Krozair's Krackup's

[Champeau]

An elderly couple go to the doctors office. While they are waiting for the doctor a nurse tells the husband that she will need a urine sample, stool sample, and semen sample. The husband says, "WHAAT?" The wife replies, "Dear, they need your underwear."

[King.Yo]

k

k

[Krozair]

YAY other people posting jokes for ME to read :)


During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."




A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

[Krozair]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner". She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says "A hundred dollars". He says "All I got is thirty". She says "Hold on" and runs back to Harry and asks "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job" Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops a huge dick... like HUGE. She stares at it for a minute, and then says "I'll be right back". She runs back to Harry, and asks "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Krozair]

One day a blonde walks into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what happened. She says "Well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other". "The bastard called again!"

[Krozair]

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

[Landro]

I went to the supermarket today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 12 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[Krozair]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


--
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is" the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed". "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here".


For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"

[Vinho]

This is hands down one of the best threads I've ever encountered on any forum...

A few years ago I accidentally swallowed my watch..... I had to wait to pass the time.

[Attero]

One afternoon while at his weekly doctor visit a man tells his doctor "Doc, my wife has been complaining about my bad breath alot and I don't know what to do. I brush my teeth, floss and use mouth wash and I cannot seem to make it go away according to her. So the mans doctor say "Okay lets take some blood and urine samples and check so other signs that may indicate to me what is going on and when you return next week I will let you know"... So after many test the man returns the following week and bust into his doctors office "Doc what did you find he shouts!". The doctor says "well I figured it out and we can fix it all you have to do is quit scratching your ass or quit biting your finger nails!"

[Krozair]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[Krozair]

It was 1940 in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you put your ear to it, you will know what I mean. All it does is Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic all of the time Tic-Tic-Tic. It doesn't Toc".

"Okay, leave it viz me, I'll sort it out. Come back on Thursday when it will be ready for you".

The customer returned to the clock repair shop on the Thursday; went inside where he saw the SS Officer, and the mantel clock on the counter which had been repaired and was awaiting collection.

The customer said to the SS Officer "Oh, so you got it working then, how much do I owe you?" "Ten Deutsche Marks" said the SS Officer. The customer paid him, picked up the clock and started to walk out when he stopped and turned to the SS Officer and said "Out of curiosity, just how did you manage to get it going properly again?" To which the SS Officer replied "Vee had ways of making it TOC!"

[Landro]

[Landro]

[Krozair]

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand" she started off with one of the first applicants "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question". She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case". "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted "He sued me for the money".