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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #721
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    FUNNY AND CLEVER CLASSIFIED ADS
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER - 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES - 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog

    FREE PUPPIES - Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED - Also 1 gay bull for sale

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY! - Must sell washer and dryer 100

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE - Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

    FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

    CLOTHES WASHER $100 - Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed

    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE - Only used on snowy days

    FREE PUPPIES - Part German shepherd - part dog

    TWO WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES - 1 x 5-finger, 1 x 3-finger, PAIR: $15

    TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX - Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

    83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

    STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

    GERMAN SHEPHERD - Female. 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

    FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell

    FREE CAN OF PORK & BEANS - With purchase of 3 br 2 bath home

    FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

    NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used. Call Chubbie

    FREE: FARM KITTENS - Ready to eat

    AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - Pole included $100

    NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE - Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT - Queen size mattress & box springs -$175

    3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL - Experience preferred.

    FOR SALE - Three canaries of undermined sex.

    GREAT DAMES FOR SALE - Free to good home.

    WANTED: HAIR CUTTER - Excellent growth potential.

    LOST: SMALL APRICOT POODLE - Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    FOUR-POSTER BED - 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    DOG FOR SALE - Eats anything and is fond of children.

    WANTED - Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    WANTED - Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

    FOR SALE - Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


    PS - thx 4 the war 2:3
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #722
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #723
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Thx for the war 3:3


    John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Laxettes and instructed him to take the entire box all at once.

    The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Laxettes and told him to take it all at once".

    "Laxettes won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #724
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    C u later
    :-)

  5. #725
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    A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #726
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    I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.

    The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"

    So, the guy tells his story...

    "Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.

    "So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"

    "Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"

    "Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".

    "Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.

    "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"

    "What happened?" says barkeep.

    "There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"

    "Oh I see the problem" says the barman.

    "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".

    "Oh, that's bad".

    "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".

    "Oh no ... " says barman.

    "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"

    "Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.

    "Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a **** plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"

    "Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.

    "Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a **** sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #727
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    A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

    She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"

    With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip

    Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.

    After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed

    The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #728
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    Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here". Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great" his friend responded. "There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free". "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know" the dim fellow replied "but my wife goes there all the time".
    -
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #729
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    A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #730
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    A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.

    "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned". "What is your sin my child?" The priest asked kindly.

    "I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week". "You are forgiven" The priest told the man. "Go out and say three Hail Marys".

    The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.

    "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week". This time the priest had to ask. "Who is this Fanny Green person?" "She's new to the parish" was the reply.

    The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

    The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: "Is that Fanny Green?" "No sir" the altar-boy replied. "I think it's the reflection from her shoes!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #731
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    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
    After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
    His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".
    Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #732
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    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #733
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    I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #734
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    The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".

    The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

    A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".

    The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

    The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

    The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".

    To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #735
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    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

    Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

    So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".

    The man dated the first daughter.

    The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

    "Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

    So, the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"

    So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born.

    When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    "Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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