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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #181
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilisation. So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money.

    Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep.

    Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly. He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon.

    He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?" Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the sheriff's girl!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #182
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlour. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

    The madam says "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally". So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

    Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure".

    Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

    "Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #183
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A man was sitting in the bar at airport terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.

    "I still call Australia home" he says to her. She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. Obviously not with QANTAS he thought.

    Still hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan "Love to fly and it shows...?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.

    A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said "A great way to fly...!" She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

    He then wondered if perhaps she works for Thai Airways and said "Smooth as silk...?".

    This time, the woman turned on him and said "What the **** do you want?" The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #184
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    "Well it's quite simple" says the seller. "Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain". And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend Susie, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Susie stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes". "No problem" he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Susie. No one says a word.

    He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum of course completely horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm and Joe sits down.

    His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear but still... total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted "OKAY OKAY!! IL'L DO THE BLOODY DISHES!!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #185
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
    Mick says "How you doin'?" Paddy says "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing".
    Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
    He says "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you".
    They say "Get away with ya... prove it".
    Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
    Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em! What's the point of ****in one?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #186
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Say what you want about Obama but at least he listens to the people
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  7. #187
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Cars vs. Computers

    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

    .........

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

    CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

    HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

    CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

    CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

    ..................

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Your cars stink!"

    HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

    HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

    HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

    ............

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #188
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal". Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #189
    Post Demon
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    Clap clap nice one

  10. #190
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krozair View Post
    I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal". Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
    Then there must also be a lot of proctologists and urologists on the road
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  11. #191
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    At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors made the following contribution to the debate:
    "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
    3. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this, restart and drive on.
    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd accept this too.
    5. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
    6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bout a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
    7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
    8. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
    9. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
    10. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
    11. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft petrol and lubricants but the packaging would be superb.
    12. New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.
    13. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
    14. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
    15. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 1 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
    16. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
    17. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes.Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
    18. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own anyroads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free,including IBM.
    19. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11),then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive muchfaster, and on more roads!
    20. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrowyour friends, and then copy it.
    21. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignitionfor a few days before it worked.
    22. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.
    23. Every time Microsoft introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    24. Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Automobile Association Road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
    25. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  12. #192
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Snowden's best bet for avoiding US judges would probably be Guantanamo Bay ;)
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  13. #193
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Gordon Ramsey insults:
    (not sure if he actually said any of these but they sound like the things he'd say)

    This Crab is so undercooked
    I can still hear it sing "under the sea"

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because you didn't ****ing cook it!

    That fish is so raw
    it's still looking for it's son!

    This lamb is so undercooked
    Welsh people are still trying to shag it!

    This beef is so raw
    I can hear it ****ing mooing!

    The beef is so undercooked
    it's starting to eat the salad!

    This souffle has sunk so badly
    James Cameron wants to make a film about it!

    This chicken is so undercooked
    a skilled vet could still save him!

    Your chicken is so rubbery
    Goodyear asked for the recipe!

    Your cooking is so terrible
    you can't even apply for McDonalds!

    This salad is so under dressed
    it makes Paris Hilton look classy!
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  14. #194
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    I gather someone didn't like the earlier one I posted...oh well...


    This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem".

    Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it so he buys Randy.

    The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun". Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.

    Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times and the farmer is amazed. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

    Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Sure enough he gets all the geese.

    By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard.

    Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself". Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhh, they're getting closer!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #195
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    Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

    They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

    It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
    even if someone tells him where it is.

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