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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #751
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    A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #752
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    A MAN'S AGE AS DETERMINED BY A TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE
    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realise you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following...
    IN YOUR 20'S
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
    IN YOUR 30'S
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
    IN YOUR 40'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the ha5rdware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleav [although it doesn't stop you].
    IN YOUR 50'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms".
    IN YOUR 60'S
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
    IN YOUR 70'S
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
    IN YOUR 80'S
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
    IN YOUR 90'S & BEYOND
    What's a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #753
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    Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #754
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    I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #755
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    There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #756
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    Day 19 of the quarantine. My wife called out from the living room and said "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?" I said "no". She replied "How about now?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #757
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    While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #758
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    A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #759
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    I was offered sex from a beautiful 21-year-old chick today. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook wall. Of course, I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is just as strong as AJAX. The super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon scent and vanilla.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #760
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    A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered". When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed "Not this time".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #761
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    An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote "No". The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #762
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    AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS
    The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

    "Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.

    Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

    The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
    Typically, it is unique in this.

    The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

    Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

    A stick is very useful for this task.

    The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
    A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.

    The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.
    Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

    More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

    About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.

    Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

    There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
    a beach sunset is worth the risk.

    As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
    Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

    TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
    Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

    The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

    Always carry a stick.

    Air-conditioning is imperative.


    Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
    Wear thick socks.

    Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

    If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

    Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

    HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
    They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

    They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

    They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

    Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
    How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

    They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

    They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

    And they all carry a stick.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #763
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    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #764
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    A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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