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Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".
I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends. She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it. She smiled and winked. Two minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs.
People have always named their children after expensive things - Mercedes, Dior, Chardonny etc. Next year watch out for Electricity, Food and Petrol
ttt
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week" one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well, it's not a law really" the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate".
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying “Tree fellers” wanted. Murphy said to Pat, said, ‘If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.’
Putting the washing into the machine this morning I cut my hand on the wire from the wife's bra.
Figured it is some sort of booby trap.
Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice"
Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead". His workmates said "Holy hell, Paddy, what happened?" Paddy said "His parachute didn't open!"
My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now and she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early the other day to found her dressed in her assistant magician's little sexy outfit. She said "Abracadabra" and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave must have wondered what was going on!
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". The husband replies "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
wo IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate" says the first IT guy "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special". "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop? What is it?" "It's a Razer Blade 17, i9, with 32Gb of RAM, GeForce video card and..."
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Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming. My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls' toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No" he said "I would rather have him teaching year 5 Geography that he is employed to do..."
Man walks into a bookstore and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with a really small penis?" Girl says "I don't think it's in yet". He replies "Yes, that's the one!"