Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

My girlfriend just text me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegiveme analternative". Anybody know what "ternative" means?

[Krozair]

WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."
MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."

[Krozair]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum".

[Krozair]

Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing on the bay. While one of them got the boat ready, the other went to his friend's house to pick up the bait that had been left on the veranda. While he was there, he saw a man in bed with his friend's wife. Back at the boat he announced that he had some bad news, and said what he had seen. His friend took it calmly "Gee you had me worried then. I was afraid you were going to say you'd lost the bait"

[Krozair]

I tried to make a corona virus joke a while back. Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

[Krozair]

A young girl went with her dad to 'bring your kids to work day'. After excitedly walking around meeting her dad's colleagues, she suddenly burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked her dad. "Where's all the clowns you told me you worked with?" she cried.

[Krozair]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at gun point told the man to hand over the jewellery and money now! The man started sobbing and said "Brother, you can take anything you want, but please untie the rope and free her". The thief says "You must really love your wife!" The man replied "No, she is my neighbour's wife, mine will be home any second!"

[Krozair]

A woman walks into a bar, and guy asks "Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure" said the woman. After a few moments of conversing, she finally asked "So what's your occupation?" He says "I'm a carpenter". "To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with wood". "First, I get you hammered. Next, I nail you. Then, I screw all your friends".

[Krozair]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity

[Krozair]

An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a politician in the family before!"

[Krozair]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS
Q: MY HUSBAND IS UNINTERESTED IN FOREPLAY

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: MY HUSBAND CONTINUALLY ASKS ME TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON HIM

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: MY HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHERE MY CLITORIS IS

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: MY HUSBAND HAS TOO MANY NIGHTS OUT WITH THE BOYS

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: MY HUSBAND WANTS A THREESOME WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND ME

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: MY HUSBAND ALWAYS HAS AN ORGASM THEN ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP WITHOUT GIVING ME ONE

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Krozair]

At the local Mental Hospital :
Doctor: - "What is this?"
Mad Man: - "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages."
Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages?!... woooooow, What did you write?"
Mad man: "On the first page i wrote One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
And on the last page i wrote The King reached the Jungle."
Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Mad Man:- "I wrote;
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Doctor :- (stunned) "AND what's that????!!!!!"
Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?"
Mad Man: "I will put it on a facebook site, my mad friend's there will definitely read it... One of them is reading it as we speak!"

[Krozair]

An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"

[Krozair]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[Krozair]

I walked into the pub last night and noticed what seemed to be a party in the corner so I asked the blonde barmaid what was going on. She said "It's Tuyu's birthday". "Oh right... which one's Tuyu?" I replied. She said "Oh, I've no idea, I just heard them singing 'Happy Birthday, Tuyu'!"