Krozair's Krackup's

[Krozair]

Love em all - post more




Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now".
Stevie "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right".
Incredulous, Tiger says "You play GOLF?" Stevie "Yes, I've been playing for years". Tiger "But... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice".
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well" says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice".
Tiger "What's your handicap?" Stevie "Well, actually... I'm a scratch golfer". Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime!" Stevie "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that... okay I'm in! $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie "Pick a night".

[Krozair]

50 OF THE LAMEST BAR JOKES EVER

-A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go the bartender shouts "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves".

-A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman. "Of course" says the bartender. "Well" replies the man "I'll have a beer and my alligator will have a tax collector!"

-Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says "Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast".

-A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry". The chicken replies "That's okay, I only want a drink".

-A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking "What would you like to drink?" "You'll have to speak up" replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing".

-A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the ma?tre d' that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender asks "What'll it be?" The man replies "Give me a Stoli with a twist". The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says "Once upon time was four little pig".

-185 cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" To which the cakes reTORT "Where else should we go?" And don't move an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies "I don't care, I think there's a place yeast of here!"

-So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says "I' m sorry but I can't serve you"."Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says "Because you can't hold your liquor".

-Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a 'very' buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's lying on the floor and moans "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license!"

-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks" says the bartender. "Put it on my bill".

-Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them "We don't serve your kind in here". One of the yogurt cartons says back to him "Why not? We're cultured individuals".

-I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

-A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "Aww c'mon. I'm a fungi".

-A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No I'm sorry" replied the bartender "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".

-A man walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender "Hey give me a free drink". The bartender looks at him and asks "Why should I give you a free drink?" The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed and says "Okay that's worth a free drink" and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says "That's great, but it's not worth a free drink". "Okay" the customer says and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub this and you can have any wish you want". He does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks". Suddenly a million ducks appear. "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!" "That's okay... I didn't ask for a 10-inch pianist either!"

-A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like. The seal responds "Anything but Canadian Club on ice!"

-A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

-A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

-Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

-A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says "I told you yesterday and the day before that I don't and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks "Got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"

-A football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says "You're round!"

-A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice. The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says "You know, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Irving...?"

-Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings. A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves. The bartender says "You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That's too little, you're a loser!" The man snickered and said "Nahh I'm not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist"

-A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order. The bartender says" Why don't you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?" "Well" the guy says "When my brothers and I split up we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together". The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn't say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn't know what to say but then says "My condolences on your loss". "Why do you say that?" "Well" the bartender replies "I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!" The guy laughs and says "My brothers are fine... it's just that my wife made me quit drinking!"

-A group of blondes walk into a bar shouting and cheering "Yeah, 31! Let's hear it for 31!" They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31. After about 15 minutes of this the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. "What's the deal about 31?" he asks the girls. One of them turns to him and says "We bought a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!"

[Landro]

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. In conversation, he asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says she surround sherself with intelligent people, which helps her to make wise decisions. He asks how she knows if the people around her are intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and asks, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Umm, so like... your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms onders the question for several minutes and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting with the other senior senators and they puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Colin answers immediately, "It's me of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

[Landro]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

[Krozair]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'

[Krozair]

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about it. Her mum calmly said "That part where hair has grown is called 'monkey'. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair!" The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing... mine is already eating bananas"

[Mauler]

A man was driving down the road one rainy day when his car suddenly broke down in front of a small monastery. To escape the rain he walked up to the monastery and knocked on the door.

The head monk answers the door and says "Ah, hello. How may I help you?"

"Um, hello." the man replies, "My car broke down and I was wondering if you had a phone or something for me to call for help."

"Well," the head monk says, "We do not have any phones here, however, we can send one of our monks to the city and get you help. In the meantime, you are allowed to stay here in the monastery."

The man thanked the head monk and went inside. The other monks graciously accepted him as one of their own. They fed him, proivded him with a bath, and gave him his own little bed. Then, later that night, the man heard a noise. A sound unlike anything he had ever heard before. He stayed up all night, tossing and turning, trying to think of what it could be.

The next morning, he walked up to the head monk and said "Hello, I was wondering if I could ask you a question..."

"Yes," the head monk said, "what is it you would like to know?"

"well, you see," the man said, "Yesterday I heard a strange noise... and I was wondering if you knew what it was..."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the head monk said in reply "I can not tell you for you are not a monk."

"Well, then how do I become a monk?" The man said, desperate to find out what the beautiful noise was.

"There is a test you must take." the head monk answered, "You must go all around the world and count all the blades of grass, and all the grains of sand, then come back here."

The man spent many years traveling the world, seeking out the answer to the monks test of faith, endurance, and bravery. The yearning to find out the noise pushing him forward.

Finally, ten years later, the man returned to the monastery. The head monk greeted him, and led him to a small room, filled with other monks. "Now," the head monk said, "How many blades of grass, and grains of sand are there?"

The man replied "By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks shouted with glee. They congratulated him, they gave him gifts, and then the head monk handed him a small golden key.

"Take this." he said, "There is a small golden door on the other side of the monastery... This is the key to that door..."

The man went and unlocked the door. Behind it was a silver door, with a silver key in it. Behind that door was a ruby door, and behind that, a diamond door. The man stepped through many doors. Through platinum, sapphire, iron, steel, and finally, he came to a plain, wooden door, with a plain wooden key.

He turned the key, and upon opening the door, he heard the noise again... "How beautiful..." he thought to himself. He then thrust the door open and saw what it was that had made the noise. He falls to his knees in awe of what it was that had produced the amazing, seductive sound...

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

... But, of course, I can not tell you what it was for you are not a monk.

[Mauler]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[Krozair]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It cost $1.24M."

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoooosh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!

Ka-bbblammm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[Krozair]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
________________________________________

[Krozair]

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life" says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward". The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice...?" he says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs" she says "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance - only three of them have swimming pools".

[Krozair]

Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.

[Landro]

Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/6322...ensureerd.html

[Landro]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on Earth. The course they were on had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Ah no, Moses, I think I can do it," explained Jesus. "I've seen Tiger Woods make this shot, and if Tiger Woods can do it, then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball. Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Tiger Woods do it, and if he can do it, then so can I." True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Tiger Woods make this shot, and if Tiger Woods can do it, then so can I." Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water.

"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

[Landro]

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck's windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper's shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad."