Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 66 year old retired Australian named Reg walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick" he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

The Receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man replied "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it!" he replied.

[Krozair]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[Krozair]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Johnny. He began stomping on them in his anger.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny wandered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said "That's it! No butter for you for one month!"

Early that same evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

About a month later, the tired and frustrated father, upon coming home from work, kicks the cat... And then little Johnny immediately offers "Are you going to tell him, mummy, or shall I?"

[Krozair]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term

[Grunkz]

Ghandi's epiphany?


Wisdom:

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize

there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

[Grunkz]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon that told her about a new procedure called, ?The Knob,? where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted, ?The Knob.?

Over the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ?All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.?

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ?Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.?

She said, ?Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[Grunkz]

The Priest and the Rabbi


A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[aggro]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[goodz]

bump

[aggro]

I phoned the radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"

"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

[goodz]

I phoned the radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"

"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

Replace beiber with tay swift and this is great!

[Krozair]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me".

[Krozair]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Landro]

War is when the government tells you who the enemy is.
Revolution is when you figure it out on your own.

[Krozair]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago".
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