Krozair's Krackup's

[Landro]

[Landro]

[Palem]

Well they're not wrong lol

[Landro]

Looks like the Amsterdam red light district has some serious competition now

[Krozair]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all.

Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked: "Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied "Oh no, not at all. I lived in California and this weather is just like a typical July day".

Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the man "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in California. I'm coping it just fine".

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero.

As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Californian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Trump has won! Donald Trump has won the Election!"

[Krozair]

HERE ARE SOME INCREDIBLY USEFUL PHRASES YOU CAN USE WHEN IN THE WORKPLACE...

-If you don't know what it is, call it an "issue".
-If you don't know how it works, call it a "process".
-If you don't know whether it's worth doing, call it an "option"
-If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a "challenge" or an "exciting opportunity".
-If you want to confuse people, ask them about "customers".
-If you don't know how to do something "empower" someone else to do it for you.
-If you can't take decisions "create space" for others to operate.
-If you need a decision, call a "workshop" to "network" and "ground the issue" followed by an "away day" to "position the elephant in the room" and achieve "buy-in".
-Never criticize or boast, call it "information sharing".
-Never call something a failure or mistake, it's a "positive learning experience".
-Never argue, have an "adult conversation".
HERE ARE SOME HELPFUL WAYS TO GET ALONG AT THE WORKPLACE...

-If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
-A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
-Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
-After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat.
-Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
-If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
-Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
-Everything can be filed under "pending".
-Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
-Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
-If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
-People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
-Following the rules will not get the job done.
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
-No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
-The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

[Krozair]

IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT BOOBIES

-The average boob weighs 1.1 lbs (0.5kg) and contains 4-5% of the body's total fat.
-40% of Australian women wear a bra with a cup size DD or larger.
-The average bra size in the U.S. is a 34DD. 20 years ago: it was 34B.
-Squeezing breasts may prevent cancer. Guys who routinely fondle their partner's boobs may actually be saving their life! Apparently, applying physical pressure on the breasts can stop the rapid growth of cancer and prevent out of control cells from turning malignant.
-The average erect nipple is about the same size of five stacked coins.
-Due to hormones released during ovulation, a woman's breasts are most symmetrical between days 14 and 16 of her monthly cycle.
-Massaging a breast or nipple releases oxytocin to the brain, the same chemical that's released when you're hugged.
-The average U.S. woman wears a size 40D bra. This equates to about 3 lbs total or 1.5 lbs per breast.
-Females have an equal chance of inheriting your chest size from either parent, which is why sister may have very different breasts sizes.
-Nipples can leak fluid, even if you're not breastfeeding.
-German model Stephanie Rahn was the Sun's first Page 3 Girl, revealing a single breast in the newspaper in 1970.
-The Milky Way Galaxy is so named due to the ancient Greeks believed that it was made from a drop of milk from the breasts of the Greek Goddess Hera.
-Women who get breast implants are three times more likely to commit suicide. How ironic is it that a procedure undertaken to enhance a woman's self-esteem, has resulted in a finding that women who get breast implants are at least three times more likely to commit suicide.
-In most women, the left breast is usually slightly larger than the right. This is due to the proximity to the heart. Very few women have perfectly symmetrical breasts. An up to 20 percent difference in size between the right and left breast is normal.
-Boobs aren't just made of fat. They are a complex system of glands and ducts, which also includes the nipple. Underneath each breast is muscle, as well as fibrous tissue that separates it from the ribs. After a certain age however, breasts do turn into mostly fat.
-Breast milk is sweeter, has more vitamin E, more iron, less essential fatty acids and less sodium than cow's milk.
-Hormones released during pregnancy can make nipples darker. They fade later.
-Sexist men prefer large breasts. A study identified a connection between sexism in men and breast size. The men were then asked to identify which women they found most attractive following which each was given a survey measuring hostility and attitudes toward women, relationships, benevolent sexism and how much a man objectified a women. The majority of men interested in large to very large breasts admitted to displaying behavioural traits of sexism and hostile attitudes towards women.
-Breasts normally grow for about two to four years after a girl gets her first period.
-Pregnancy, breast-feeding, menopause, birth control pills, and even sex can cause breasts to swell.
-80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size, which can lead to back pain and indigestion.
-Some women have one nipple wider than the other. It's normal.
-According to a French study conducted over 15 years on women aged between 18-35, wearing a bra is completely useless for women and may actually cause more harm than good. The study claimed that those women who did not wear a bra actually benefited long term, as they were able to develop more muscle tissue, which provided natural support.
-Breast cancer is the second deadliest cancer for women. Lung cancer is the first. One in eight women will eventually be diagnosed with breast cancer.
-Breasts can also grow as much as a full cup size during the menstrual cycle however in the days following, hormone levels drop and they shrink to their smallest. FU hormones!
-According to one study, some women can orgasm via breast stimulation: 1% of the women included in the study, to be exact.
-Breast implants have been made out of such things as: Polyester, glass balls, ivory, ground rubber, Ox cartilage, and the most famous - silicone injections (which caused granulomas and disfigurement).
-Some women can reach orgasm just through nipple stimulation. In one study it was found that for some women self-stimulation triggered the genital sensory cortex of the brain.
-Breast size is pretty much all genetics and weight. Interestingly, when women lose or gain weight, your breasts are one of the first part of the body to change.
-'Jogger's Nipple' is an all too real condition causing the nipples to become sore or even bleed caused by the friction of rubbing against fabric.
-Men who like small breasts prefer a submissive partner.
-The first radical mastectomy (breast removal) was performed in the late 1800's.
-One study found that when women run, regardless of size, their breasts could move up, down, and all around as much as eight inches.
-The largest breast implants in the world belong to Sheyla Hershey of Houston TX, formerly of Brazil. Her fake titties put her at an astounding 38KKK. She had to have the procedure done in her native Brazil, as the US doesn't allow that amount of silicon in a body.
-Coffee can make your boobs more sensitive, according to one study about the effects of caffeine.
-27-year-old Claire Smedley hit the headlines after almost suffocating her boyfriend with her 40LL's. He fell unconscious after being smothered by her boobs during sex. That's how I want to go!
-In late 19th century, Korean women would normally wear everyday clothes that exposed their breasts.
-Having a third nipple isn't uncommon. About 6% of the population has a third (or more) nipple with extra breast tissue. These extra breasts can even lactate and become sensitive during menstruation.
-Poor men like big breasts while financially secure men prefer smaller breasts. A study found the amount of money a man earns has a lot to do with the size of breasts he prefers.
-In Japan, some people either tattoo or use makeup to make their nipples appear more pink.
-Breastfeeding invokes in the mother the neurochemical oxytocin, otherwise known as the "love drug" which helps to focus her attention and affection on her baby. It's now been theorised that men who do nipple foreplay and stimulation during sex can make themselves more desirable.
-The first boob job surgery took place in 1962. Now it's the most popular form of plastic surgery in the United States, and has been since 2006.
-The most sensitive part of the breast isn't the nipple, it's the area right above it.
-Due to the chemicals in cigarettes breaking down the body's elastin, smokers often have saggier breasts than non-smokers.
-Breast milk is considered to have a sweet flavour due to the high amounts of lactose.
-In Hong Kong, you can get a degree in Bra Studies from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University. Students learn how to design and build a bra.
-Hungry men desire big breasts while satiated men prefer a smaller chest. Researchers found that hungry men preferred larger breasts to those whose stomachs were full.
-There are four types of nipples: protruding, flat, puffy, and inverted. All are normal.
-Approximately two million women in the United States have breast implants.
-In 2008, there were 307,230 breast enlargements performed in the US.
-Men not interested in fatherhood find large breasts less attractive. A study showed that large breasts are a signal of woman's capacity and ability to bear and nurture children.
-The reason that the original Lara Croft had such large breasts is that the size was accidentally set to 150% by designer, Tony Gard. The rest of the crew convinced him to keep it that way.
-The largest natural breasts in the world belong to Norma Stitz of the USA. She has a 70 inch chest; a bra size of 102ZZZ. She suffers from gigantomastia, which is a slow but steady growth of breast and fat tissue.
-Men have nipples because all foetuses start out as females.
-Chinese women who regularly eat mushrooms and drink green tea daily have 89% less risk of developing breast cancer than those who consume neither.

[Palem]

-The average bra size in the U.S. is a 34DD. 20 years ago: it was 34B.
...
-The average U.S. woman wears a size 40D bra. This equates to about 3 lbs total or 1.5 lbs per breast

Which is it?!

[MyNameIsMatija]

Which is it?!

The first one counts in male bras as well.

[Landro]

[Krozair]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
HER: "No way. It's just too risky!"
HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?"
HER: "No, no. I just can't"
HIM: "I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for Goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

[Krozair]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".

[Landro]

You may have heard this story before but it's still funny.

"Arson as a Christmas Tradition: The Gävle Goat "

[Krozair]

"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" Bob replied.

[Krozair]

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture". The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway".