Page 7 of 57 FirstFirst ... 5678917 ... LastLast
Results 91 to 105 of 851

Thread: Krozair's Krackup's

  1. #91
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    5,762
    Quote Originally Posted by Landro View Post
    It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

    Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

    Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck's windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper's shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

    In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad."
    I thought this was going to be something about natural selection :(
    My life is better then yours.

  2. #92
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    5,762
    Quote Originally Posted by lastunicorn View Post
    Haha, you could change Microsoft with anyone there. Every single time I have a serious problem with software/hardware, they ask the same questions. Guess what, those suggestions don't work.
    Those suggestions work approximately half the time I talk to someone on the phone.
    My life is better then yours.

  3. #93
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    Quote Originally Posted by Krozair View Post
    Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
    What happened to the guy who asks if you have it plugged in?
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  4. #94
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    BEST COME BACK LINE EVER
    In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m.. on Friday night.
    On Monday, at the courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop...
    "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
    around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" He stated in an interview.
    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment
    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
    It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

    Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
    I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? **** ..... is it midnight already?'
    :)
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  5. #95
    Regular Legacy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    58
    Many thanks for all the funstuff, Krozair. :)

  6. #96
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    My Birthday today and to celebrate....

    Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

    ********************************




    I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. - Bruce Lansky

    The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet...

    Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

    It's not about age, it's about attitude.

    When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

    It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

    If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).

    What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

    A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

    The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

    Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane

    A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost


    A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

    You were born an original. Don't die a copy. - John Mason

    You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

    Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.


    More Birthday Jokes

    A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!



    Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
    Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
    Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.



    When is your birthday?
    15th September
    What year?
    Every year!



    Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
    It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.



    "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
    Next time, take off the candles."



    Forget about the past, you can't change it.
    Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
    Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.


    ... And More Birthday Jokes



    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.



    Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
    His employees replied, "No."
    Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
    "His employees replied again, "No."
    Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
    His workers responded, "A puppy."



    You Know Your Old When:

    You and your teeth don't sleep together.
    People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
    You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
    The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
    Things you buy now won't wear out.
    When happy hour is a nap.
    When you can’t remember how old you are
    You sing along with the elevator music.
    You wear black socks with sandals.
    You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
    When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
    Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
    You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  7. #97
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    Laws to Remember….I personally worked on these with Albert (Einstein)


    1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

    5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10. Law of the Theater & Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move
    once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    13. Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    16. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  8. #98
    Mediator goodz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    5,762
    I have now read all of your jokes. Many I have heard before but thanks for putting them down into a nice time wasting thread :)
    My life is better then yours.

  9. #99
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    What's the difference between brilliance and stupidity?
    Brilliance is getting a check from Donald Knuth, stupidity is going to the bank to cash it in.
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  10. #100
    Post Demon lastunicorn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,458
    Because his autograph is worth a lot more than the check?

  11. #101
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    Quote Originally Posted by lastunicorn View Post
    Because his autograph is worth a lot more than the check?
    His checks are usually framed as trophies :P
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knuth_reward_check
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  12. #102
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    Yo momma is so fat the recursive function to calculate her weight caused a stack overflow!
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  13. #103
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    Glad people are enjoying the thread!



    **********************************

    A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

    The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

    "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

    "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

  14. #104
    I like to post Landro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    3,616
    Did you know that when you put your ear against a stranger's leg you can hear him say 'what the f*** are you doing'
    This is my province. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
    My province is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
    My province, without me, is useless. Without my province, I am useless.
    I must attack hard with my province. I must attack harder than my enemy who is trying to pk me. I must pk him before he pk's me. I will...

  15. #105
    Forum Addict Krozair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,018
    The girlfriend told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
    Laughter IS the best medicine - always

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1462 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1462 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •