Page 50 of 50 FirstFirst ... 40484950
Results 736 to 742 of 742

Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #736
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.

    After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.

    Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.

    I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.

    Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.

    I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.

    Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.

    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.

    So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.

    Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.

    After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.

    SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #737
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mum' and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry" she said "I'll take care of it". A few minutes later, the cell phone beeped. It was a text message from 'Mum'. "Martin" it read "you left your cell phone at the convenience store".
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #738
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks "Is that you, little Franky Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is". "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation".
    "Well, Franky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say". "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell". "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her". "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed". "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you".
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped and I admire that". "But you've sinned and have to atone". "You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months". "Now you go and behave yourself".
    Franky walks back to his pew, and his friend Joey slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "Four months' vacation and five good leads!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #739
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    -
    A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #740
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    HAIR: THE FEMALE VERSION
    WOMAN #1: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!

    WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?

    WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.

    WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.

    WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.

    WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

    HAIR: THE MALE VERSION
    MAN #1: Haircut?

    MAN #2: Yeah.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #741
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    I phoned my workplace in Scotland this morning and said "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough". He said "You have a wee cough?" I said "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #742
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    904
    THIS is one of my all time favourites...enjoy...



    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.

    You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

    Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •