Page 33 of 57 FirstFirst ... 23313233343543 ... LastLast
Results 481 to 495 of 851

Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #481
    Postaholic DonJuan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    920
    A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
    "Respect the one who defends his land with bravery;
    Honor the price he pays to fufill his duty."

    -DonJuan, The Legendary KaMiKaZe King
    WhatsApp +16264286874 | SC2/D3 BattleNet: DonJuan5420 | PSN: DonJuan5420

    Age 54: #1 Land KD (HaLL of Heroes)
    Age 54: #1 NW KD (HaLL of Heroes)

    Age 81: #1 Honor KD (The Faery Circle)
    Age 81: #1 WW KD (The Faery Circle)
    The Tactical Technical Institute

  2. #482
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".
    The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.
    A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas...?"
    His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #483
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    Little Johnny and his family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer". said his mother. "I don't need to" the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house". "That's at OUR house". Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #484
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" -Mark Watson
    "I've just finished covering my Ford transit in sequins. I always wanted a camper van". -Andy Bowers
    "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" -Tom Ward
    "I was playing chess with my friend and he said 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess" -Matt Kirshen
    "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" -Ria Lina
    "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'" -Tim Vine
    "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" -Stewart Francis
    "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance" -Bobby Mair
    "Crime in multi-storey car parks. Wrong on so many different levels" -Tim Vine
    "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -Darren Walsh
    "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" -Masai Graham
    "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" -Nick Helm
    "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass... but enough about Kanye West" -Stewart Francis
    "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1's and number 2's" -Bec Hill
    "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works" -Hannibal Buress
    "Surely every car is a people carrier?" -Adam Hess
    "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" -Paul F Taylor
    "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism she wouldn't fancy her chances" -Nish Kumar
    "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" -Masai Graham
    "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" -Scott Capurro
    "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car" -Tim Key
    "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably would not it ' -Dave Green
    "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" -Jason Cook
    "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards" -Sarah Millican
    "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fish and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" -Mark Nelson
    "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" -Felicity Ward
    "Met a guy the other day who said his job was as a limb stretcher. I said "You're pulling my leg mate" -Andy Bowers
    "I entered ten puns into a contest hoping they would win, but no pun in ten did". -Andoreasu Bushika
    "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost" -Marcus Brigstocke
    "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained. It's not rocket salad!" -Lou Sanders
    "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men" -Phil Wang
    "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" -Tom Parry
    "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa" -Rob Auton
    "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin" -DeAnne Smith
    "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing gloves massive "-Alun Cochrane
    "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying" -Rob Auton
    "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure" -Alan Sharp
    "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle " -Simon Munnery
    "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately" -Chris Coltrane
    "Someone asked me recently: what would I rather give up, food or sex? Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife" -Mark Watson
    "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I have not revised for..." -Grace
    "The universe implodes. No matter" -Liam Williams
    "I never lie on my CV... because it creases it" -Jenny Collier
    "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks" -Stewart Francis
    "If you do not know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" -Ian Smith
    "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case" -Rob Beckett
    "Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but does not" -Gyles Brandreth
    "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell" -Gary Delaney
    "Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that Means 'me' "-Ally Houston
    "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why" -Chris Turner
    "Earlier this year I saw 'The Theory of Everything' - loved it. Should've been called 'Look Who's Hawking' that's my only criticism" -James Acaster
    "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same" -Alfie Moore
    "I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine
    "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating" -George Ryegold
    "I deleted all the Spanish names from my phone Juan by Juan. -Andy Bowers
    "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister" -Will Marsh
    "My mum hates her new stair lift. She says it drives her up the wall" -Andy Bowers
    "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze" -Tim Vine
    "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD's back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly" -Tim Vine
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #485
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    TO MY DEAR WIFE

    During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

    -54 times the sheets were clean
    -17 times it was too late
    -49 times you were too tired
    -20 times it was too hot
    -15 times you pretended to be sleep
    -22 times you had a headache
    -17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
    -16 times you said you were too sore
    -12 times it was the wrong time of the month
    -19 times you had to get up early
    -9 times you said weren't in the mood
    -7 times you were sunburned
    -6 times you were watching the late show
    -5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
    -3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
    -9 times you said your mother would hear us

    Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

    -6 times you just laid there
    -8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
    -4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
    -7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
    -1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

    TO MY DEAR HUSBAND

    I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did.

    -5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
    -36 times you did not come home at all
    -21 times you didn't cum
    -33 times you came too soon
    -19 times you went soft before you got in
    -38 times you worked too late
    -10 times you got cramps in your toes
    -29 times you had to get up early to play golf
    -2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
    -4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
    -3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
    -2 times you had a splinter in your finger
    -20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
    -6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
    -98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

    Of the times we did get together:

    -The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
    -I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
    -The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #486
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

    He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says "Just don't tell your father".

    Pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with "I know the whole truth". The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says "Please don't say a word to your mother".

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying "I know the whole truth". The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your dad a big hug!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #487
    Postaholic
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    West of Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    895
    Fitting, given this week and next week in USA politics. It applies to both sides.



    While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer, the Doctor struck up a conversation.

    Eventually, the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

    The old farmer said. "Well, as I see it, most politicians are "Post Turtles".

    Not familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

    The farmer said, "when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle".

    The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

    "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what do do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with".
    War Monkeys War Monger - Contact me if interested in a beating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
    Rather than whining, getting pissy and getting on my radar why don't you just .....

  8. #488
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    Hillary (insert Trump if you prefer) holds a rally in front of a group native americans. She talks for hours about how she will protect native rights when elected. Then the chief takes the stage and thanks her for her support. As a token of gratitude he even gives her the honorary name "Walking Eagle". Hillary is very impressed and beams with pride as she leaves for her next rally.

    Afterwards, a reporter asks the chief "What exactly is a walking eagle?"
    The chief smiles and explains " A walking eagle is a bird that's so full of **** it's too heavy to fly"

  9. #489
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    The recently married woman was weeping and pouring out her heart to a marriage counsellor. "Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"
    The counsellor scowled. "Well" he said "maybe that's the problem. Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #490
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #491
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    WHICH FACEBOOK TYPE ARE YOU?

    I don't think this list actually goes far enough...

    THE 'I HAVE KIDS' POSTER: Congratulations, you're the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilisation. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born... it's the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders. Oh baby just climbed in a laundry basket? QUICK! *Don't* post a pic!

    THE 'UNSUCCESSFUL MOTIVATOR' POSTER: People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and "you can do it, if you change" slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.

    THE 'LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEE POSTER: I'm so fun and sexy, wow look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn't languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of **** watching Seinfeld reruns. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

    THE 'MY OPINIONS ARE FACT' POSTER: Our petty self-interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don't care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those "facts" you've gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture - we don't give a **** what you think about ANYTHING!

    THE 'SQUANDERED LIFE' POSTER: The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children. McDonald's for dinner again eh?

    THE 'GRANULAR DETAIL' POSTER: "At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice ****achino". "My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own". "All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday's". "This line up is too long, I'm so bored". "These extra zesty chips are so 'yum'" "Taking break from gardening, maybe I'm not such a green thumb after all LOL".

    THE 'MARKETING ARMY' POSTER: All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Doritos so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they 'Like' Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dying grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.

    THE 'WE'RE MARRIED!!' POSTER: You were married 2 ****ing years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we're all puking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shovelling that wedding cake into the other's gullet and I'll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.

    Now be honest - which one are you?
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #492
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616

    fake? nope, they really are that sexist
    https://twitter.com/chicagotribune/s...01317050605568

  13. #493
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616

  14. #494
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616

  15. #495
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    10
    What do you call Security in front of a SAMSUNG shop ?



    Guardians of the Galaxy

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 234 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 234 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •