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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #691
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    Its 1972. The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son" said the priest.
    "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her".
    "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess" said the priest.
    "It's worse than that, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours" continued the old man.
    "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly" said the priest.
    "Thanks, Father" said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind".
    "Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son" said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #692
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    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week".
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week". The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week". The MP was very happy and left the shop
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, ladies and gentlemen, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #693
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    The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the smartass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own". The waitress replied "In that case sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu"...
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #694
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    Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
    The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
    So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
    Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
    The dad replied "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
    The boy answered "Yes". Then he thought a moment and said "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
    The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #695
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    Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".
    At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
    Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".
    Everybody agreed to this plan.
    Next day. Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita".
    Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
    Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thankyou, Suzie!"
    At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
    Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".
    All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
    Little Johnny says "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #696
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    A Kungfu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated".
    And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have".
    "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it".
    "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon".
    "That is the problem. You keep watching all this **** instead of training".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #697
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    White Wolf - Yes it is me :)



    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone".
    Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the guy and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist interjected "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket".
    "Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook".
    He continued "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
    She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honestly mate, all I did was tell her!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #698
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    The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that: North American, Australian, New Zealander and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #699
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    An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
    The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil. Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes".
    The Frenchman said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight!"
    The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours".
    The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked "Two full hours? ... wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"
    The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #700
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    I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
    Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding it over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
    I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
    My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
    By this time the wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
    I then stopped abruptly, went "Aaaaaaah!" and rolled over to my side of the bed.
    "Why are you stopping?" she whispered. "Found the remote" I said.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #701
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    "Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room". "Thanks Grandad!" "Why did you call me Grandad?" "Because I couldn't find them before I went out last night".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #702
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    A taxpayer received a strongly worded 'second notice' that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh" confided the collector with a smile "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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