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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #451
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

    'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

    At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  2. #452
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    The Judge Joke Real life funny story

    Here goes: The Judge Joke

    Background: In December of 2015 I had to take a small business trip and befriended a parking lot attendant at the hotel. We were watching videos on his phone within the toll booth when a late middle-aged, somewhat rounded man began hobbling from the hotel restaurant towards his car. His whole body was lax, and all four of his limbs were swinging slowly.

    At this time, the attendant informed me that that man was a regular at the hotel so he'd have to leave to clear his parking-cone reserved spot. Then he leaned in and whispered very conspiratorially: "That man's a New York State Supreme Court Judge!" That's the lowest level of trial judges in NYS, so I wasn't too surprised by that, but I did worry a little about how the man was swaying.

    I looked between the attendant and the approaching man, and slowly asked "So...are you..just going to let him drive like that?"

    My new friend, the parking lot attendant, looked at me with his mouth agape for a moment before replying: "....Oh, you're a bad girl...That man's disabled!"
    Last edited by Antimony04; 08-01-2016 at 17:20.

  3. #453
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

    The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

    A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina! She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

    The man called the waiter over an asked "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter responded "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #454
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    Real Life Funny Stories relayed by Antimony

    These stories were relayed to us in my Conflict Management class years ago. The professor had served as a Biologist Level III and a manager of several different federal wildlife refuges. He had accrued some colorful stories in his 45 plus years serving in public land management. These are some of them that I recall him having shared with us:

    Taxpayer Money
    A belligerent man came into his refuge's nature center one day and was yelling at a clerk. At one point, the man said to the bureaucrat: "I PAY YOUR SALARY!"

    The clerk calmly reached into his pocket, put 3 cents onto the counter, and said "There. You don't have to worry about that part of my salary anymore."

    The man was furious and the refuge director had to arbitrate.


    A Manager "Who couldn't even SPELL Biology."


    There once was an upper level administrative employee who the director insisted could not even spell "Biology," let alone understand it. It had come to his attention that she had directed the Army Core of Engineers to use their levees to manipulate the water levels in his wetlands to unnaturally long duration of flooding, with the explicit intent of killing a batch of several decade old trees beside a raised walkway that the director and his staff would use for educational bird walks when school groups visited. When he discovered the water levels were artificially high due to the Army CORE's manipulations, he brought to her attention that no study had been conducted and that there was no certainty that killing the trees would produce good Black duck nesting habitat (which hunters desired and which she believed would surely result if the trees died). He ultimately had to go over her head to get the water levels put back down and save the stand off trees from an arbitrary death.


    Illegally Farming on Public Lands

    The refuge director once received an unfunded directive to vegetate native grasses in the preserve. He solved the problem by networking with area farmers. He told the cooperating farmers that if they bought native grass-seed mixes he directed them towards, they could farm some corners of the preserve, so long as each year for three years they sowed native seeds as well. After the three years, they were no longer to farm on the marsh. In this manner, he achieved the mandate he hadn't the funding to perform himself.

    When it was discovered that this was occurring, he feel back on his country roots defense and remarked "Really? I didn't know this wasn't allowed. I'm just a duck farmer." (He refers to himself as a duck farmer in reference to the gun clubs and hunters huge influence on his role in the preserve.-- The joke is that he exists to maximize the duck production in the marsh).

  5. #455
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to campaign donors.

    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

    "What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well" the driver replied "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me".

    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #456
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament.

    They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

    Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

    The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #457
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself "I'm toast". A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief". So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're toast!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #458
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Palem View Post
    What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


    No one knows. He hasn't opened it yet.
    My life is better then yours.

  9. #459
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window.

    "Uh, yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" The cop asked. "Well Officer" the young man replied "I'm reading a magazine".

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".

    Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, on lover's lane... and nothing obscene was happening!

    The cop asked "'What's your age, young man?" "I'm 22, sir" the young man replied.

    The cop asked "And her... what's her age?" The young man looked at his watch and replied "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #460
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No... I never did dance... never really wanted to".

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're going to dance now!" and started shooting at the old woman's feet. Not wanting to get her toes blown off, the old woman prospector started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out her double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sound too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the gun never wavered in the old woman hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No m'am... but I've always wanted to".

    There are lessons here for all of us:
    1. Never be arrogant.
    2. Don't waste ammunition.
    3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    4. Always make sure you know who has the power.
    5. Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #461
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat she says, "Well, that's great... that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
    --
    "Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Laura. "How'd you do that?" asked Keli. "Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'" "Yeah," says Keli. Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
    --
    One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"



    Thought I would post a few jokes as I am off on holidays to New Zealand... Land of the Long White Cloud... Ah New Zealand... Where MEN are MEN... WOMEN are WOMEN... and SHEEP are nervous :)
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #462
    Forum Fanatic freemehul's Avatar
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    what are the advantages of computers over women?

    1) computers are easier to turn on
    2) if you get tired of your old computer you can replace the hardware or update the software
    3) if your computer gets annoying you can hit the reset button
    Corruption is a serious impediment to civil liberties.

  13. #463
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in the place and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late. "No" he replies "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it". "What does it do?" she asked. "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me". "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties". "Ha! Well it must be broken then, 'cos I am!" "Damn thing" the guy says tapping the watch "must be an hour fast".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #464
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend". "That sounds fine" she purred.
    And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6am found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec waited, and the other man arrived, saying "Mind if I play along?" The exec said "Fine. Glad to have the company".
    All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs. When the cover came off one club the exec noticed that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
    "Whoa" he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look" said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings". "No. No" said the exec "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag...?" The other man pondered for a moment and then said "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living". "Wow" said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before".
    "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure" said the exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?" The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful - an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.
    The exec picked it up, looked through the scope, and said "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife". He lowered the gun for a moment and said "She doesn't have any clothes on". He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her".
    The exec lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet" said the man. The man thought for a moment, and said "Do it". "Which one?" said the hitman. "Both" said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know". "I don't care. hit 'em both".
    The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "You know where to hit him" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway". "Okay" said the hit man as he raised the rifle.
    Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister" he said "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten grand!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #465
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
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    In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all - fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter.

    The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.

    Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

    The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?"

    Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-*****, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

    Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also!" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one" he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

    Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the **** out of him. "You dumb ass! Pendejo! Stupido! Ignorante!" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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