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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #466
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    RIDICULOUS EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN SICK

    Ever found yourself desperately needing a day off work? Maybe you're too hungover or just cannot be bothered... all that stands in the way is a quick phone call to your boss with a cleverly thought up excuse. Basically like these below but, you know, believable...

    -Employee's cervix was hurting. This excuse from a male employee.
    -Employee's 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. Employee didn't want to report it to the police.
    -Employee said that a hit man was looking for him.
    -Employee was waxing his kitchen floor, and waxed himself into a corner. Apparently he had to stand there for an hour until the wax dried.
    -Employee's sobriety device wouldn't allow his car to start.
    -He had opened his bedroom window for some fresh air and set his alarm clock on the sill. A thunderstorm came through during the night and blew rain through the window, shorting out the alarm clock.
    -Employee had headache after going to too many garage sales.
    -Co-worker had a buddy who lived way out in the country and was on the waiting list for some kind of transplant. The medivac helicopter sent to pick the guy up couldn't find his property in the dark, so they flew to our co-worker's house and picked him up to show them the way because he was the only person who could recognise his buddy's property from the air at 2am. The medivac didn't have time to drop our co-worker off at home on the way to the hospital, so he ended up stranded at the hospital while they rushed his buddy in for his transplant.
    -Employee's false teeth flew out the window as she was driving.
    -A co-worker called in late in the middle of summer. He woke up late, called in and reused an excuse he'd used before... his pipes had frozen.
    -Employee forgot he was hired for the job.
    -He was still living with his parents and his mother made fish for supper. He swallowed a bone and it got lodged somewhere in his digestive tract. This caused him to lapse into a coma after he went to bed that night and it took his parents three days to realise it and revive him.
    -Employee was in line at a coffee shop when a delivery truck backed up and dumped flour into her convertible.
    -We had an intern who couldn't come into the office because her kitten was going through puberty and was getting all angsty and couldn't be left alone. The next day, said intern showed up with scratches on her forearms that were apparently made by angsty kitten.
    -Employee claimed her bus was delayed; she produced a note signed by the driver.
    -A guy rang in sick and said he couldn't come in because he had a collapsed lung. Next day he was in. We asked about that - he said "It was only partially collapsed."
    -Employee said his hair was hurting his head.
    -I went to the beach and my braces melted.
    -Employee thought she had won the lottery, but it turns out she didn't.
    -I once told my boss my cat was hit by a car and I had to take him to the vet. In truth, my cat was in perfect health and I was just hungover.
    -Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
    -My best excuse is severe period cramps. For male bosses, they don't ask any more questions.
    -Employee claimed her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
    -Employee broke an arm trying to catch a falling sandwich.
    -A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
    -An employee's wife found out he was cheating, so he had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.
    -Employee accidentally flushed car keys down the toilet.
    -Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.
    -Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
    -I told my boss I **** my pants in my car on the way to work and couldn't come into the office unless he could come down and bring me a new pair with some wet wipes. No guy wants to hear about his pretty little secretary ****ting her pants.
    -Employee had to help deliver a baby on way to work.
    -Told my boss my mum had died and I couldn't come in. It worked until the next day when I realised my boss and mum are friends on Facebook because of some fundraiser they did together a long time ago.
    -Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
    -Told my boss I found my girlfriend cheating on me and had to take the day off to deal with it. It was a TOTAL lie and he felt terrible because he kind of knows my girlfriend. It was awkward when we went to the Christmas party together. We never talked about it but now he thinks my girlfriend is a cheater.
    -Employee I cut fingernails too short, they're bleeding and has to go to the doctor.
    -Had an employee return two days late after being on holiday. He had jet lag. He'd only been to Spain which is a 2 hour flight!
    -One of the walls in the employee's home fell down the night before.
    -Employee was sitting in the bathroom and her feet and legs fell asleep. When she stood, up she fell and broke her ankle.
    -Employee's dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
    -Employee had been at the casino all weekend and still had money left to play with on Monday morning.
    -Employee's mother was in jail.
    -Employee woke up in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it.
    -Employee's wheelchair broke down.
    -Employee had a "lucky night" and didn't know where he was.
    -A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
    -Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn't get out.
    -Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
    -Employee had a gall stone they wanted to heal holistically.
    -It's way too cold outside to leave the house.
    -Employee caught their uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.
    -Employee had tickets for Sunday's race but it was rained out, so they're running it today.
    -Employee accidentally got on a plane.
    -Employee blew his nose so hard that he pulled a back muscle.
    -I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
    -Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
    -Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
    -I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
    -Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
    -One of our employees told me that they couldn't come in because all their clothes were wet.
    -Employee's house lock jammed, and is now locked in.
    -I forgot to charge my phone and it died overnight, so it didn't wake me up in the morning.
    -Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.
    -I can't come in because I fell up some stairs and broke my foot.
    -Employee was upset after watching The Hunger Games.
    -I can't come in because I accidentally drank mouthwash.
    -Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.
    -"I can't come to work because I have conjunctivitis"... employee had actually sprayed deodorant in her eyes to make it look like she had the infection.
    -Employee tripped over his pet dog and was knocked unconscious.
    -I can't come into work because the power's gone out and I need to wait for it to come back on.
    -Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers. Was then arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
    -My plastic surgery needed some "tweaking" to get it just right.
    -Employee forgot to come back to work after lunch.
    -Employee got sick from reading too much.
    -Employee totalled his wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
    -My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
    -I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
    -I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.
    -Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
    -My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out.
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  2. #467
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
    "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
    So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
    As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers "Ah sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000".
    "No problem! I'll write you a cheque!"
    "Very good, sir" says the shop owner.
    "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared".
    So the man and the woman leave.
    On Monday, the fellow returns.
    The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
    "I just had to come by" grinned the guy "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
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  3. #468
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
    Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
    Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
    Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
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  4. #469
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
    The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.
    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
    The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
    "You are truly a wise veterinarian" they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily".
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  5. #470
    Postaholic DonJuan's Avatar
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    A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

