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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #556
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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  2. #557
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

    The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

    At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

    Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

    When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #558
    Member Antwon's Avatar
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    Three unlikely friends, a Jewish rabbi, a Lutheran pastor, and a Catholic priest, all decide to go camping together one weekend. While chatting around the fire the first evening, they all agree to a wager: whoever can successfully convert a wild bear must belong to the one true religion.

    The next morning, the pastor takes charge when they find their first bear drinking water from a small pond. He sneaks up behind the unsuspecting predator and shoves him into the water. Quick as a fox, he recites 'I baptize thee...', jumps on the bears head, and submerges it under the water. Unfortunately for him, this goes no where in convincing the bear to meekly inherit the earth, and the three friends are chased back to safety by the failed convert.

    The priest has a good laugh and carefully explains to the pastor that only holy water blessed by a bishop can truly convert such a wild beast. He carefully pulls out a flask from amidst his robes and motions for his friends to follow him. The priest smiles big when they find the bear lazily grazing for berries. He mutters something in latin before running up behind the bear to dowse him with the holy water contained in his flask. This time the bear doesn't even growl, let alone call the priest father before moving on to a more plentiful berry patch. Downtrodden, the priest returns to his 2 buddies.

    Deep in thought, the rabbi pulls at his sidelocks. After a few moments, he quietly nods his head and heads after the bear, motioning for his friends to wait there. Several minutes later, the priest and pastor are startled by a loud squeal. Surprised and worried for their friend, they go running in the direction of the noise. They find him limping back towards them, bloodied and bruised, but no bear in sight. Confused, they ask him what happened.

    The rabbi shakes his head, "I probably shouldn't have started with a circumcision."

  4. #559
    A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 5". He says "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife". The clerk says "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says "No, I only call her that in public". The clerk says "What do you call her when you're home?" He says "Lard ass".

  5. #560
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    It had been two years since graduation and this engineer still had not found a job... so he decides to open a clinic. Outside he hangs a sign which reads:

    "Any treatment for $100. If we can't cure you, WE GIVE YOU $1000!"

    A CLEVER doctor decides to fool the engineer and make an easy $1000. The doctor goes to see the engineer...

    Doctor: "I have lost the ability to taste".

    The engineer asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on the patients tongue.

    Doctor: "What the ****!? It's URINE!!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! Your sense of taste is back now".

    The doctor was not impressed but he obviously could not argue.

    Two weeks later he makes another appointment and visits again. This time with a foolproof disease.

    Doctor: "I've lost my memory".
    Engineer: "Nurse, please put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on his tongue".
    Doctor: "Engineer! Not this time, that medicine is to cure sense of taste!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! Your memory is back".

    Moral: don't mess with engineers!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #561
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says "What's that?" She says "It's me lower mouth". He says "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'" She says "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..." He asks "Has it got a tongue in it?" She says "Not yet..."
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #562
    Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

  8. #563
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #564
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    haha, this is sooooo true


  10. #565
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #566
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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  12. #567
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #568
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    Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?




    Because Ubisoft is in France.

  14. #569
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    SHAME!
    (spoiler tags because image is a bit big)

  15. #570
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    What do a gynaecologist and a pearl diver have in common? They both need to hold their breath for 10 minutes.

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