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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #646
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".

    The captain says "You're new here, aren't you?

    This is Air Force One".
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  2. #647
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    -A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
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  3. #648
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
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  4. #649
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    A man accidentally finds the Utopia forum & decides to have a look, when he gets to the sign in page he is presented with the dumbest and most ridiculous secret question in the history of secret questions. Luckily, this man (having no idea that the question was game related) is smarter than the average forum Moderator, so, he simply guessed that it was avian and proceeded to sign up just so he could tell the site owner/ mod or whoever that he is the king of all stooges for using such a lame dumb-ass secret question.
    This man then proceeded to leave the Utopia forum never to return.

  5. #650
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit terms.
    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
    When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
    Officer responds "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir". Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes sir?" Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"
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  6. #651
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...
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  7. #652
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    My girlfriend is a real screamer, if you know what I mean. You should hear her... especially when she walks in on me and the woman from next door.
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
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