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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #31
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

    "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

    "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

    "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

    "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

    "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

    Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
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  2. #32
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

    She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".

    So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

    One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

    She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

    So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

    He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".
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  3. #33
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    All good stuff like usual Krozair.

  4. #34
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    Thx :)


    A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
    The small white guy faints!!
    The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
    The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
    The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
    The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
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  5. #35
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    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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  6. #36
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!


    In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.
    Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who did I miss?”
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  7. #37
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    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of20an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
    room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"
    Last edited by Krozair; 03-04-2012 at 20:30.
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  8. #38
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    I was sitting with my blonde girlfriend on the couch when she said "I think my boobs are too small. I'm going to get a boob job". I replied saying, "I think my hands are too small". She asked "Do you want a hand job?" Yup, she's a keeper.
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  9. #39
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    A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies "No, because she is in heat". "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage".
    The little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, can I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you". Dad said "Bring Belle over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "Okay you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block".
    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked "Where's Belle?" The little girl said "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home".
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  10. #40
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    I am waiting eager for more Krozair. They're hilarious, or most of then are anyway ^_^

  11. #41
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    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
    One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
    Shortly after that they were married.
    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
    overwhelmed him.
    Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
    Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
    He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
    While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
    ________________________________________
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  12. #42
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    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
    The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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  13. #43
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    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

    And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

    The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

    "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed,"but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'"

    The husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you?ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

    The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

    "'Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"
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  14. #44
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    lmao, keep em coming mate
    Tis a dog world out there, eat or be eaten, drink or be drunk.
    Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.

  15. #45
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    A policeman is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers Lane'. When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The policeman asks "What are you doing?" The young man says "Well, officer I'm reading a magazine".

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat he says "And her, what's she doing"? The young man shrugs "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night at Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

    He asks "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir". "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes..."
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