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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #61
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

    Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

    Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

    The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

    "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

    Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"
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  2. #62
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    A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

    The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

    The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

    "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

    The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
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  3. #63
    Forum Fanatic freemehul's Avatar
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    Why doesn't the new leader of North Korea have any children?





















    He failed to launch.
    Corruption is a serious impediment to civil liberties.

  4. #64
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    MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY. SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE RUGBY WAS ON.


    JUST BOUGHT THE WIFE SOME CROTCH-LESS KNICKERS FOR HALLOWEEN. NOTHING SEXUAL. JUST GIVES HER A MUCH BETTER GRIP ON HER BROOMSTICK.


    MY MATE ALWAYS CRIES AFTER SEX. MIND YOU HE IS IN PRISON.


    I TREATED THE WIFE TO ONE OF THOSE FISH PEDICURES THE OTHER DAY. I MUST SAY I'M VERY PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS. THOSE PIRANHAS DON'T STUFF ABOUT EH!!


    ****ED MY BEST MATES WIFE LAST NIGHT AND TODAY I FEEL AWFUL......... SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FLU OR SOMETHING.


    THAT'S THE LAST TIME I USE MY SEAN CONNERY ACCENT TO TELL MY WIFE TO SIT ON MY FACE.


    AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT IN LONDON . IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.

  5. #65
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
    To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
    'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
    'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
    The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
    And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
    'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
    'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.
    'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  6. #66
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.
    "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
    "Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
    "Why is that?" the first guy asks.
    "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
    "Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
    "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
    "No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
    "Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.
    He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
    "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
    "Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
    "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
    "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
    "Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20...30...40... 50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
    After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  7. #67
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
    There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
    The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
    "OK, I give up. Where's the "fxxxing" ship?"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  8. #68
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    RESTAURANT REVIEWS

    "What they lack in quality, they make up for with butter".
    "The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them".
    "Be prepared for a lot of high-fives and drunk frat guys screaming 'Falafel !!!'"
    "The viewing beats the chewing".
    "Quail with figs had exactly one fig. When asked for more, the waiter replied there's one fig per customer!"
    "The service is like a bad high school play - warm, well-meaning and completely inept".
    "Dishwashing utensil in my gumbo tainted the meal".
    "If you have no personality, this is the hangout for you".
    "Service with a grudge".
    "The special occasion place for people with bad taste".
    "I'm pretty sure I ate cow's udders and liked them".
    "The ma?tre d' made us wait to be seated, apparently for no other reason than because he could".
    "Service exists in two modes - know it all and not at all".
    "Like eating in an NYC subway station, only nicer".
    "Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table".
    "The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it's a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program".
    "Very polite staff - when a guest fell asleep they served his food as if nothing had happened".
    "Good place to turn down a marriage proposal".
    "I go here a lot... I'm not sure why".
    "The food looks like it was plated by toddlers".
    "Overrated, overhyped, overlook it".
    "Charming in an authoritarian kind of way".
    "Service so attentive you may have to ask for some privacy".
    "Take a look at the staff on the way in - that's the last you'll see of them".
    "Other than having gone to hell in a hand basket, everything is just like it was before the sale".
    "The valet stole my cell phone and called Brazil 11 times". "What is an 'ultra lounge' anyway?"
    "Had I known the lobster cost $300, I would have brought it home and kept it as a pet".
    "Menu is epic, but like a bad '50's Bible picture".
    "Even their 'regulars' have stopped going there".
    "Foie gras does not need to be put into a mascarpone cookie".
    "I would rather eat sushi from a vending machine".
    "Great food amid a sea of shorts and black socks".
    "The waiter took my order, went outside to smoke and then waved through the window".
    "Could someone do something about the uniforms? 1982 just called and it wants its suspenders back".
    "We could have lived without knowing that our waiter was 'Steven from Long Beach".
    "If I wanted to be treated with distaste, I would just stay home".
    "Our waiter was very unattractive, and this being LA, I have to downgrade the decor rating".
    "They make you walk around with a horse stick and blow a whistle. That'll teach you to tell someone it's your birthday".
    "Overpriced and undergood".
    "The food may be bad but at least the service is slow".
    "It seems that the owner, the chef and I have lost interest".
    "My waiter was so soft-spoken I thought he was a mime".
    "Someone had to employ all those out-of-work actors, I guess".
    "If this is American food, I'll apply for a passport out".
    "Hard to tell if it is a restaurant or drug front".
    "My office comes here for special lunches, but I wish they'd stop".
    "The food may have been excellent, but I was choking on the prices".
    "Even the ice water had garlic in it".
    "I'd love to go back - if you were paying".
    "Proof that there's no shortage of people who want to eat bad food in historic buildings".
    "The only thing healthy about the place is the exit door".
    "Staff wanders around as if they were just beamed to this strange location".
    "Who said it was okay to expose your chest hair while serving people their sandwiches and frozen yogurt?"
    "The staff is charmingly incompetent".
    "A good place to go with co-workers you don't like".
    "I do wish they'd stop sticking a pine tree in every entree".
    "The No. 1 spot in town for crooked pharmaceutical reps to stuff fat doctors full of $50 steaks".
    "Once you drive through axe-murderer country to get here you are pleasantly surprised by all the people and the buzz".
    "It's hard to tell where the food stops and the styrofoam containers begin".
    "Suffers from delusions of adequacy".
    "Took a doggy bag home. The dog refused it".
    "If I want to be ignored, I can stay home with my family".
    "So much for old world cooking - unless their microwave is hand-cranked".
    "Family-friendly, yes. Foodie-friendly, no!"
    "If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will".
    "His food tastes better on TV".
    "The music's so loud it's like they're asking you to leave".
    "Saves fuel bills - the heartburn will keep you warm all winter".
    "The immature eating the indelible".
    "Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks".
    "Our wine was a year older when it finally arrived at the table".
    "I actually pulled out my cell phone and called and asked them to please bring us water".
    "Abandon taste buds all ye who enter here".
    "It has a great reputation among people who don't get out much".
    "A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong".
    "The roaches always get the best seats".
    "I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved - it was my waitress".
    "I don't tip if I get groped".
    "Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave".
    "If only the spectacular view could fill one's stomach".
    "Foam is not the solution".
    "I've been in prisons with better service".
    "They put the salmon in salmonella".
    "If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to my mum's".
    "Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young".
    "I was told by the waiter that I have the wrong palate".
    "I liked the concept until I ate here".
    "I asked the waitress what was on the cheese plate and she replied 'cheese'".
    "Food is awesomely average".
    "Good luck with the semi-annual waiter service".
    "Only the flies on our table enjoyed the meal".
    "Good seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait".
    "An experience only a suburbanite would tolerate".
    "So snobby you would think its high school all over again".
    "Anorexic portions at obese prices".
    "Not what it used to be and it did not used to be much".
    "Trying to be edgy, they fell off".
    "You can take lessons on apathy and disaffection from the wait staff here".
    "Duck must have had a long flight - tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive".
    "Most of the food here tastes like cheese with extra cheese on top".
    "Our waiter would have been better cast as an undertaker".
    "Portions so small I started laughing - prices so high I started crying".
    "So much staff...so little service".
    "They're having siesta while you're trying to fiesta".
    "Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process".
    "A place so phony it would make Holden Caulfield's head explode".
    "Like putting a tiara on a street vendor".
    "For the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not ony express".
    "Best things here are the toothpicks".
    "All they have is the view, and you can walk outside and have that for free".
    "'Breaking bread' should not mean you have to use the side of the table".
    "I'm convinced that my salad was deep-fried".
    "Less than meets the eye".
    "The quiche of death".
    "Should shut down the restaurant and just serve the view".
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  9. #69
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    An old man gets up every morning, goes out in front of his house and sprinkles a white powder up and down the street. One day, a neighbour who had watched his apparently crazy routine for many years confronts him. "What is this powder you sprinkle on the street every morning?" "It's special elephant powder" the old man said. "It keeps the elephants away". "But..." says the neighbour "Everybody knows that there are no elephants in Nebraska". The old man just nodded "I guess it must be working then!"
    --



