Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

LOL - great post.....



Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

[Krozair]

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems) "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.

On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying "Read it, read it, read it..."

[Landro]

[Landro]

Ebooks

[Krozair]

I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall: "We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want $200,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call". They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.
--
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
--
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops In front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the Rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water".
--
Nursery school teacher says to her class "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue". Teacher says "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange..." Second little boy says "Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown". Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!" "Okay then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."

[Landro]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

[Krozair]

"I'm ashamed of the way we live" a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed". The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed" he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent".
--
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me "You need a piece of tail". I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
--
The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married. "How long have you known the girl?" His superior asked. "A week". "Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough". In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise. "So you still want to get married? My, My! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays". "I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir".
--
The teenaged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. The teenaged beauty informed her friend that her mum was always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!" The beauty replied "Waiting for me to come home".

[Krozair]

"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Well, okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "****! THAT'S the word!

[Krozair]

A teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy. The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming "I can't see! I can't see!" The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career! He turned to the mother and asked "How long has this been going on?" Without looking up she replied "Ever since you stepped between him and the TV!"
--
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Dianne agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Dianne" he said "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?" "Don't be ridiculous" she replied "I don't care who gave you the money!"
--
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale". A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish". The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that". The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ****ing potatoes!!!!"
--
Two rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first redneck says to the second "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The second redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even".

[Krozair]

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl said "I'll go first". She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turned to the young man and asked "Can you top that?" The young man replied "No problem, just get that lion out of the way".

[Krozair]

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom "Sir, it is now 6 o'clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards". The groom looks at him and says "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door to the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 litres of orange juice!" Room service replies "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife?"

Room service asks "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies "I have to see if she can eat like a bunny too!!"

[Landro]

[Krozair]

LOL - love it....


After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honour, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges". The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me".
--
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said "I have good news and bad news". "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has a STD". The husband exclaimed "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied "She didn't get it from you".
--
Walter, the hypochondriac, checked himself into the hospital for his weekly physical and diagnostic examination. After a battery of fluid tests, an alphabet of electronic scans, and several probing's and prodding's, Walter was resting in his room. The doctor came in, and said to Walter "I have good news and bad news, Walter. Which do you want to hear first?" "I knew it. Give it to me straight. I can take it. I am dying, I know it. That's the bad news, right?" "Yes, Walter, you are dying. You have a very rare, but always fatal, illness. It has no cure or even a treatment option. The pain will be excruciating, there is no pain medication that will work, and in a week or so of terrible suffering you will be gone". "Huh??" was all Walter could say. "I am sorry Walter, but there really is nothing we can do for you". "Wait a minute, Doctor, didn't you say that you had good news as well?" "Oh right, I forgot - I will be screwing your nurse tonight!!"
--
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on" says the second "Those are girls gym shorts". "No they're not" says the first "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look "No, no... definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!" "No, girls shorts!" "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts, but not from my parish!"

[Palem]

Cyanide and Happiness is wonderful

[Landro]

Cyanide and Happiness is wonderful

Here's a few more gems: