Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

A Russian guy is entering Canada. He's at the customs counter. Customs agent looks at his passport and asks "Nationality?" "Russian" "Occupation?" ""No, just visiting".




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A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied "Of course they were cleaned Father". "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells "Here Soap! Here Water!"




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This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's got a nice pair of tits too!"



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Little Thomas comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks "Well, what did you learn today?" Thomas replies "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow".

[freemehul]

hahaha keep it coming

[Krozair]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick". Five minutes later he said "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late". A moment later "Err... sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected". One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night?"
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"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. "Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in laundry detergent..." "Fred" said the teacher. "You must have known that detergent is bad for parrots...?" "Oh it wasn't the detergent that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier".
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh..." the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me"

[goodz]

A robot walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sorry, we don't serve robots here," the bartender says. The robot looks at him a long moment and says, "Oh, but soon you will."

- catt

[Krozair]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class brat, gets up and says "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious!"
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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". To which the gentleman said "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[goodz]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a framed picture of a cat hanging behind the bar. "What happened to the picture of Buddha you used to have hanging back there?" he asks the bartender. The bartender replies, "That was Zen, this is Meow."

- catt

[goodz]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's that crap all over your arm?" the bartender asks. "I went to a temporary tattoo parlor and got a tattoo yesterday," the guy says. "This morning it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor was gone."

- another great one from catt on le facebook. Easily the greatest bar joke writer of our generation

[Landro]

[goodz]

lol is there a source for this?

[Landro]

lol is there a source for this?

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZdRjryx

[goodz]

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZdRjryx

err i meant any kind of context to where it is coming from or if it was staged or actually happened :p

A guy walks into a bar carrying a girl on his back on Halloween and orders a beer. "Sorry guy, this is a costume-only night, I can't serve you," the bartender says. "But I'm wearing a costume. I'm going as a snail," the guy says. "What's up with the girl on your back?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "That's Michelle."

[Landro]

err i meant any kind of context to where it is coming from or if it was staged or actually happened :p

probably staged according to one of the comments

A guy walks into a bar carrying a girl on his back on Halloween and orders a beer. "Sorry guy, this is a costume-only night, I can't serve you," the bartender says. "But I'm wearing a costume. I'm going as a snail," the guy says. "What's up with the girl on your back?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "That's Michelle."

[goodz]

your pictures are ruining the joke thread.

[goodz]

http://s141.photobucket.com/user/deg...topia%20Comics

[Krozair]

So that means its time to post more jokes...


A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "Fill it up, please". The attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins. "Hey buddy" says the attendant to the driver "These birds can't be happy like this... they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something". The motorist agrees to do so. The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once again the attendant sees the penguins sitting in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels... "What's this?" he says to the driver "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?" The driver says "I did... and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach".
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A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch". "But I'm not pregnant" she says. "Well you're not out of the ditch yet" he says.
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A man in a restaurant orders the house special. The waitress brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waitress has her thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the waitress, he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When she brings the main course her thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee. Finally, he angrily asks the waitress why she has her thumb in all his hot food. The waitress says "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm". The customer says "why don't you stick it up your arse!" And the waitress says "I do that in the kitchen!
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A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled by. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome. How you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Err... just a woman I met professionally" replied the doctor. "Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"