Page 39 of 41 FirstFirst ... 293738394041 LastLast
Results 571 to 585 of 604

Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #571
    Moderator for:
    Utopia Forums

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    21,611
    What do a gynecologist and a restaurant waiter have in common?

    You can smell it, but you can't eat it.

  2. #572
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury. Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks. The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the afternoon headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  3. #573
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    A man was up a ladder and lost his balance falling backwards and hit his head.
    Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
    He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation after his accident.
    The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable "You may not feel anything from the waist down".
    Somehow he managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits then?"
    .....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  4. #574
    Two blonds were driving down to Disney World. While approaching their destination they saw a sign that said "Disney World Left", so they went home.

  5. #575
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    Thx 4 posting Acheter :)



    A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye? "Turns out we watch different movies".
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  6. #576
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  7. #577
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

    "I'd like some raisin bread, please". the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

    As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

    Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down those stairs.

    After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

    "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily. "No" croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch!"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  8. #578
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

    At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. I'm a diplomat! Leave it to me!"

    So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home".

    "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "OK, I'll tell him" says Pasquale.
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  9. #579
    The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received back. Here are the12 replies:

    -Who the hell is this?
    -Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    -Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
    -What now? Did you crash the car again?
    -I don't understand what you mean?
    -What the heck did you do now?
    -Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    -Am I dreaming?
    -If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    -I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    -Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

  10. #580
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,583
    Why was the blonde fired from the sperm bank?


  11. #581
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    Two guys are chatting at the bar. "So how was your holiday in Africa?" asks one. "Don't remind me" says the other "I very nearly got myself killed!" "What happened?" "Well, I was hiking in the Savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill it suddenly slipped and broke its leg". "Christ, man! I would have **** myself!" "I did. What the **** do you think the lion slipped on?"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

  12. #582
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,583
    Let's have some riddles

    You are in a room with 3 monkeys. One monkey has a banana, one has a stick, and one has nothing. Who is the smartest?


    Sam walked for thirty minutes in the pouring rain without getting a single hair on his head wet. He didn't have a hat or an umbrella and his coat had no hood. How did he do that?


    An old lady forgets her drivers license at home. She travels down a one way street the wrong way. She does not stop at stop signs, or stop for people crossing the road. A cop is watching her do this and he does not give her a ticket. Why didn't he give her a ticket?


    A man murders his wife with a knife in their car. Nobody is around to see this. He throws her out of the car being careful not to leave any fingerprints on her body. Next he throws the knife off of a cliff into a gorge where it will never be found and he goes home. An hour later the police call him and tell him that his wife has been murdered and he needs to come to the scene of the crime immediately. As soon as he arrives, he is arrested. How did they know he did it?


    A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?


    What doesn't get any wetter, no matter how much rain falls on it?


    I'm made for one but meant for two; I can be worn for many years but usually just a few; You won't ever need me unless you say you do. What am I?


    What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in?


    Take off my skin - I won't cry, but you will! What am I?


    What number do you get when you multiply all of the numbers on a telephone's number pad?

  13. #583
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,583
    You will know that I am coming From the jingle of my bell,
    But exactly who I am is not an easy thing to tell.

    Children, they adore me for they find me jolly,
    but I do not see them when the halls are decked with holly.

    My job often leaves me frozen, I am a man that all should know,
    But I do not do business in times of sleet or ice or snow.

    I travel much on business, But no reindeer haul me around,
    I do all my traveling firmly on the ground.

    I love the time of Christmas, But that's not my vocational season,
    And I assure that is because of a sound economic reason.


  14. #584
    Post Fiend Zombies are people too's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    245
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    -DM <3

  15. #585
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    778
    A budget surplus is when politicians can't decide on where to waste all our money.
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

    ALL AUSSIE UTOPIA KINGDOM
    http://forums.utopia-game.com/showth...ght=australian


    #AnzacPublic
    Speak to Krozair in IRC to find out more.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •