Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

Mrs Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her 'private parts'. After a couple of minutes he asked "How does that feel?" "Wonderful" she replied "but the discharge is from my ear".

[Krozair]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again".

The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurised?" The blonde said "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes".

[DDodge]

Ty krozair. This is one of the things I check while at work to help speed the day along. Moar plz!!

[Landro]

There's a car crash. Both drivers are unhurt but pretty shaken up. One of them walks to to his car trunk an pulls out a bottle of beer and hands it to the other driver. "Here, have a beer to calm your nerves." The other driver drains the bottle in one go. "Thanks, aren't you going to have one too?". "No," says the other "I think I'll wait until after the cops give me the breath analyzer test."

[Krozair]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[Krozair]

My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".

[Krozair]

THE BEST AND WORST SPEEDING EXCUSES

-I told a State Trooper I was speeding because I had to use the bathroom. He told me where the closet restroom was located, followed me and wrote my ticket in the parking lot as I ran inside to use the bathroom".

-"I am on my way to give someone their last rites". Later the driver complained that I made him late and the guy died without them, however after the ticket he went directly into the nearby McDonalds.

-A cop caught a woman speeding who pulled into a convenience store and bought drinks. When she returned out to her car, the cop saw she was pregnant. "I'm in labour and on my way to the hospital" the woman told him. He offered to escort her to the hospital but the woman admitted she just used her pregnancy as an excuse.

-Stopped a guy doing 30 over. He asked to get out of the car to speak with me. After patting him down he walked to the rear of my car. He then asked if I would hurry up and write his ticket, he really needed to get home. After this request I asked him the emergency. He said I might not understand. I said just tell me what's the problem. He point toward his car and the young woman in it. He said they had been dating several months and she was finally "giving it up" and he wanted to get home before she changed her mind.

-In another hospital excuse, an officer said the driver he stopped for speeding said he was taking his wife to the hospital. "She's bad sick" the driver told Thomas. Thomas glanced in at the wife who wore a smirk on her face. Thomas offered to escort the couple to the hospital. While en route, he watched the couple arguing. He followed them into the emergency room where they continued arguing. Just as she acted like she was going to check in, the wife stopped and said "I'm not doing this anymore. You need to take what's coming to you".

-The best was when I stopped a guy going 88mph in a 60. Asked him why he was going so fast. He replied "I was trying to go back in time" as he looked at me and grinned.

-My dad used to say he got held up and was very late picking up his daughter and he was worried about her waiting all alone. Worked about 90% of the time.

-A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.

-My wife didn't care for long drives on the interstate when she travelled on business alone. So she would put a box of tampons (visible) in the backseat. Whenever she was stopped for speeding, she would act jumpy, exasperated and irate. When questioned as to why she was driving so fast she would point to the box of tampons in the backseat. No male officer ever ticketed her!

-I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said "I'm a Wicka". I said "A what?" She goes "You know, a witch". I said "Oh yeah". Then she asks "Are you giving me a ticket?" I said "Yes, I am". She said "I'll put a spell on you. I told her "Too late. My ex-wife beat you to it".

-As I was speeding, a state trooper pulled me over. When he told me how fast I was going I told him I had been talking to myself. He looked puzzled. I said I was mad at my husband and was practicing what I was going to say to him. I guess the madder I got the faster I got. He closed his ticket book and said "I'll let you finish your conversation, just keep it under the speed limit". Works every time.

-DRIVER: My buddy, who is police officer, is gonna kill me! OFFICER: Who is your buddy? DRIVER: David Pollino! OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him! DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks. DRIVER: I don't understand! OFFICER: Can you read, ma'am? Can you read my name tag out loud? DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino! OFFICER: Ma'am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks.

-An officer asked my grandma why she was in a hurry and she said she had ice cream in the back and didn't want it to melt. He let her go.

-"Oh I thought the sign I-95 meant the speed limit... glad you didn't catch me over on SR-210 earlier".

-"I wasn't speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast".

-One driver blamed bigger tires for his increased speed. The judge understood because he knew changing out the size of a tire can throw off the speedometer.

-It snowed 6 inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter of fact told me "Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I'm going!!"

-I was working the highway on a Sunday afternoon and I pulled over a van with two occupants that was speeding. I asked what the emergency was and the driver responds that he was trying to get a fly out of the van and he figured that if he opened the windows and sped that it would work.

-I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 at 101mph. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85mph. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was "My speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor".

-I was trying to catch up to the guy in front of me so that I could read his license plate because he threw a beer bottle at my car".

-One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to make sure everything went alright. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didn't write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough.

-"My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I'm on my way to get it fixed!"

[Krozair]

-A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 000 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".

-A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says "An 8-iron, father. How about you? "The priest says "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray". The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down".

-Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did". The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know - five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five".

-A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked "Are you a good golfer? The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

[Krozair]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".




--I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2".


--
The biggest difference between men and women, is what comes to mind when they hear the word "facial".


--
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.



--
I was in the gym changing room when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum. I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about. He said that maybe it was probably innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers.
--



A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a Priest come in. "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The Priest replies "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[Krozair]

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered "God made me a long time ago". "Oh" she paused "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey" he said "God made you just a little while ago". Feeling their respective faces again, she observed "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
--
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".

[neanderthal]

Do you have a vagina? Not to xxx I believe....

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a innocent man standing there

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina? She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina? She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

Do you have a vagina?

Yes, actually I have, she says...

The man replies.. Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

[goodz]

Thread continues to deliver. Krozair ftw.

[Palem]

What do you call a bear that's been caught in the rain?









-A drizzly bear

gg Krozair :p

[neanderthal]

Last post just fizzled the thread.

[freemehul]

Q: What's a synonym for a Wii User?

A: A wizzkid