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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #676
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique". replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly". "This is certainly most helpful" said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it". "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry".
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  2. #677
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
    ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
    AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
    BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
    BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
    CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
    CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
    DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
    ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
    EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
    GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
    HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
    HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
    CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
    LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
    PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
    PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
    WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
    VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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  3. #678
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen. "But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money. We will replace the car with another". The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".
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  4. #679
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother".
    --
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  5. #680
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    A Dwarf Province is readying for an attack, as the troops are preparing - two of them are in a conversation...

    Warrior. "Are you coming on the attack?"

    Axemen. "No, i cant ..."

    The Warrior frowns at his comrade and asks. "Why is that?"

    Axeman. "Im too def."
    Last edited by .:. The Moon .:.; 23-02-2019 at 07:28. Reason: Dwarf High King Thorgrim Grudgebearers orders!

  6. #681
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license.
    The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
    Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father.

    "Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the f*cking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
    --
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  7. #682
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    --
    I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. ****... I really need to get off this f*cking boat before it sinks.
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  8. #683
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
    --
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