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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #796
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #797
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    An emergency call was made to the local police station. "Come quickly" gasped the voice "a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster". "We'll be right there" said the desk sergeant. "May I ask who's talking?" "It's me, the burglar, come quick!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #798
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    So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancÚ". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #799
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    A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #800
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    At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #801
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    My gorgeous next-door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?" I said "Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red". After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" She said "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #802
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    "What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year. "He's a magician" said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?" "Sawing people in half". "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #803
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    A little boy runs home from school crying.

    His mum asked "What's wrong my boy?" Sobbing he told his mother that the kids in his class were making fun of him because he didn't know what a penis was. His mum said "Son, wait for your dad to get out of the shower and he will explain it all to you".

    Having finished with the shower and been told by the boy's mother he drops his robe in front of the boy as he entered the room.

    "Son, mum told me about your day. This is a penis; in fact this is a PERFECT penis".

    The boy understood.

    The next day at school the children again taunted him for not knowing what a penis was. This made him smile as he said he knew what a penis was and could prove it. With that he pulled out his penis from his trousers and said "This is a penis, in fact if it was three inches shorter it would be a PERFECT penis".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #804
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    I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you". Friend: "Okay shoot".
    Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno". Me: "A bat.
    Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?" Friend: "I dunno". *CLICK
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #805
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    NINE IMPORTANT FACTS TO REMEMBER AS WE GROW OLDER

    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
    #8 Life is sexually transmitted.
    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
    #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow...
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #806
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    test

  12. #807
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    A kung fu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated". And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have". "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it". "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon". "That is the problem. You keep watching all this crap instead of training".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #808
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    A businesswoman was taking a trip to Italy. While she was packing to go, her husband says "Gonna be in Italy for a week huh? You gonna bring one of those sexy Italian girls back for me" and kind of giggles. His wife doesn't say anything. When he took her to the airport, again he says, kind of jokingly "man those Italian girls are gorgeous, your bringing one home for me right?" Then he kind of laughs it off again. The wife goes to Italy for a week. She gets home before her husband. When he comes home says hello, gives her a kiss. Jokingly he asks "Did you bring back that Italian girl I asked for??" His wife says "I don't know. We'll have to wait nine months and see".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #809
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    I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion. They told me steps had been put in place.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #810
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    It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor" testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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