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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #751
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #752
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    A MAN'S AGE AS DETERMINED BY A TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE
    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realise you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following...
    IN YOUR 20'S
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
    IN YOUR 30'S
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
    IN YOUR 40'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the ha5rdware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleav [although it doesn't stop you].
    IN YOUR 50'S
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms".
    IN YOUR 60'S
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
    IN YOUR 70'S
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
    IN YOUR 80'S
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
    IN YOUR 90'S & BEYOND
    What's a hardware store? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #753
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    Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #754
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    I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #755
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    There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #756
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    Day 19 of the quarantine. My wife called out from the living room and said "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?" I said "no". She replied "How about now?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #757
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    While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #758
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    A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #759
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    I was offered sex from a beautiful 21-year-old chick today. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook wall. Of course, I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is just as strong as AJAX. The super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon scent and vanilla.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #760
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    A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered". When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed "Not this time".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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