Krozair's Krackup's

[Palem]

one of my favorites:

[Landro]

[Landro]

[Landro]

[Krozair]

Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture". The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture". Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself".
--
A woman in labour is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!
--
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister-in-law."
--
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married." He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green". He said: "You can't". I said: "Why not?" He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit." I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it." Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?" I said: "Well, I said to dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister." She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

[Krozair]

Oh well - the servers are offline so time to post a joke :)




THE JOURNEY OF A MAN

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am just looking for a girl with big tits.

[Krozair]

GUYS SENSITIVITY EXAM

1. IN THE COMPANY OF FEMALES, INTERCOURSE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. YOU SHOULD MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN FOR THE FIRST TIME ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BOTH SHARED:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.

3. YOU ALWAYS TIME YOUR ORGASM SO THAT:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. PASSIONATE, SPONTANEOUS SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT CUDDLING A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST HAD SEX WITH IS:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE'S GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN THE LAST MONTH. YOU TELL HER THAT IT IS:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. YOU THINK TODAY'S SENSITIVE, CARING MAN IS:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.

8. FOREPLAY IS TO SEX AS:
A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A WOMAN WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

[Krozair]

A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St. Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry" St Peter said "But heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of heavenly arrivals".
"That's cool" said the blonde "What does the entrance exam consist of?" "Just three questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked the blonde. "The first" said St Peter "is, which two days of the week start with the letter "T" "The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?" "The third is "What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?" "Now" said St Peter "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me".
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied "I have". "Well then" said St Peter "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" The blonde said "Today and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on "how many seconds in a year?" The Blonde replied "Twelve!" "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter "How did you arrive at that figure?" "Easy" said the blonde "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds". St Peter looked at the blonde and said "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision".
And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into heaven. So... can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer". "Really!?" exclaimed St Peter "And what is the answer?" "It's Andy". "Andy!?!" "Yes... Andy" said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand it any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said the blonde "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled".

[Palem]

A funny tumbler post that just had me in stitches for some reason:

"the first person to ever fall asleep was prolly like 'aww **** i'm dying' but then woke up hours later and was like 'aww yea that's the **** i do like'"



There was also this one that made me a little sad:

"At some point in your life, your parents put you down and never picked you up again"

[Krozair]

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" The woman replies "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time". "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex".

Taken aback, the researcher says "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out".

[Landro]

[Krozair]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".

--
A man frantically calls hotel management from his room "Please come fast I'm having an argument with her and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!" The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter". He replies "Like hell it is! The window won't open, so that's a maintenance matter!"

[Landro]

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than ****".

[Palem]

I laughed for like 10 minutes. My niece watches this show, which made it all the more funny for me.


(totally nsfw)

[Palem]

A more appropriate funny