RIDICULOUS EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN SICK

Ever found yourself desperately needing a day off work? Maybe you're too hungover or just cannot be bothered... all that stands in the way is a quick phone call to your boss with a cleverly thought up excuse. Basically like these below but, you know, believable...

-Employee's cervix was hurting. This excuse from a male employee.
-Employee's 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. Employee didn't want to report it to the police.
-Employee said that a hit man was looking for him.
-Employee was waxing his kitchen floor, and waxed himself into a corner. Apparently he had to stand there for an hour until the wax dried.
-Employee's sobriety device wouldn't allow his car to start.
-He had opened his bedroom window for some fresh air and set his alarm clock on the sill. A thunderstorm came through during the night and blew rain through the window, shorting out the alarm clock.
-Employee had headache after going to too many garage sales.
-Co-worker had a buddy who lived way out in the country and was on the waiting list for some kind of transplant. The medivac helicopter sent to pick the guy up couldn't find his property in the dark, so they flew to our co-worker's house and picked him up to show them the way because he was the only person who could recognise his buddy's property from the air at 2am. The medivac didn't have time to drop our co-worker off at home on the way to the hospital, so he ended up stranded at the hospital while they rushed his buddy in for his transplant.
-Employee's false teeth flew out the window as she was driving.
-A co-worker called in late in the middle of summer. He woke up late, called in and reused an excuse he'd used before... his pipes had frozen.
-Employee forgot he was hired for the job.
-He was still living with his parents and his mother made fish for supper. He swallowed a bone and it got lodged somewhere in his digestive tract. This caused him to lapse into a coma after he went to bed that night and it took his parents three days to realise it and revive him.
-Employee was in line at a coffee shop when a delivery truck backed up and dumped flour into her convertible.
-We had an intern who couldn't come into the office because her kitten was going through puberty and was getting all angsty and couldn't be left alone. The next day, said intern showed up with scratches on her forearms that were apparently made by angsty kitten.
-Employee claimed her bus was delayed; she produced a note signed by the driver.
-A guy rang in sick and said he couldn't come in because he had a collapsed lung. Next day he was in. We asked about that - he said "It was only partially collapsed."
-Employee said his hair was hurting his head.
-I went to the beach and my braces melted.
-Employee thought she had won the lottery, but it turns out she didn't.
-I once told my boss my cat was hit by a car and I had to take him to the vet. In truth, my cat was in perfect health and I was just hungover.
-Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
-My best excuse is severe period cramps. For male bosses, they don't ask any more questions.
-Employee claimed her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
-Employee broke an arm trying to catch a falling sandwich.
-A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
-An employee's wife found out he was cheating, so he had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.
-Employee accidentally flushed car keys down the toilet.
-Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.
-Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
-I told my boss I **** my pants in my car on the way to work and couldn't come into the office unless he could come down and bring me a new pair with some wet wipes. No guy wants to hear about his pretty little secretary ****ting her pants.
-Employee had to help deliver a baby on way to work.
-Told my boss my mum had died and I couldn't come in. It worked until the next day when I realised my boss and mum are friends on Facebook because of some fundraiser they did together a long time ago.
-Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
-Told my boss I found my girlfriend cheating on me and had to take the day off to deal with it. It was a TOTAL lie and he felt terrible because he kind of knows my girlfriend. It was awkward when we went to the Christmas party together. We never talked about it but now he thinks my girlfriend is a cheater.
-Employee I cut fingernails too short, they're bleeding and has to go to the doctor.
-Had an employee return two days late after being on holiday. He had jet lag. He'd only been to Spain which is a 2 hour flight!
-One of the walls in the employee's home fell down the night before.
-Employee was sitting in the bathroom and her feet and legs fell asleep. When she stood, up she fell and broke her ankle.
-Employee's dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
-Employee had been at the casino all weekend and still had money left to play with on Monday morning.
-Employee's mother was in jail.
-Employee woke up in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it.
-Employee's wheelchair broke down.
-Employee had a "lucky night" and didn't know where he was.
-A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
-Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn't get out.
-Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
-Employee had a gall stone they wanted to heal holistically.
-It's way too cold outside to leave the house.
-Employee caught their uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.
-Employee had tickets for Sunday's race but it was rained out, so they're running it today.
-Employee accidentally got on a plane.
-Employee blew his nose so hard that he pulled a back muscle.
-I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
-Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
-Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
-I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
-Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
-One of our employees told me that they couldn't come in because all their clothes were wet.
-Employee's house lock jammed, and is now locked in.
-I forgot to charge my phone and it died overnight, so it didn't wake me up in the morning.
-Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.
-I can't come in because I fell up some stairs and broke my foot.
-Employee was upset after watching The Hunger Games.
-I can't come in because I accidentally drank mouthwash.
-Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.
-"I can't come to work because I have conjunctivitis"... employee had actually sprayed deodorant in her eyes to make it look like she had the infection.
-Employee tripped over his pet dog and was knocked unconscious.
-I can't come into work because the power's gone out and I need to wait for it to come back on.
-Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers. Was then arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
-My plastic surgery needed some "tweaking" to get it just right.
-Employee forgot to come back to work after lunch.
-Employee got sick from reading too much.
-Employee totalled his wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
-My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
-I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
-I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.
-Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
-My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out.