are too small". She asked "Do you want a hand job?" Yup, she's a keeper.
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A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies "No, because she is in heat". "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, can I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you". Dad said "Bring Belle over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "Okay you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block".
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked "Where's Belle?" The little girl said "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home".
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I am waiting eager for more Krozair. They're hilarious, or most of then are anyway ^_^