    A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly. Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body" he said "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out. Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  10. #70
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
    "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
    "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
    "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
    "Gold of course," says the man proudly.
    The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  11. #71
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    Indian Chief, "High Horse," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  12. #72
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.

    "Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

    "Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

    "He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

    "Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

    After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

    A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

    "Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

    "What now?" responds the man.

    "He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

    "Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  13. #73
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
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    A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

    Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes... a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

    So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  14. #74
    Veteran Krozair's Avatar
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    Love em all - post more




    Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now".
    Stevie "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right".
    Incredulous, Tiger says "You play GOLF?" Stevie "Yes, I've been playing for years". Tiger "But... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
    Stevie "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice".
    "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well" says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice".
    Tiger "What's your handicap?" Stevie "Well, actually... I'm a scratch golfer". Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime!" Stevie "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that... okay I'm in! $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie "Pick a night".
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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  15. #75
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    50 OF THE LAMEST BAR JOKES EVER

    -A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go the bartender shouts "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves".

    -A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman. "Of course" says the bartender. "Well" replies the man "I'll have a beer and my alligator will have a tax collector!"

    -Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says "Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast".

    -A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry". The chicken replies "That's okay, I only want a drink".

    -A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking "What would you like to drink?" "You'll have to speak up" replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing".

    -A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the ma?tre d' that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender asks "What'll it be?" The man replies "Give me a Stoli with a twist". The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says "Once upon time was four little pig".

    -185 cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" To which the cakes reTORT "Where else should we go?" And don't move an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies "I don't care, I think there's a place yeast of here!"

    -So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says "I' m sorry but I can't serve you"."Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says "Because you can't hold your liquor".

    -Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a 'very' buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's lying on the floor and moans "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license!"

    -This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks" says the bartender. "Put it on my bill".

    -Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them "We don't serve your kind in here". One of the yogurt cartons says back to him "Why not? We're cultured individuals".

    -I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

    -A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "Aww c'mon. I'm a fungi".

    -A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No I'm sorry" replied the bartender "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".

    -A man walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender "Hey give me a free drink". The bartender looks at him and asks "Why should I give you a free drink?" The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed and says "Okay that's worth a free drink" and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says "That's great, but it's not worth a free drink". "Okay" the customer says and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub this and you can have any wish you want". He does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks". Suddenly a million ducks appear. "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!" "That's okay... I didn't ask for a 10-inch pianist either!"

    -A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like. The seal responds "Anything but Canadian Club on ice!"

    -A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

    -A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

    -Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

    -A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says "I told you yesterday and the day before that I don't and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks "Got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"

    -A football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says "You're round!"

    -A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice. The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says "You know, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Irving...?"

    -Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings. A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves. The bartender says "You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That's too little, you're a loser!" The man snickered and said "Nahh I'm not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist"

    -A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order. The bartender says" Why don't you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?" "Well" the guy says "When my brothers and I split up we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together". The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn't say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn't know what to say but then says "My condolences on your loss". "Why do you say that?" "Well" the bartender replies "I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!" The guy laughs and says "My brothers are fine... it's just that my wife made me quit drinking!"

    -A group of blondes walk into a bar shouting and cheering "Yeah, 31! Let's hear it for 31!" They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31. After about 15 minutes of this the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. "What's the deal about 31?" he asks the girls. One of them turns to him and says "We bought a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!"
    Dare to be different Learn to be lonely

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