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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #646
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".

    The captain says "You're new here, aren't you?

    This is Air Force One".
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  2. #647
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    -A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
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  3. #648
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
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  4. #649
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    A man accidentally finds the Utopia forum & decides to have a look, when he gets to the sign in page he is presented with the dumbest and most ridiculous secret question in the history of secret questions. Luckily, this man (having no idea that the question was game related) is smarter than the average forum Moderator, so, he simply guessed that it was avian and proceeded to sign up just so he could tell the site owner/ mod or whoever that he is the king of all stooges for using such a lame dumb-ass secret question.
    This man then proceeded to leave the Utopia forum never to return.

  5. #650
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit terms.
    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
    When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
    Officer responds "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir". Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes sir?" Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"
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  6. #651
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...
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  7. #652
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    My girlfriend is a real screamer, if you know what I mean. You should hear her... especially when she walks in on me and the woman from next door.
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  8. #653
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    A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" his mother replied. "The rest are for your father".
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  9. #654
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday. The priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
    Murphy said "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
    The priest said: "Well, murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. what changed ya mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard ya sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all!"
    With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"
    Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.
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  10. #655
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    Lol krozair you don't change bro
    Marmite, you either crave it or loath it

  11. #656
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    Thx ThePuncher - glad you are enjoying them....



    Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.
    The first woman says "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice!"
    The second woman says "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"
    The third woman says "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us".
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  12. #657
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie". She says "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too".
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  13. #658
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

    The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognise him. Happily, he began to play the course.

    An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing".

    God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

    The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him...?"

    God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"
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  14. #659
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered. The chicken.
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  15. #660
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    Why do Torres Strait Islanders look weird?

    Because one of their ancestors mated with a Klingon
    Last edited by .:. The Moon .:.; 03-11-2018 at 10:44. Reason: A lack of knowledge...

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