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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #826
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it. Then I got her a Bush Chook, she didn't like it... so I had it. It was the same with the Asahi and Peroni. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #827
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish" said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat". "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does". "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it". "Well, okay". After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked "By the way, how many have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth" he said.
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #828
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    I was in the pub a few months ago when these four huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the crap out of us!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #829
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    At the golf club at the weekend there was an unfortunate accident. Two ladies were enjoying a quiet game and had just teed off when one of the ladies was hit in the head with a wayward golf ball, somewhere between the first and second tee. An ambulance was called and, when the paramedic eventually arrived, he asked what had happened. The story was related to him and he asked "Where was she hit?" "Between the first and second hole" came the answer. The paramedic replied "Well, it's not going to leave much room for a bandage!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #830
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie... Hans down.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #831
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    We've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
    The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
    When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and here's the absolute best we can do:
    -free room and board,
    - 1/3 ownership in the store,
    -a company pickup car,
    -a king size bed and,
    -$6,000 a month in living expenses".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #832
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle" said the little boy.
    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said "Mister, you've got yourself a deal".
    The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said "I can't get this mower to start". The little boy said "That's because you have to swear at it to get it started".
    The preacher said "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to swear". The little boy looked at him happily and said "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #833
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer". I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #834
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    My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just wait!”
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #835
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    A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #836
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    After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #837
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    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
    "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #838
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    After spending 3.5 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash" she snapped. Then apologising for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!"
    "Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back there?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #839
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    I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #840
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    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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