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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #631
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    @Rattlehead Nope.... it doesnt

    But THIS does

    Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".
    His buddy said "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did.
    The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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  2. #632
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    I said to my neighbour "Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?" With a disbelieving look he said "Are you sure?" "Yes" I said "and I've got loads of pictures to prove it".
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  3. #633
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Did you know I was once a karate instructor?
    Well, at least I was, until the parents found out I didn't have any qualifications and just enjoyed kicking kids all day

  4. #634
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said "No. You'll have to do that yourself".
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  5. #635
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  6. #636
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

    Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".

    With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

    The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful" he said. The blonde puts her driver away and says "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little".

    After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly". The blonde frowns and says "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt".

    After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

    The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive".

    Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

    When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night".

    The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup".

    The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup".

    The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

    Remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
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  7. #637
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Teacher asks her class if any of them can give her a sentence using the word 'contagious'. Up goes Susie's hand....Daddy had the flu and Mummy said to keep away from him cause it is contagious. Teacher says very good Susie. Little Johnny's hand goes up. Teacher dreads this but no one else raises a hand. OK Johnny....I asked Mummy how long Daddy would be out fishing and she said it would take the contagious.
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  8. #638
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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  9. #639
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    An older, white haired, Crocodile hunter from Northern Australia, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said "No, I'd like to see something a little more special".

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated "By cheque. Now I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon".

    On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account!"

    "I know" said the old man

    "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
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  10. #640
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range" he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman" the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says "I'm a lollipop salesman".
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  11. #641
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"
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  12. #642
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    "Cash or card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No" she replied "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".
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  13. #643
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny" she said "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it" he responded proudly. "Well, that doesn't matter" explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means". "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start".
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  14. #644
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Enjoy some of the weirdness of Buni (www.bunicomic.com)




















  15. #645
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Sorry its been a while people - been on holidays


    Here are a few to make up

    A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
    She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
    On the back nine he got lost again.
    He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
    She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
    Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
    When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
    As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
    She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
    He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
    She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".


    *********************************

    BOY: [calls 911] "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "All right, what is it?" BOY: "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911: "So what's your emergency?" BOY: "The ugly one is winning".

    ********************************


    From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that".


    **************************************************

    The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity. "Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!" "Play your cards right, dear, and you will" she murmured.
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