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Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #766
    Whoo! Woo! 100
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    Well done Krozair, Hope you are doing well!

  2. #767
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Some Xmas one liners :) Merry Christmas all


    How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
    He was hooked on trees his whole life

    What do you call a kid who doesnít believe in Santa?
    A rebel without a Claus

    Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
    His wife was a total flake

    How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
    Nothing. It was on the house!

    What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
    Anything you want. He canít hear you!

    What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
    Frostbite

    What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
    Itís finally Christmas, Eve!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  3. #768
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    Husband calls his wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Susan brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot". Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Susan?" And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  4. #769
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning and will fly to a secluded bay down south where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we'll do some island hopping before flying back home. Promises to be an amazing experience. If interested please let me know. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #770
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    A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster" he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  6. #771
    Postaholic Krozair's Avatar
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    Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house. He managed to escape by hopping over the fence. I'm proud of the wife though - she must have put up some fight cos she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #772
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    The missus said "Looking at the state of that garden is hurting my eyes. Will you do something about it?" "As you wish, babe" I replied, then got up, closed the curtains and sat back down again.
    --
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #773
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    Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him. The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of ****** or something?" Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window, part of my body start turning to stone, so I ran away!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  9. #774
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    A bloke from the bush walked into an antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
    He took it to the owner and said "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied "It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story".
    The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said" I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"
    As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
    He increased his speed and ran on towards the river and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions! And they were running faster and faster.
    By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
    Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
    The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
    "**** no!" said the bloke "I came back to see if you've got a bronze politician!?"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  10. #775
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    A man phones home from the office and tells his wife "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
    We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".
    He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
    A week later he returns.
    His wife asks "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great!
    But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas".
    "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  11. #776
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    There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and swerves into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  12. #777
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    A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting, leave without me. Dave". At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street you idiot, you drove!"
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  13. #778
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    A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know" replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is". "OK" the guy said "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry" said the guy "I didn't realise you made a living out of it".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #779
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    A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes. The desk clerk says "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?" With this the man replies "I'll take the teacher". When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?" The man replies "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  15. #780
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    A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter". The doctor looks at him and says "Sorry, I don't follow you".
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

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