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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #526
    Post Demon DM_Benjamin's Avatar
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    Dear Krozair,

    This is an open invitation to become a regular on Triggered: Utopias Community Podcast. All I ask is you bring the same glory to this thread as you do our podcast.

    The pay: Nothing
    The reward: Everything

    Ben

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  2. #527
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked "Why did you do that?" "Well" she replied "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  3. #528
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

    Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

    When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

    This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

    When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

    The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

    This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

    After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

    This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

    The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

    This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

    The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

    This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

    The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

    This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
    Last edited by Landro; 30-12-2016 at 21:23.

  4. #529
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
    you're upside down?" "Because the **** is running down my back!"
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  5. #530
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    MANAGEMENT STYLES EXPLAINED
    MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
    These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
    MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
    These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
    MANAGING BY POST-ITS
    Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busyness by continuously writing on Post-Its' while you are talking.
    MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
    These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
    MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
    These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
    MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
    These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
    MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
    Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
    MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
    These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
    MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
    In hierarchical organisations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
    MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
    If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
    MANAGING BY STUDYING
    Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
    MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
    Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
    MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
    This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
    MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
    This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
    MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
    In an organisation with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organisation from having a better infrastructure.
    BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
    This management style is ATRASACWOC (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).
    MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
    These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
    MANAGING BY REORGANISATION
    If they think there is nothing more to organise, they reorganise.
    MANAGING BY BELIEVING
    These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
    MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
    If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
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  6. #531
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket!" To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage.
    Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ship's crew, the pirates were defeated.
    Noticing a trend, one of the ship's crew members approaches the captain "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition". The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work.
    Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  7. #532
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 5". He says "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife". The clerk says "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says "No, I only call her that in public". The clerk says "What do you call her when you're home?" He says "Lard ass".
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  8. #533
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Happy Australia Day to all the fellow Aussies.....


    Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess before I die."
    "There's no need to, " she replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I must tell you. I've rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!"
    "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work.



    The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...
    Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
    Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
    A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.


    A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'



    In the beginning..............
    In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
    Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
    On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
    On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
    On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
    On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
    On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
    On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
    So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  9. #534
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot".
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  10. #535
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied. "In-laws".
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  11. #536
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news" he explained "is that your fiancÚ has a particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before". The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well" the doctor elaborated "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet".
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  12. #537
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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  13. #538
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says "I call my man 7-up". They ask her" Why do you call your man that" and she says" Because he's seven inches long and is always up.
    They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says" I call my man Mountain Dew". They ask "Why do you call your man that?" And she says "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me".
    They ask the third girl the same thing and she says "I like to call my man Jack Daniels". They look at her puzzled and say" Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor" and she says "Exactly".
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  14. #539
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    AUSSIE ANGER MANAGEMENT

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up.
    I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.
    So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ARSEHOLE!"
    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
    Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
    A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
    "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
    "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."
    "What's your name?" I asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home every evening after five."
    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes?"
    >"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
    Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
    "Hello."
    "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
    "Are you still there?" he asked.
    "Yeah," I said.
    "Stop calling me," he screamed.
    "Make me," I said.
    >"Who are you?" he asked.
    >"My name is Don Hansen."
    >"Yeah? Where do you live?"
    "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
    Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
    "Hello, arsehole," I said.
    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?" I said.
    "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
    I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
    >I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
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  15. #540
    Veteran Nim's Avatar
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    lol
    PEW PEW PEW!

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