Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not".

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'!"

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says "I was in bed". "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back "Any time you're ready, Father of Four".

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper 'Please wake me at 5am'. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said 'It is 5:00am. Wake up'.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common". The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick..."

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening".

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband... "I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect - I definitely don't want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up... I definitely want to have sex".

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says... "Okay but I have my rules about sex also... every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer - I don't give a **** about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

MARRIAGE (PART XII)
"Well" Ole replied to the assembled husbands "I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary". Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

MARRIAGE (PART XIII)
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?""Oh yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

MARRIAGE (PART XIV)
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow!! What a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and f*ck off in the morning!"

[Krozair]

A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.

[Krozair]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor".
--

Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
--
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "Sex".
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"

[Krozair]

Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

[Krozair]

A man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute. He shouted to his missus "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends" she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back "Manchester United".
--



I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..?




After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Sam remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth three times, flossed twice times and on top of that, gargled Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Sam opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Sam, did you have 69 before you came here...?" "Errr... why?" asked Sam "Does my breath smell like pussy?" "No" The dentist replied "Your forehead smells like ****!"

[Krozair]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."

[Krozair]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[Krozair]

YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-The farm was used to produce produce.
-The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
-We must polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
-Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
-A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
-When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-The buck does funny things when the does are present.
-A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

[blowitup_goose]

...

[Krozair]

My wife texts me: "I think we need a holiday. I just want to chill out and catch some rays with you. XXX". I can't wait to tell her that I've just booked us an epic three week fishing tour around the coast of Iceland.

[Grunkz]

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender looks at him and says "gee, that looks uncomfortable"
The man replies "bloody oath, its driving me nuts".

[Grunkz]

There's this little lad called James. As a kid he was obsessed with tractors, had his room decorated with posters, wallpaper, bedspread, toys, the lot. His love never really went away so when he was older, his parents thought it'd be a good idea to take him to a farm to actually drive one for his birthday. Obviously he was stupidly excited weeks beforehand, and when the day finally came, he took to it like a natural, biggest grin on his face ever. Until he turned to wave to his parents and veered into a ditch. The weight of the tractor badly broke his legs and James spent an age recovering, slowly losing his love for tractors until he was completely rid of all traces. Cut to a few years later, he's in his late teens out at a bar getting on really well with this girl. Only problem is, she couldn't stand the smoke in the bar. Not wanting to lose his chance, James stood up, took a deep breath, inhaled all the smoke in the room, walked to the door, and blew it outside.

'How the hell did you do that?' asked his prospective lass.

'I'm an ex-tractor fan' he replied.

[Krozair]

A large plane crashed on a property north of Geraldton. The local police constable mobilised a team and they eventually arrived at the farm. By that time, the aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned out fuselage left smouldering in a tree line bordering the farm.

The constable and his men entered the crash site, but could find no remains of anyone. Then they spotted the farmer ploughing a field not far away, as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John" the constable yelled, out of breath. "Did you see this terrible plane crash happen?" "Yep, sure did" the farmer mumbled as he cut the tractor's engine. "Do you realise THAT was the Prime Minister's 737?" "Yep".

"Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They all got killed straight out". The farmer answered. "Buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning".

"The Prime Minister is DEAD?" The constable asked.

"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor "he kept saying he wasn't. But you know what a lying bastard he is!"

[Krozair]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex". After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Krozair]

Two cowboys are out in the woods rounding up cattle. They stop to cook some lunch when Tex decides he needs to pee. He ambles off a short distance and starts to do his business, peeing over a fallen log. On the log, a rattlesnake had been sunning himself and, of course, didn't take kindly to the bath he got. So the snake up and bit the cowboy on his 'Johnson'. Now Tex didn't like being bit there very well and started to scream bloody murder. His friend Rex came running to see what the commotion was all about.

Rex asked Tex what happened and was quickly told the details "What kind of medical treatment is used?" asked Tex. "I don't know, but I do remember hearing that you should stay still and be clam. I'll ride to town and get the Doc or find out what to do".

So Rex rode to town, not sparing the horse, pulling up to the Doctor's office in a cloud of dust, ran in and told the Doc a rattler had bit Tex, but not any of the details.

"What needs to be done Doc, can you come out and take care of Tex?" "Mrs Ryan is about to have her baby so I can't come. But here's what needs to be done. You make a cut with this scalpel in the shape of an X by the fang mark, then you have to suck all the poison out". "Say, Doc, what happens if this ain't done?" asked Rex. "It's very likely that Rex could die" said the Doc.

Rex rode back to Tex in not as fast a trip and found him lying in the shade not feeling too well.

"WHAT DID THE DOC SAY? Tex hollered seeing Rex looking rather distraught. "Well... he said you gonna die, ol' boy!"