    A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

    After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

    The man shouts, "You're on!"

    After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

    The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
    "Respect the one who defends his land with bravery; Honor the price he pays to fufill his duty."
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  6. #471
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Rofl - thx 4 Posting :)



    The husband was not home at his usual hour and the wife was fuming. As the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3am she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realise what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house". Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
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  7. #472
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and an Irishman, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final hour approaches, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his inevitable doom.

    The time comes for the execution and the American is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away.

    The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the American shouts "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep into the woods and escapes death.

    The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

    The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the German shouts "HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the German has disappeared deep into the woods and escaped his execution.

    The Irishman is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, the Irishman decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7... 6 ...."

    Just before the officer reaches "1" the Irishman shouts "FIRE!!"
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  8. #473
    Game Support Bishop's Avatar
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    >:(
    Support email: utopiasupport@utopia-game.com <- please use this and don't just PM me| Account Deleted/Inactive | Utopia Facebook Page | #tactics <-- click to join IRC|
    PM DavidC for test server access

  9. #474
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
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  10. #475
    Postaholic DonJuan's Avatar
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    There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
    "Respect the one who defends his land with bravery; Honor the price he pays to fufill his duty."
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  11. #476
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
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    wait- no one wants to be in detroit - this joke doesn't make sense. Replace "wasn't going to detroit' with "was going to detroit"
    My life is better then yours.

  12. #477
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"
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  13. #478
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

    The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

    The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

    The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

    The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

    The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

    "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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  14. #479
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Roy". I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
    When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said "I'd like one too". Then I said "But this is a dog". He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old". He winked and said "You must have been quite a kid".
    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
    He said "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do". I said "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Funny - I have the same problem!"
    One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said "I had hoped to have Sex on TV". He said "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore".
    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married". The judge said "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please". Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me, too".
    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
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  15. #480
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
    After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..."
    Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say "Don't forget the coffee!!
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