Page 48 of 48 FirstFirst ... 38464748
Results 706 to 717 of 717

Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #706
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
    She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
    On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
    As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
    "About 35,"he replied.
    "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
    After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
    He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
    "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
    While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
    He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
    There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
    After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
    Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
    The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #707
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband" she replied. "Damn, I better get going then" the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax" said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #708
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    "I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #709
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh*t".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #710
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #711
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth". "It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age" said the bartender, sympathetically. "I only wish it was that" answered Dave "but it's much worse. "He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant". "That's impossible!" gasped the bartender. "No, it's not". Said Dave. "The little **** stuck a pin in all my condoms"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #712
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong, why are you so down today?". The man says "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender says "So, you are sad because you will miss having her to talk to?" The man said "No - I'm sad because the month is up tonight".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #713
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    One of my favourites - although a little long and I am some words WILL be censored




    Dear Santa,
    How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an Xbox One with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
    Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
    --
    Dear Timmy,
    Thank you for your letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
    Merry Christmas, Santa Claus
    --
    Mr Claus,
    Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
    Respectfully, Tim Jones
    --
    Mr Jones,
    While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry-bin most days.
    Very Truly Yours, S Claus
    --
    Now look here Fat Man,
    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
    T-Bone
    --
    Listen Pizza Face,
    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
    S Clizzy
    --
    Dear Santa,
    Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
    Timmy
    --
    Timmy,
    That's what I thought you little c*nt.
    Santa
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #714
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. "How are you mate?" "Yeah I'm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing". I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said "Your dads sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond "Get away with ya... Prove it".
    I shouted downstairs "Hey, mate! Both of them?"
    He shouted back "Of course both of them! What's the point in f*cking one?"
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #715
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the unsympathetic driver told him to get the f*ck out of his cab.

    He had no choice but to walk all the way to the airport.

    Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

    So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says "Get the f*ck out of my cab".

    So, he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the f*ck out of his cab.

    He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go!"

    And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #716
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier "Why did you join the army?" Second Soldier "I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So, I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?"
    First Soldier "I had a wife and I loved peace. So, I joined".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #717
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    879
    A bloke calls his wife from the emergency department. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works. "Oh my God!" cries the wife "The whole finger?" "No" replies the bloke "The one next to it".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •