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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #226
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Oh my god - bad puns have been posted.....


    Oh well I hope people like this...


    One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

    Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

    "Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is". "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts".

    The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

    "Okay" the husband said gruffly "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits". At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse. The twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

    "I can't" replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #227
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    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

    "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

    "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

    "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  3. #228
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    A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

    The lawyer turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

    Chiropractor: "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

    Lawyer: "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me.



    What did Zero say to number Eight?

    sigh "Nice belt."



    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A fsh.


    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A stick.



    Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

    He had to work it out with a pencil.
    Last edited by neanderthal; 28-09-2013 at 01:32. Reason: More
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  4. #229
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    A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


    A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  5. #230
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    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
    local Bar...

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights
    would turn off.’

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers ...

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please
    use the restroom?

    The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in
    there wearing only a fig leaf.’

    ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun ... So the bartender showed the nun to the back of
    the restaurant.

    After a few minutes, the nun came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
    round of applause!

    She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just
    because I went to the restroom?’

    ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ... ‘No thank you, but,

    I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

    ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out ...


    Now, how about that drink?’
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  6. #231
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Great round of jokes - well posted!



    UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #1
    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want". The first engineer nodded approvingly and said "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway".
    UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #2
    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
    UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #3
    A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him".
    He said "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime".
    The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them". The ophthalmologist added "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them".
    They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"
    UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #4
    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
    UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS #5
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #232
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    This is a scam against older men at places Wal-mart, Home Depot, etc

    Please be careful fellas.



    Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

    You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.

    Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.






    I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

    Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

    Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Wal Mart and Home Depot.


    So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

    (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  8. #233
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
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    needs more jokes! (this is not a request for kuhan to grace us with his presence in the thread)
    My life is better then yours.

  9. #234
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    @ Goodz - feel free to post some :)


    Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing" says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him to the zoo and the same thing happens. "What's that, daddy?" he asks. "That, son, is an elephant's penis" his father replies. "Mummy said it was nothing" the lad says. "Your mother's spoilt, son" said his dad.
    --
    After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny. "Look" says Bob "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you". Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob gives it to him as a male. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go. "**** off" Bob replies "I've got a headache".
    --
    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?" The other replies "Oh sure I do". The first old lady asks "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies "I suck a lifesaver". After a few moments, the first old lady asks "Who drives you to the beach?"
    --
    This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1...? So I did. I don't remember much after the punch hit me.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #235
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    I woke up this morning, got dressed and went into the kitchen, where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" I asked her. She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk". Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #236
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so I couldn't play golf, go drinking or fish, so I talked to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.



    --
    I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint...


    --
    A blind rabbit, and a blind snake meet in the woods. They start talking, and eventually become friends, and they agree to meet on a regular basis. On one of these meetings, the snake says "You know, we have talked a lot, but I am blind, and I don't know what you look like, do you mind if I feel you?" The rabbit agrees, and the snake feels him"... You are soft and cuddly, with a little cotton tail. Are you a rabbit?" "Why yes I am... may I check you out?" "Certainly" The bunny says "Hmmm, you seem to be cold and slimy, and you are choking the life out of me... are you by chance a lawyer?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #237
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    A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

    The father answers: "Well son, I knew you'd ask about this one day.

    Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: You've Got Male!

  13. #238
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    One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

    Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

  14. #239
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #240
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    BEER FACTS EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW

    -A pint of Guinness has fewer calories than Coors and Budweiser and has more flavor than them. Guinness draft has fewer calories than a serving of skim milk, which has 135 calories. It also has fewer calories than a serving of orange juice, which contains 183 calories. Twelve ounces of Guinness contains only 125 calories.
    -The global beer industry is forecast to have a value of $496.6 billion in 2014 compared to the global wine industry which is expected to reach $327.8 billion in 2016.
    -It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
    -Back in 2009 a small Michigan microbrewery called Dark Horse turned down a potentially huge endorsement deal with Nickelback. The spot would have involved a delivery truck pulling up to a frat party with crowd shots of kids holding the beers. Dark Horse ultimately declined because they hated like Nickelback.
    -Snow Beer in China is the most popular beer, with 74.8 million barrels sold in 2012.
    -Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Sadly its alcoholic content is less than that found in a standard beer.
    -In the Czech Republic, the average person drinks 346 12-ounce bottles of beer per year - the most of any other country.
    -Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
    -The moon has a crater named Beer.
    -Pale lagers and pilsners account for the top 10 most popular beer brands in the world.
    -In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminium cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.
    -In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
    -At 65 percent alcohol by volume, Armageddon from Brewmaster in Scotland is the world's strongest beer.
    -A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile. Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
    -Beer helped Joseph Priestly discover oxygen. He noticed gases rising from the big vats of beer at a brewery and asked to do some experiments.
    -Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.
    -At spas in Europe, you can literally bathe in beer as a physical and mental therapeutic treatment.
    -Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hassled ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
    -Beer contains high levels of silicon, which have been found to increase mineral density in bones, according to researchers. In other words - drink more!
    -Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle".
    -Oktoberfest originally started as a festival celebrating the 1810 marriage of Crown Prince Ludwig.
    -At the start of Bavarian Beer Week in Germany, an open-air beer fountain dispenses free beer to the public.
    -After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armour or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
    -Beer is easiest on the kidneys among alcoholic beverages because it has the highest water content. In other words - drink more!
    -Germany is home to a beer pipeline. Taps in Veltsin-Arena are connected by a 5km tube of beer.
    -During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavoured with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.
    -Nobel Prize winner Niels Bohr was given a perpetual supply of beer piped into his house.
    -In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
    -The Code of Hammurabi decreed that bartenders who watered down beer would be executed.
    -President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari.
    -At the Wife Carrying World Championships, first prize is the wife's weight in beer.
    -In the middle ages "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
    -A cloud near the constellation Aquila contains enough ethyl alcohol to fill 400 trillion, trillion pints of beer.
    -Fried beer won Most Creative Fried Food at the 2010 Texas State Fair.
    -By the 1900s most saloons were owned by breweries. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.
    -Coined in the early 1900s, the word "alcoholiday" means leisure time spent drinking.
    -Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
    -The builders of the Great Pyramid of Giza were paid with a daily ration of beer.
    -In the 1980s, a beer-drinking goat was elected mayor of Lajitas, TX.
    -There is an Egyptian beer, called 'Bousa' that is brewed from millet and has been a favourite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze". Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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