I thought about telling a chemistry joke here, but all the good ones Argon.
I thought about telling a chemistry joke here, but all the good ones Argon.
How do you know your girlfriend is fat?
When she fits into your wife's clothes.
- "He's kinda awesome..."
Good to see others contributing....keep it up!
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
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A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Lol Dharan
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
S?amus not Shamus, at least get the details correct in your stereotyping!
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:P
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says "Certainly not!" "Hmmm" he replies. "It must be your feet, then".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She then said, “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.”
LOL - That is one I have not heard b4...
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love......
They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".
Laughter IS the best medicine - always
Hehe, ah i missed your Friday's Specials Krozair! :)
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